Can I Go Home Now?
by The Curse Of ADHD
Summary: What happens when a potentaly insane girl is transported to Spira because of a freak PS2 accident involving soda? My New Chapter is FINALLY Up: Disney Songs Are Scarring
1. A Fate Worse Than Geometry Finals

Ok, quick notes and junk.  
  
(Stuff in parinthesesseses is probably an author's note)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't even own this laptop. It's my dad's. -----------------  
  
Chapter 1: A Fate Worse Than Geometry Finals  
  
A yellow sunset in the background; the weapons of the group are gathered in one pile. The group of character is sitting, solemnly, huddled around a fireplace. A girl that looks like FFX-2 Rikku stands up, and walks beside Yuna, who looks up at her. She walks away from the group to look over the ruins of a destroyed city. Small circles of light float around randomly above the city.  
  
"Listen to my story. This may be our last chance."  
  
The words "Can I Go Home Now?" appear on the screen and knock her off the rock. She lies on the ground twitching and sputtering.  
  
Let me start from the beginning. Before I came here. When my life REALLY sucked. As I sat in my room cursing at my PS2 I realized this wasn't working. I had just gotten home from babysitting Mathew and was determined to defeat Sin's head. I took a sip of my caffeine-free Coke (Damn my mom), and ate more Wavy Lays with my favorite French onion dip (which is Lake View Farms by the way), and then I realized I was getting really warm so I decided to change into one of my 50 million costumes. I went to my closet and put on my X-2 Rikku costume, which is ironic because I look JUST LIKE her, even the hair and eyes due to special contacts. So I sat back down and Sin started TALKING! His breath knocked out my party.  
  
"Rikku, you've become a nuisance. ", it said.  
  
What the Hell, I wondered. I didn't even have her out. Then it muttered some incoherent spell and the screen started making weird colors and noises like my Ocarina of time cartridge sometimes does. When I looked down, I saw the most horrible thing ever: my precious was melting! Then suddenly Seymour came on the screen.  
  
"You should join us, Pretz" he said.  
  
I looked at my hands and they were being sucked into the playstation. I screamed but no sound came out, and then everything went black. When I awoke my vision was spinning, trying to focus. I could make out what was a beach but had no idea where. I had lost all my memory of FFX (sadly enough). When my spinning vision finally started to slow down, I could make out what seemed like a talking hair standing over me.  
  
"You ok, ya? "  
  
My vision finally stopped spinning and focused properly. Crouching over me was really tan redhead.  
  
"Hey, you ok? "  
  
"Uhhh..... I think so", I said.  
  
"You washed up on shore a minute ago. What happened? ", He asked.  
  
I was about to answer when I was knocked out by a high-speed blitz ball.  
  
When I came to was in a tent. I rubbed my poor head and turned over. A woman with really big boobs walked in.  
  
"Oh, you're awake?" She said.  
  
"Um, I guess so" I answered.  
  
"You've been out for three hours. What happened?"  
  
"I-I don't know."  
  
"Do you know what your name is?" She asked.  
  
I thought about this. The last name I heard was Pretz, so I decided to go with that.  
  
"M-my name's Pretz." I answered.  
  
"Do you know were you're from?"  
  
"Um, Atlanta. I think."  
  
"I've never herd or such a place. Are you sure you're all right? It sounds to me like maybe you got to close to Sin's toxin." She said.  
  
"Sin?" I felt really dumb now.  
  
"Yes, that must be it, Pretz. Well, I'm Lulu"  
  
"Uh, hi"  
  
"You should go to the temple to pray. The toxin may release its grip on you." She said.  
  
So we got up and walked toward the temple.  
  
"Were are we anyway?" I asked.  
  
"Were on the isle of Besaid." Lulu said. "Wait."  
  
She yanked me behind a house.  
  
"Gyah!" Being yanked isn't good for me.  
  
"You do remember to prayer right?" She asked.  
  
"I don't know any prayers" I answered.  
  
She showed me the prayer and I awkwardly repeated.  
  
"Good. I think you've got it."  
  
So I followed her down to the temple. When we walked in there was the Jamaican guy from earlier. He walked over to Lulu and I.  
  
"Oh good. So you ok, ya?" He asked.  
  
"Uh, ya." I answered.  
  
"She's been affected by Sin's toxin." Lulu tried to explain.  
  
But alas, no one was listening to her.  
  
"Hi, I'm Wakka"  
  
"And I'm Pretz"  
  
"Nice tah meet you, ya?"  
  
"Wakka....." Lulu said.  
  
We just kept on talking.  
  
"Wakka....."  
  
We were still ignoring her.  
  
"WAKKA!!!" she screamed.  
  
"AH! What?" Wakka jumped.  
  
"She's been affected by Sin's toxin, so if she says anything funny, that's why." She explained.  
  
"Oh. So that's why you said a was a giant hair back on the beach." He said.  
  
"I have to help Yuna, so she'll have to go with you." Lulu insisted.  
  
She left the temple toward who knows were.  
  
"She can have a short temper sometimes, but she's really nice. Anyway, you wanna come to blitzball practice with me?" He asked.  
  
Once again I felt a little dumb.  
  
"Blitz....ball?" I questioned.  
  
"Oh, man. Sin really did a numbah on you. Oh, well. I'll show you when we get to the beach." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Wow, I finished. It's only 11:15 PM. Well? Whaddya think? Please review. Yes I know the first chapter ain't that funny. But trust me... that later ones are so much better. It will take longer than I thought to type these due to my need to make them a little better/funnier/accurate. You pick one. Hey... Merry X-mas Happy Chanukah Mali Kalikimaka Happy Happy Happy Yevon Day ...Or whatever you celebrate this time of year, have a good one.....Ya know it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to spell Chanukah........ 


	2. The Wrath Of Yuna

Disclaimer: I don't own FFX or its peoples. Although if I did, I'd be arrested for using them as my slaves.  
  
A/N: Songwind, I lost my memory... there's your answer. Kookat007, Wat ar thes tipos yu spek uf? XD. Paineintheass, Yes! Machina Day! Rock on!  
  
--------------------  
  
Chapter 2: The Bishi Tidus, And The Wrath Of Yuna  
  
So Wakka took me down to the beach. When we were there he introduced me to the team. Then he got a crate of blitzballs out and gave 'em out to everyone, and turned to someone.  
  
"Hey, brudda. You gonna practice too?" He asked.  
  
"Sure" The stranger said.  
  
"Hey, this kid here was poisoned by Sin's toxin. Just like you were 3 weeks ago. You wanna teach 'er to blitz?" Wakka asked him.  
  
"Sure" He answered.  
  
As I stared at this guy I felt like exploding. He was such a bish. At that point he started waving his head in front of my face.  
  
"Hellooooooo...?" He said.  
  
"What? Oh, sorry." I replied.  
  
"I'm Tidus."  
  
"Pretz."  
  
"So how much blitz do you know anyway?" He asked me.  
  
"None at all"  
  
"Ooh, boy. This could take a while."  
  
So Tidus taught me the basics of Blitzball, although I was still confused. Later on Lulu, some other chick, and a giant kittyman came down to the beach.  
  
"Are we ready to leave?" Lulu asked.  
  
"That's up to our summoner" Wakka answered  
  
"W-wait a minute! I don't wanna leave! I don't even know what's going on!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Yes, we're ready." The other chick said.  
  
"Ok. Let's go." Wakka said.  
  
So we went somewhere and me following in my little spazz attack in the process. They were conspiring I tell you! Anyway, we got up there and Wakka started doing the prayer Lulu taught me. Then I got the bright idea to ask something.  
  
"Um, so were are we going anyway, Lulu?" I asked.  
  
"Yuna is about to embark on her pilgrimage." She answered.  
  
"Pilgrimage?" I asked.  
  
At this point I could tell she was getting annoyed. She sighed.  
  
"Her pilgrimage to defeat Sin."  
  
"Huh? Dude, you never told me what that was. You just went on talkin'..."  
  
She just sighed and walked away. Yep, she was pissed.  
  
"Pretz, long time ago, there were a whole lot of cities in Spira. Big cities with machina--machines--to run 'em. People played all day and let the machina do the work. And then, well, take a look. Sin came, and destroyed the machina cities. And Zanarkand along with 'em. Yeah, that was about a thousand years ago, just like you said. If you ask me, Sin's our punishment for letting things get out of hand." Wakka filled me in.  
  
"No it's not! It's this big blobby thing that attacked Zanarkand!" Tidus exclaimed.  
  
"That toxin musta gone to your head, brudda" Wakka said.  
  
"NO! I saw it!"  
  
"Right... I think you need to lie down, ya?"  
  
"NO! AURON WAS THERE TOO!"  
  
"Sir Auron?" Yuna asked.  
  
"Yeah. Were buds." Tidus replied.  
  
"Sir Auron was my father's guardian." Yuna said.  
  
"What's a guardian?" I asked.  
  
Everyone sighed.  
  
"A guardian's someone who protects the summoner on their pilgrimage" Wakka told me.  
  
"Aha"  
  
"Ok. We're ready to leave now."  
  
So we walked down to the docks and the people were crying as they waved goodbye. When Yuna quit waving to the crying people they suddenly got out a huge keg and started partying. I guess I was the only one who saw it...  
  
Well, later on I overheard Wakka and Lulu talking about the bishi Tidus. Aww... they looked so cute together. Then I saw Tidus and Yuna talking together. I sighed. Everyone had someone but me...and the kitty man. But he never talked to anyone. He just sat there and watched Yuna. I think he was a stalker or something. Or maybe he was just retarded. Yeah, that's it "He's retarded" I thought.  
  
At that point everyone had gone inside and I stared out into the nothingness. I wondered, where was I? Will I ever get home? Why was Tidus such and idiot? Then things started coming to mind like why am I here? Well, that's about the point I started to wonder if blitzballs floated or not. I would have tested me theory but I went to bed instead.  
  
The next morning I was really hungry, so I wondered the ship looking for something to eat. I opened a random door, and BAM! Standing there was a GIANT CHICKEN!  
  
"Holy crap! That's a huge chicken!" I jumped back.  
  
"Chicken? This is a Chocobo." The woman in the room said.  
  
"Can I eat it? I'm starving." I asked.  
  
"No... You don't EAT Chocobos..." She answered.  
  
So I left. At that point I wanted anything. What I got was Wakka.  
  
"Hey, Wakka. When do we eat?" I asked.  
  
"We're not. We'll eat once we get to Kilika." He said.  
  
I sulked off to try and sleep the hunger away. Then every one started screaming. I saw this huge fin appear out of the water! Then the fin that apparently belonged to this "Sin" thing started to swim toward the land. The entire city was engulfed in water. Everything was being sucked into Sin; houses, humans, everything. In the sky, a whirlwind of corpses and debris was formed, above Sin, who was floating on the surface. After it was all over, that's when I saw it. My eyes widened in shock. There was a Blitzball; and it was floating.  
  
"HA! THEY DO FLOAT!!!" I screamed.  
  
Everyone stared. I don't blame them. When we got to shore, or what was left of it, Yuna said something about a "Sending". Hey, maybe I could mail my friends I thought. Although I highly doubted it. So I went up to Lulu while Yuna was talking to some people  
  
"Lulu, what's a "Sending? Are we going somewhere?" I asked.  
  
She laughed.  
  
"A Sending is when a summoner sends the souls of the dead to the Farplane, where they can rest in peace." She answered.  
  
"You mean like Heaven; the place I will never reach?"  
  
"What? Just listen. The dead need guidance. Filled with grief over their own death, they refuse to face their fate. They yearn to live on, and resent those still alive. You see, they envy the living. And in time, that envy turns to anger, even hate. Should these souls remain in Spira, they become fiends that prey on the living."  
  
"You mean like 'Making Fiends'?" I asked.  
  
"What..."  
  
"I dunno." I really had no idea what I was talking about.  
  
Yuna walked out onto the water. She began moving around with her stick thingy. The people on the shore were crying. I didn't see why. If their family members stayed with them, they would turn into fiends and kill them. Stupid Kilikans. Hey, that's got a nice ring to it. Small globes of energy began to rise out of the water, gathering upwards. Right next to my head, an orange flame turned blue. And you don't see that everyday, no. There's an orange here, 'n an orange gone. Orange no orange. Just chills ya to the bones. The water Yuna was standing on rose into the air, bringing her up with it, as she continued the motions, while the strands of energy began to fly up as well. Anyway, I was horrified. The complicatedness of it confused my tiny blonde brain. I never wanted to see it again. If people kept dying then Yuna would keep dancing.  
  
The next day the Blitzball team started to help rebuild stuff. It was still beyond me why they came. Wakka said something about praying for victory, but I had no idea what he meant. So we walked through this forest, battling random fiends. Around this point I was beginning to feel rather useless, being without a weapon and all. Then we got to these stairs, and about half way up Tidus had to go to the bathroom, so we all waited for him. Then Wakka started Yammering on about how Lord Ohalland trained on these steps at his peak. How you train on steps was beyond me. Although, a lot of things seemed to be beyond me lately. I'd learned not to care. The Aurochs started stretching and someone made a somewhat evil laugh.  
  
"A race, huh? Think you can beat me?" Tidus asked.  
  
We all lined up in a row.  
  
"Yuna, if you would." Wakka asked.  
  
"Ready?" She raised her hand in the air.  
  
Then Yuna laughed and ran up the steps.  
  
"Hey! Hey!" Wakka called.  
  
We all ran after her, except me who tripped halfway up and had to be carried the rest of the way by Kimahri. Ah, heck. Kimahri doesn't talk much, but he's sweet. By the time we got to the top I had regained my walking ability, with a limp. Wakka and company came running and screaming like babies.  
  
"AH! SINSPAWN!"  
  
What the Hell, I thought, was a "Sinspawn"? I figured I'd look instead of being stupid and asking Lulu. Well they fought it and beat it. Once we continued up the steps, Wakka started making ideas about what Sin does.  
  
"I been thinking. Maybe people Sin gets to don't die. Maybe Sin carries 'em through time. Like a thousand years through time. And then, one day, maybe they just pop back, see?"  
  
"Wakka, I've only been here a few days and even I think that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." I said.  
  
"Amazing. Simply amazing. You make up one theory after another, refusing to face the simple truth. Sin didn't take Chappu anywhere. Sin crushed him, and left him on the Djose shore. Your brother won't just pop back. Oh, and one more thing. No matter how much you want it, no one can take Chappu's place. No one can replace Sir Jecht, for that matter. And there's no replacement for Lord Braska, either. It's pointless to think about it, and sad." Lulu said to Wakka.  
  
She continued up the stairs. She looked pissed and sad at the same time. I didn't think it'd be smart to ask, lest I get fire casted on my ass. We finally got to the temple and Wakka looked pissed that the "Luca Goers" were there. Must be a blitz thing.  
  
"Grr. The Luca Goers. Why can't they just 'go' away, ya?"  
  
No one laughed. The Goers walked over to us. Wakka was talking through his teeth with this psycho look on his face. He really hated them.  
  
"You here to pray for victory, too?" Wakka asked.  
  
"Us? Pray? Who needs to pray? The Luca Goers always win!" The captain said.  
  
"Oh, yeah? Then why are you here?" Wakka demanded.  
  
"We've been praying for some competition this year! So what's your goal this time? You gonna 'do your best' again? Ha! It's too bad your best isn't good enough! Why even bother showing up?" The captain said.  
  
"This time, we play to win!" Tidus replied.  
  
"Ooh! Play away! Just remember even kids can play, boys." He said while walking away.  
  
We all went inside the temple and Wakka started praying. I didn't think I'd join him to save my poor knees and shins.  
  
"A summoner, are you?"  
  
A really slutty lady and some dude came over to us and started talking to Yuna.  
  
"My name is Yuna--from the Isle of Besaid." Yuna told them.  
  
"Dona."  
  
"So, you're High Summoner Braska's daughter. That's quite a name to live up to. My, my, my... And all these people are your guardians? My, what a rabble! As I recall, Lord Braska had only two guardians. Quality over quantity, my dear. Whatever were you thinking? I have need of only one guardian. Right, Barthello?"  
  
Barthello nodded. Kimahri stepped forward and faced him  
  
"I only have as many guardians as there are people I can trust. I trust them all with my life! To have so many guardians is a joy, and an honor! Even more so than being my father's daughter. Of course, I would never think of questioning your ways, either. So, Lady Dona, I ask of you: please leave us in peace." Yuna replied.  
  
"You do what you want. Barthello, we're leaving."  
  
They went off to be retarded elsewhere. We all went through the door to the Cloister.  
  
"The fayth is below. Let's do it!" Wakka said.  
  
"The 'fayth'?" I asked.  
  
"But first, the Cloister of Trials. Kimahri? Wakka? Ready?" Lulu asked.  
  
Wakka and Kimahri nodded.  
  
"Strength, everyone." Yuna said.  
  
Everyone stepped onto the platform that led them down. Kimahri pushed Tidus and I off.  
  
"Hey, what gives?" Tidus asked.  
  
"You two aren't guardians yet." Lulu told him.  
  
"We'll be back as soon as we can, okay?" Yuna told us.  
  
The platform descended, leaving Tidus and I there. Then the slutty chick appeared again.  
  
"I think the two blondes make a cute couple. Don't you Barthello?" She said.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Hey! That's not funny!" I yelled.  
  
"Yeah! I don't like HER!" Tidus told the retards.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, Tidus?" I asked him.  
  
"It means I don't like you like THAT." He answered.  
  
"Ok."  
  
The slutty chick and the dude left. I hopped up on a ledge thing that his higher than Tidus because he felt like bandaging my leg. We spoke of many things like ships, and shoes, and ceiling wax, and cabbages, and kings. Then the slutty chick came back and somehow blasted the ledge thing I was sitting on, then ran away. As you can imagine I fell right on top of Tidus. Well, at that moment, just my luck, the platform came up with everyone on it. Wakka and Lulu just stared, wide-eyed. Yuna wasn't too happy though.  
  
"W-what are you doing!?" She yelled at Tidus.  
  
"N-nothing." He was actually telling the truth.  
  
Yuna looked very hurt, so I figured I'd defend him.  
  
"Seriously, Yuna. He was bandaging my leg." I said.  
  
I don't think she believed me. We spent the rest of the day in Kilika repairing stuff. Tidus and I kept sneaking off to try and find something to eat, although Yuna believed otherwise. At one point she threatened to tie me to the dock and him to the boat. So thus ended our food crusade. She musta had PMS or something, but she got over it pretty fast. We got on the boat and headed toward Luca.  
  
-------------- AHA! FINALLY! Sorry about the wait. Home problems. I finally got around to typing this on a trip to florida with me friends. I swear if I have to eat at Hooters again I'm gonna kill all the boys with us; wich is 90% of us. A manatee didn't eat Travis unfartunatly. *cries* I don't think I'll ever beat FFX. Jecht is my new shoulder devil, and Yuna is still my shoulder angel, for those who know what in Spira I'm talking about. Oh, well.... I beat Seymour I can Kick Jecht's ass too.....Happy Blorthog. Cya. 


	3. The Besaid Pandas And Ms Church

Disclaimer: I don't own ffx.......... Yevon, I hate saying that.....  
  
*Hits herself with her spiral* Baka! Baka! Baka! I can't believe I gave my teacher the web address. Oh, well. Ms. Spangler, if for some reason you're reading my story, don't read this chapter. -----------------------  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
Well, this has sure been an interesting day...  
  
While aboard the SS Winno, Tidus got the bright idea to try the "Jecht Shot", but failed and fell on his face. For some reason I found it funny. Yuna gave me the evil eye and started talking to him. WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW HER EVIL SIDE!? That night I sat on the balcony thinking. Tidus came over to me and sat down.  
  
"Something wrong?" He asked.  
  
"Just thinking." I told him. I was lying.  
  
"You want to go home, don't you"  
  
"When I was a child, I would pray night after night that my life was just a dream. That some day I would wake up from this nightmare. As I grew older I lost hope on that, but I still hoped for it with all that I was. When I came here I thought it was just a dream. Now I'm beginning to wonder. Could I have woken up? Could this be my reality? Am I free from that nightmare?"  
  
No one said anything after that. It was probably because Yuna tackled me off the side of the ship when she saw me sitting there with Tidus. I landed on the deck below, and that's where I slept. Anyway, we arrived in Luca in the morning. I was awoken by being hit in the head with a blitzball.  
  
"Ow! What the-"  
  
Tidus ran over and retrieved his blitzball.  
  
"Oops. Sorry Pretz." He apologized.  
  
"Blitzballs love me I guess."  
  
"Actually that's the second time I've hit you with one."  
  
"What?"  
  
"When you first washed up in Besaid I accidentally hit you in the head while I was doing me famous 'Sphere Shot'" He bragged.  
  
"If you're so famous, how come Wakka hasn't said so?" I asked.  
  
"Um.... That's because I'm so talented it makes people vomit."  
  
"Right..."  
  
Just then, Wakka came out of nowhere.  
  
"You see that stadium, Pretz. Everyone in Spira'll be there. Someone's gotta recognize you, ya?" He said.  
  
"I guess so."  
  
I stood on the deck of the boat, looking at Luca's stadium and the city, which was full of people. An overview of the city, massive and full of people, is shown. The boat pulled into Luca's dock. The voice of an announcer could be head.  
  
"Ah, over there! The ships carrying the players are arriving now! This would be dock number 2."  
  
"All the way from Kilika, it's the Kilika Beasts! High Summoner Ohalland used to play for them--a big name to live up to. Their hometown was recently attacked by Sin. Isn't that right, Jimma?"  
  
"Yes, Bobba. They're going to be pulling out all the stops to try and bring back the cup this year."  
  
"Exciting, isn't it, folks? Our next team off the ramp is... Well, well, well! If it isn't the Besaid Aurochs! They're a living, breathing, statistical impossibility! I've never seen a team this bad! That's right! In twenty-three years they've never made it past the first round! Only a few die-hard fans are in the audience today."  
  
"Best of lucky to them, and a safe journey back to Besaid."  
  
"Aren't announcers supposed to be neutral?" I asked Lulu.  
  
"They are. But no one cares if they call the Aurochs losers." She answered.  
  
"They're that bad?"  
  
She didn't answer.  
  
"Right, Jimma. Moving right along, our next team is... Here they are, folks! Our very own Luca Goers! They've got power! They've got speed! They've got teamwork! They're an all-around first-class team! And they're back home in Luca!"  
  
"Without a doubt, they are the favorite this year, Bobba. And after the way they dominated last year, it'd take a miracle for them to lose today."  
  
"You can say that again, Jimma. Look at the crowd, folks! Look at the crowd! Looks like all of Luca has turned out to cheer the Goers on! They know, I know, and you know, folks! The Luca Goers are number one!"  
  
Then this blue dude walked off another ship. Everyone bowed, except me because I didn't know to. Wakka shoved me down.  
  
"Hey, show some respect, ya? That's Maester Seymour."  
  
"Oh, sorry"  
  
So Seymour went on and on about what he would do for Spira. I noticed he sounded oddly like Winnie the Pooh. What's a "Pooh" anyway? This made me shudder. Then I got bored so I took the microphone from Tidus and stood up on a crate to make up for my smallness in the crowd.  
  
"Hey, everyone! Is it just me or does Maester Seymour sound really g-"  
  
Big mistake! Before I could even finish, Wakka tackled me off the crates. He decided to finish my sentence for me in mid dive.  
  
"Great!" He yelled then went back to me, "What in Yevon's name do you think you're doing!?"  
  
"I got bored." I answered. I really was.  
  
"You coulda said something about the blitzball games!"  
  
"But I don't know anything about blitzball."  
  
At that moment Lulu walked around the back of the crates. Wakka was too busy listening to me excuse to notice. She, like Yuna, took this the wrong way and stormed off. Wakka finally realized what was wrong and quit crushing me. First Yuna, now Lulu. I think I'm gonna get shot at some point or another. Well we all went down to the locker room, and the funky haired team started complaining about how they've had to play the Goers first every year. If you ask me they're all a bunch of winners. Then Wakka burst in.  
  
"We're playin' the Al Bhed Psyches first. If we win, we're in the finals! That's right, we got seeded! Two wins and we're the champions! First things first. Let's go over the basics again, boys." Wakka announced.  
  
The Aurochs cheered.  
  
"Wakka, isn't being seeded, I dunno, cheating? And I know they suck, but they don't need to go over the basics again." I said as I pointed to Tidus, "Not even dipstick over there."  
  
"Seedin' the Aurochs isn't cheating."  
  
"OK! THAT'S IT! What in the name of Davey Crocket's sweat stained buckskins is an Auroch?! I'm renaming this team the Besaid Panda Bears!" I shouted.  
  
"Uh, what's a panda bear, ya?" Wakka asked.  
  
"It doesn't matter!"  
  
"You can't just change the team name, Pretz!"  
  
"Watch me!" I yelled, ran out with my sharpie of doom, scribbled out 'Aurochs' from the score board, and wrote on pandas.  
  
Then, Yuna and Lulu burst into the room.  
  
"There you are! Someone said they saw Sir Auron in a café!" Yuna said.  
  
"Au-Auron?" Tidus stupidly squawked back.  
  
"Yes, Sir Auron! Let's go find him!"  
  
"Let's go!" Tidus so stupidly said.  
  
As we were leaving, Wakka started having a spasm about the game, but Tidus just ignored him. One their way out Lulu grabbed me by the back of my scarf and dragged me with her. Upon asking she just said: "Stay away from Wakka". Well, we went to this café and then Kimahri started gettin' picked on by these bigger kitties with unbroken horns. And somewhere in the middle of it all the games started. Oh yeah, Yuna was kidnapped too. We were informed it was the Al Bhed people and that they wanted Wakka to throw the match in return for Yuna's safe return. How 'bout Wakka win the tournament and we forget Yuna, ya?  
  
Well, we snuck aboard the Al Bhed's tugboat of doom and fought this robot thingy. The rest is all blur because when I told Lulu what really happened with Wakka she didn't believe me and fwaped me with her moogle. I spun around all dizzy like until Tidus, being the nice person he was, caught me. At that Yuna broke her staff on my head. I did however wake up to see this really big, scary thing zapping fiends.  
  
"Holy shit! It's Ms. Church!" I screamed before Yuna realized she hadn't killed me yet and hit me again.  
  
The next thing I was laying on this beach. I saw Lulu and muttered.  
  
"It's a pop-tart..." I said.  
  
I guess she didn't notice. It was all going so well and Yuna-free, that is, until I rolled over. In a big pile next to me was a stack of corpses! I jumped up and ran around screaming until it was time to go. There was this new old dude with us and Tidus looked very troubled. Moving on we stayed at this weird hotel thing until this deformed monkey knocked us off a cliff. We never did pay the hotel bill. When we came to Yuna was still knocked out for a few hours. Tidus began poking her with a stick. After a while my ADHD took over; I was sick of sitting around. Drastic measures were needed.  
  
"Yunie, I'm gonna go make out with Tidus n-"I was saying until she bolted up and started strangling me with a Zim tongue sticking out of my mouth.  
  
Once she finally stopped we continued along until we got to a river. The Moonflow, a gray river dotted with water lilies, and numerous globes of light rising from it.  
  
"This is the Moonflow" Lulu said.  
  
"These are moonlilies! They say that clouds of pyreflies gather here when night falls." Yuna told me  
  
"The entire river glows, like a sea of stars." Lulu added  
  
"Really? Hey, I got an idea!" I was saying until I was so RUDELY interrupted.  
  
"We're not waiting till nightfall." Auron said.  
  
I glared at him.  
  
"I don't even know who you are and I already hate you"  
  
Then I saw it. The deformed squirrel they call a shoopuff. Yes, they made me ride zee squirr- I mean shoopuff.  
  
"Hey. Take a look." Wakka said to me.  
  
"What?"  
  
I stood up and looked over the ledge.  
  
"Whoa! A sunken city!"  
  
"A machina city--a thousand years old! They built the city on top of bridges across the river." Wakka said  
  
"But the weight of the city caused the bridges to collapse, and it all sank to the bottom." Lulu added.  
  
"Right. It's a good lesson." Wakka blabbed on.  
  
"A lesson?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah. Why build a city over a river, ya?" Wakka replied.  
  
"Easy bathroom usage?" I asked.  
  
"Nope, that's not why. They just wanted to prove they could defy the laws of nature!" Wakka corrected me.  
  
"Hmmm? That ain't a law of nature, Wakka"  
  
"Yevon has taught us: When humans have power, they seek to use it. If you don't stop them, they go too far, ya?" Wakka quoted from somewhere from the deep, dark reaches of his mind.  
  
"Yeah, but don't you use machina, too? Like the stadium and stuff, right?" I asked.  
  
"Yevon, it decides... which machina we may use, and which we may not." Lulu said.  
  
"So what kind of machina may we not use, then?" I mocked her.  
  
"Remember Operation Mi'ihen?" Wakka asked.  
  
"Not particularly, no." I answered.  
  
"Or war will rage again." Lulu finished.  
  
"War?" I asked again.  
  
"More than a thousand years ago... Mankind waged war using machina to kill!" Yuna said, shocking me as I didn't know the word 'kill' was in her vocabulary unless directed toward me.  
  
"They kept building more and more powerful machina." Wakka went on.  
  
"They made weapons so powerful... It was thought they could destroy the entire world."  
  
With that I twitched and spazzed a gibberish word sounding like "vegnun" really fast.  
  
"The people feared that Spira would be destroyed." Yuna continued.  
  
"But the war did not stop!" Wakka said.  
  
"Sin came, and it destroyed the cities and their machina." Yuna added.  
  
"The war ended... and our reward... was Sin." Lulu finished.  
  
"So, Sin's our punishment for lettin' things get out of hand, eh?" Wakka said.  
  
"Wakka, you told me that before" I laughed. "But, it's not like the machina are bad."  
  
"Only as bad as their users." Lulu corrected me.  
  
"It's because of people like the Al Bhed screwin' everything up!" Wakka yelled.  
  
The cabin suddenly started shaking.  
  
"Whatsh could thatsh be?" the Hypello driver said.  
  
Everyone stood up.  
  
"Sit down!" Auron yelled.  
  
An Al Bhed suddenly appeared from above the cabin, grabbed Yuna and jumped into the water.  
  
"The Al Bhed!" Wakka screamed.  
  
"Hmm, speak of the devil" I said Calmly.  
  
"Yuna, we'll save you!" Tidus said in a rather cheesy, super hero manner before him and Wakka jumped off the save her. -------- Ok, I'm officially grounded for grades, but am working hard to fix that. Gomen. The good news is I FINALLY beat FFX! Cheer for me! This is the first Final Fantasy game I've ever beaten! Woo! I've not only, in the time I've been grounded almost FINISHED my FFX story, but started on an FFX-2 story. Ideas for the FFX story are still loved. Yes! 11:47! Ok, must type next chapter before I'm discovered. Cya. Oh, if you're reading this Atro, you're in this story ^_^. You'll see. 


	4. Evil Twins And Mistranslations

Disclaimer: I don't own FFX...... and vise versa. Gets zapped by a lightning bolt GAH! Ok, ok! Stupid Yevon......Gets zapped again GAH!  
  
Ok, here's the dealio. First I was grounded, then our laptop died, which was extremely depressing. THEN the desktop's program wasn't compatible with fanfiction.net, or anything ELSE for that matter. Point is you all have to clap for my friend Becky. CLAP! Do it or I'll sick Yevon on you! Gets zapped once again Ow.... Never mind. Scratch that last comment. Well, here's the next chapter about Yuna and the flock of people who follow her..... Goes off to find some Neosporin Ow, ow, ow...  
  
Chapter 4: Evil Twins, Old Friends, And Mistranslations  
  
Tidus had just leaped off the shoopuff and as we all know by know is an idiot. He did a belly flop and landed with a loud smack. I peered over the side.  
  
"Yo, Tidus. Can you do that again? That was awesome!" I asked.  
  
He just groaned and floated there. Wakka dragged him off the reclaim Yuna, and I started to wonder why Yuna had different color eyes. I mean, who wouldn't? Lulu explained, like everything else, that it was because she's half Al Bhed.  
  
"Ah. So she's a just a mutant." I answered.  
  
"No, that's not what I said." Lulu corrected me, "Are you retarded or something?"  
  
Well, of course I am! Here's your stupid sign, Lulu. Well, there was a bid ol' watery explosion. It was like the 4th of July, man. A big boom and 3 bodies a'flyin'. Tidus, Wakka, and Yuna all come flyin' and land in the cart thing. Oh, and of course, Tidus lands on ME of all people. You bettcha, when Yuna looked up she pulled this move right out of Cops, man. All in one move, she grabbed her staff, got off Kimahri's lap, and smacked me so hard I think I became left-handed. The sides of my brain must have switched. I dunno exactly what that smack did, but every Friday night I'd get the urge to dress up like a chicken.  
  
"Are you hurt?" Lulu asked.  
  
"Yes, very much so" I slurred.  
  
"I meant Yuna" She finished.  
  
"No, I'm fine." Yuna answered.  
  
"Grrah! Those Al Bhed!" Wakka babbled on.  
  
"Ish ebullibody okay?" We heard the driver guy say.  
  
"I'm sorry! We're all okay now!" Yuna stood up and called to the driver.  
  
"Yuna!" Auron scolded her.  
  
Yuna abruptly sat back down again.  
  
"Shoopuf full shpeed aheads!"  
  
Wakka began to make a little mini speech, which random comments in the back ground by me.  
  
"Damn the Al Bhed!" He started.  
  
"Do you even have a Hell to damn them to in Yevonism?" I added  
  
"What do they want from us?" Wakka pondered.  
  
"Yuna, quite obviously"  
  
"Could it have something to do with Luca?" he asked.  
  
"Not a thing, Panda boy" I blurted.  
  
"What are they after Yuna for?" He wondered  
  
"YOU WANT THE TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"  
  
"Wait! They're mad they lost the tournament!"  
  
"T'was a fluke, hair gel boy" I told him.  
  
"Or, wait! They're mad about Operation Mi'ihen!" He concluded.  
  
"I doubt that" I finished.  
  
"I wonder..." Lulu started "Didn't Kimahri's clansmen say something... about summoners...disappearing?"  
  
"No, no! Just forget about them." I spazzed in the background.  
  
"Ah! So the Al Bhed are behind that!" Wakka screamed "Those sand-blasted grease monkeys!"  
  
"Hey! I resent that Yevon boy!" I screamed. Of course no one heard it.  
  
"Hey, Wakka. It's no use complaining about the Al Bhed now, right? We'll protect Yuna from anyone, anywhere." Tidus reassured him.  
  
"But who'll protect her from you, lover boy?" I asked.  
  
"Well... I guess so." Wakka agreed.  
  
"You're right." Lulu added.  
  
Yuna mouthed the words thank you to Tidus. We reached the other side of the Moonflow and there was this guy doing a nature show thing. He was about 2 feet away from a snake.  
  
"I am inches from death, but his snake is gorgeous"  
  
I'm thinking, hey loser, that snake is poisonous. Well, we walked on and heard a scream from behind us.  
  
"Crieky, me arm!"  
  
I immediately started laughing. Later, Tidus and I ran ahead and found two bodies lying on the side of the Moonflow. They both stood up. I immediately hid behind Tidus.  
  
"Ah! Attacking reanimated corpses!" I yipped.  
  
"Huh?" He dumbly responded.  
  
"Zombies, Tidus. Zombies."  
  
They both started to take off their wet suits.  
  
"Ah! Stripper zombies!" I yelled.  
  
The two girls both took their helmets off and apparently Tidus recognized one of them. The other had black hair, about the length of Yuna's. She was wearing the black mage costume Yuna'd wear in two years.  
  
"Thought we was done for back there." The blonde one said as she fell to her hands and knees.  
  
At the same time both me and the blonde girl said while pointing at each other.  
  
"Whoa! It's my evil twin!"  
  
"Rikku! You're Rikku!" Tidus blurted as he shook her. "Hey! You're okay! How you been?"  
  
"Terrible!" She yelled at him.  
  
"Yeah, you don't look so good. What happened?" He asked.  
  
She pointed at him.  
  
"You beat me up, remember?"  
  
He fell backwards and went 'Huh?'.  
  
"Oh! That machina... That was you?"  
  
Rikku nodded, and stood up, placing a hand to her forehead.  
  
"That really hurt, you know. You big meanie!" She yelled at him.  
  
"W-Wait! But you attacked us!" Tidus defended.  
  
"Nah-uh. It's not exactly what you think." She shot back.  
  
"See....." I muttered in the background.  
  
"Yo!" We all heard Wakka yell as the rest of the group approached us. "Friend of yours?"  
  
"Uh, you could say that." Tidus answered.  
  
"Pleased to meet you! I'm Rikku!"  
  
At this point I became aware there was a second person there. I glanced over and standing there is none other than my old friend Olivia. The very person who tried to kill me throughout the south Georgia trip. I thought my brain'd been messed up when Yuna hit me. So I thought of the best way to reverse it.  
  
"Yuna!" I ran up to her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hit me!" I begged.  
  
"Erm, no. Not unless I have a good reason."  
  
She asked for this, all right. The one and only way I knew of to piss Yuna off. It had to be done. I grabbed Tidus and kissed him. My first instinct was to duck, but somehow I didn't. My vision came back and Olivia was standing over me.  
  
"Yr, syh. Ed teth'd fung. So pnyeh'c cdemm saccat ib. Yuna! (Ah, man. It didn't work. My brain's still messed up. Yuna!)" I grumbled.  
  
"Pretz, relax. Your brain isn't messed up any more than normal," Olivia said. "And why are you speaking like that?"  
  
"Fryd yna oui dymgehk ypuid? (What are you talking about?)" I asked and then screamed. I was stuck talking in Al Bhed "Fro lyh'd E cbayg Ahkmecr? (Why can't I speak English?)"  
  
"Pretz, relax. Rikku can translate for you." Olivia said as she called Rikku over.  
  
Well, Rikku agreed. I wish she hadn't. Lulu popped in.  
  
"Uh, Wakka..." She said.  
  
"Huh? What?" He asked.  
  
"There's something we need to discuss." Yuna told him.  
  
"Oh, go ahead." Wakka said with an idiotic donkey look on his face.  
  
"Girls only! Boys please wait over there!" Rikku said.  
  
"Right. Sorry, Wakka." Lulu laughed.  
  
Keep in mind this 'girls only' talk didn't include me because I was having some speech issues.  
  
"Sir Auron... I would like Rikku and Olivia to be my guardians." Yuna requested.  
  
Auron walked up to Rikku and looked at her. She lowered her head.  
  
"Show me your face." He said.  
  
She just went 'Huh?'  
  
"Look at me." He said again.  
  
At this point I was breaking into song in the background, singing 'Reflection' from Mulan.  
  
"Oh, okay." Rikku said.  
  
She looked at him, with her eyes closed.  
  
"Open your eyes."  
  
She opened one eye: it was green with a spiral pupil.  
  
"As I thought." He said.  
  
"Um... No good?" She asked.  
  
"Are you certain?" Auron asked.  
  
"A hundred percent! So, anyway... Can I?"  
  
"If Yuna wishes it."  
  
"Yes, I do." Yuna added.  
  
"Rikku's a good girl. She helped me a bunch!" Tidus said.  
  
"Tidus, bmayca tuh'd ajan cyo dryd ykyeh. Lyica dryd't pa knayd. (Tidus, please don't ever say that again. Cause that'd be great.)" I said.  
  
"Well, I'm for it! The more, the merrier!" Wakka added.  
  
"Then I'll just have to be the merriest!" Rikku jumped up.  
  
It was strange. Even though Wakka had always hated the Al Bhed...  
  
"Rikku, at your service!"  
  
He never realized Rikku or I was one of them, even though I was speaking in Al Bhed for the longest time. The idiot.  
  
As we continued down the path, I felt like talking. I shoulda shut up.  
  
"Yhouha rana ghuf dra sivveh syh? (Anyone here know the muffin man?)"  
  
Rikku translated for me.  
  
"I think you're all faggots"  
  
"Hey!" Wakka was mad. "What the Hell was that for?!"  
  
"FRYD!? Hu, dryd'c hud fryd E cyet.(WHAT!? No, that's not what I said)" I screamed.  
  
"Yeah! And you're all morons." Rikku said.  
  
"That's not nice" Tidus whined.  
  
"Rikku, cdub ed!(Rikku, stop it!)" I yelled.  
  
"Tidus is a girly boy" She translated. He gasped.  
  
"Dryd'c naymmo essydina!(That's so immature!)"  
  
"Yuna's an evil psycho bitch!" She barked.  
  
Yuna didn't react to that at all.  
  
"Cdub ed ycc-feba!(Stop it, ass-wipe)" I demanded.  
  
"Lulu had plastic surgery!"  
  
Lulu just slapped herself and mumbled something like 'No, I didn't'.  
  
"Pihkruma!(Bunghole!)"  
  
"Auron's old!"  
  
Auron just sighed.  
  
"E's kuhhy vilgehk gemm oui!(I'm gonna fing kill you!)" I screamed.  
  
"Wakka's not really Jamaican"  
  
Wakka stopped drinking a bottle of maple syrup and stuffed it in his pocket in a hurry.  
  
"Oui'na cilr yh ycc..." I sighed.  
  
"Kimahri's really a teddy bear"  
  
Revenge had to be taken. I decided by now she wasn't even thinking about what she was saying and I muttered it so fast she wouldn't have time to think about it.  
  
"Rikku megac Auron!" I said.  
  
"Rikku likes Auron..... HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" She screamed.  
  
We all laughed for the rest of the day. I ticked her off a bit cause the next thing I heard was... Well, nothing. The next thing I SAW was Yuna's staff. When I woke up my head hurt so bad. I sat up and talked to Tidus, who was there.  
  
"My head doth pain me something horrible, good sir"  
  
I slapped my hands over my mouth. Old English. Why Old English? I quickly ran up to Yuna.  
  
"Yunie, I pray you. Hiteth me." I said.  
  
She stared at me bewildered. I knew I'd have to piss her off again. I didn't even make it to Tidus this time, she just hit me. Kimahri picked me up as they walked toward Guadosalam. Yevon, it's good to be back. Not being able to update has given me really weird ideas, but yours are always welcome via email. Start repenting! The world is coming to an end! I PASSED GEOMETRY! Oh! Go pretzel, go pretzel! It's your birthday! Well, not till June really. It's summer so I should be able to update more. Pray for mercy from....PUSS! ...in boots. 


	5. Everything The Light Touches

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my uncanny ability to get songs stuck in my head.  
  
Chapter 5: Everything The Light Touches And Scardy Pants Auron  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Eventually, Yuna and her flock of chickens reached the underground city of Guadosalam. An elderly Guado was there to greet us.  
  
"We have been expecting you, Lady Yuna. Welcome to Guadosalam. This way, my lady. This way" He said.  
  
The man reached out to take Yuna, but Tidus blocked him with his arm.  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tidus said.  
  
"Oh, I beg your pardon. I am called Tromell Guado" Tromell informed him, "I am in the direct service of our leader, the great Seymour Guado. Lord Seymour has very important business with Lady Yuna"  
  
"Business with me? Whatever could it be, I wonder?" Yuna asked.  
  
Ok, at this point I'm having a seizure because that sounded WAY to innocent to be Yuna. Tidus was all up in Tromell's face.  
  
"Huh? You wanna start somethin', bub. Huh?"  
  
"Tidus, that's enough" Yuna muttered.  
  
"You wanna peiceah me? Huh? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Oh! What?" He continued.  
  
"TIDUS!" Yuna screamed.  
  
"Sorry"  
  
"Please, come inside the manor. All will be explained. Of course, your friends are also welcome" Tromell invited us.  
  
Tromell walked away. Everyone followed him except Tidus, Rikku, and I.  
  
"Twist our arms, why don't ya?" Rikku said.  
  
I couldn't resist. I twisted her arm. She hit me and continued.  
  
"Ah, I almost forgot!"  
  
She showed us how to customize stuff.  
  
"What would you do without me?" She asked.  
  
"Stay sane. End world hunger. Bring about world peace. Complete Yuna's pilgrimage. You know, that old chestnut" I answered.  
  
She ran off to the manor. Tidus followed her. We found Maester Maechen there and Tidus asked him about pyreflies. I had to comment in the background.  
  
"Ahem! They may be called 'pyreflies' but they aren't really 'flies', you see" He started.  
  
"Maybe not, but a bug zapper takes care of 'em real easy like" I commented.  
  
"They're those lights you see whenever a fiend dies"  
  
"Sorry, my Spanish teacher hasn't died yet" I whined.  
  
"The little fellows are responsible for a few fantastic phenomena"  
  
"Like raisins, or Velcro, or the Northern Lights" I laughed.  
  
"Visions of the past, spheres, fiends--these are all the pyreflies' doing"  
  
"Pyreflies made my Spanish teacher? The fiends!" I realized.  
  
"In fact..."  
  
"I don't know when to shut up" I blurted.  
  
"Pyreflies have something to do with aeons, too"  
  
"You evil mosquitoes leave the aeons alone!" I demanded.  
  
"The dreams of the fayth reach through the spirit of the summoner..."  
  
"Yuna has no spirit, she's just evil" I mumbled.  
  
"And that which is unreal becomes real for all to see!"  
  
"Like Jello" I said.  
  
"Or maybe not. Who knows?"  
  
"Make up your mind old man" I snickered.  
  
"And that, as they say, is that" He finished.  
  
Tidus and I headed to the manor to meet up with the group. We waited in the lobby area, and trust me, it needed a new paint job or something.  
  
"This way, please" Tromell said.  
  
We entered another room, with tables covered in trays of food. I hadn't eaten in a while so I couldn't help myself. Rikku, Olivia and I were all on those tables like a pack of dogs on a cat, man.  
  
"I will go inform Lord Seymour. Please wait here"  
  
Tromell left. Tidus looked around and went to talk to Auron.  
  
"Stay on your guard" Was all Auron said.  
  
"Why? This guy's just a priest, right?" Tidus asked.  
  
"Those with power use that power. Maesters have power. Don't you watch the news?"  
  
"Wait... You sure you don't have something against Yevon?" Tidus asked.  
  
Auron laughed. O.o That doesn't happen. Does that happen?  
  
"I lived a long time in Zanarkand"  
  
Tidus went off to speak to Lulu.  
  
"There's no temple here in Guadosalam, see? Summoners usually just pass through on their way elsewhere," She said.  
  
Tidus laughed. That happens all the time when Yuna's beating me.  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"I didn't even ask a question and you're explaining things" He answered.  
  
"You'd rather I say nothing, then?"  
  
"No, no! Maybe you finally believe I don't know anything about Spira. And maybe that means you believe me about Zanarkand, too?" Tidus babbled.  
  
"Well... There are many things I do not know. Your Zanarkand is one of those things. I suppose I can't say what I think either way. Still, be careful. You shouldn't tell other people"  
  
"Yeah, I know"  
  
He came back to the pack of dogs.  
  
"Mmmm! This is good!" One of us said.  
  
He stared up at the ceiling. Three large clear balls began to glow. The door finally opened... but only Tromell was there. Wow, that was anticlimactic. You'd think Seymour'd at least be there, as odd looking as he is. Maybe he's still doing his makeup- I mean he's eating.  
  
"Truly, it is good to have guests again. Since Lord Jyscal passed away, these halls have been too quiet," He said.  
  
"The death of Lord Jyscal was a great loss for all of Spira" Yuna added.  
  
I choked on my food and started wheezing.  
  
"Redrum....." I wheezed.  
  
Tidus leaned to Wakka.  
  
"Was this Maester Jyscal really such a great guy?"  
  
"He brought the teachings of Yevon to the Guado. He was truly a great man" Wakka answered.  
  
Tromell started a soliloquy. So I had to 'help' him.  
  
"Truly, a loss for us all" He began.  
  
"Except everyone smart" I started.  
  
"But now a new leader, Lord Seymour, has come before us"  
  
"And he's a complete dill hole" I snickered.  
  
"Lord Seymour is the child of a Guado and a human"  
  
"I feel sorry for his mother"  
  
"He will be the tie that binds our two races together"  
  
"In the big ol' meat loaf we call life"  
  
"But that is not all, I think. Lord Seymour..."  
  
"Is a moron"  
  
"He will surely become the shining star that lights the way for all the peoples of Spira"  
  
"Straight to their dooms"  
  
"That is enough, Tromell" Seymour said walking into the room, "Must I always endure such praise? Welcome!"  
  
"You...wanted to see me?" Yuna asked.  
  
"Please, make yourselves at home. There's no rush." Seymour said to us, although Rikku, Olivia and I already had.  
  
"Please keep this short. Yuna must rush" Auron objected.  
  
"Pardon me. It has been a long time since I had guests"  
  
"I wonder why that is," I said.  
  
"Lady Yuna, this way" Blueboy continued.  
  
The ground lit up. Lights surrounded us all. The ceiling above us turned into space, with Pyreflies looking like meteorites.  
  
"This sphere is a reconstruction created from the thoughts of the dead on the Farplane" Seymour started.  
  
We saw Zanarkand, as it was at the beginning. Massive buildings people walking in the streets, a voice on a loud intercom head in the background. I felt the urge to be random again. I walked over to Olivia with a straight face. I had a little Lion King moment.  
  
"Look Olivia. Everything the light touches..." I started.  
  
She looked fairly exited.  
  
"... Belongs to someone else... And Miranda Richardson"  
  
"Who?"  
  
I slapped myself her at he lack of the 'worldly knowledge' I had.  
  
"Queen Mab..."  
  
"Ohhh...."  
  
"Zanarkand!" Tidus exclaimed.  
  
"Wow, that was slow, brudda" Wakka said.  
  
"Correct. Zanarkand... as it looked one thousand years ago" Seymour started.  
  
Lulu looked around, as did Wakka, who just went 'Whoa!'  
  
"The great and wondrous machina city, Zanarkand. She once lived in this metropolis" Blue boy continued.  
  
"She?" I ask, but no one answered.  
  
Auron smirked. What is this world coming to!?  
  
"She, who?" Yuna asked.  
  
Seymour remained silent, looking forward. We were now in a large, well- decorated room. A longhaired, white-haired, bikini-wearing woman was sitting on a bed in the middle of the room. Of course, it gets answered when YUNA asks it. I couldn't resist.  
  
"Ah! No making purple at... where ever we are!"  
  
"Lady Yunalesca!" Yuna barked.  
  
"She was the first person to defeat Sin and save the world from its ravages. And you have inherited her name" Seymour continued.  
  
I burst out laughing.  
  
"Haha! Yunie's names after a whore!"  
  
Yuna was trying to ignore me.  
  
"It was my father who named me." She informed us.  
  
Seymour started a soliloquy. I joined.  
  
"Lord Braska was entrusting you with a great task." He started.  
  
"Of not being a retard. You're failing miserably" I ruined his moment.  
  
"He wanted you to face Sin, as Lady Yunalesca did"  
  
I stopped. I actually didn't feel like mocking someone. I picked up again in about .89484371 seconds.  
  
"However, Lady Yunalesca did not save the world alone. To defeat the undefeatable Sin..."  
  
"She used a laxative"  
  
He did the prayer gesture.  
  
"It took an unbreakable bond of love--of the kind that binds two hearts for eternity"  
  
"And some roofies"  
  
A man in an outlandish outfit, complete with a large golden crown, walked into the room, right through Yuna, to the bed that Yunalesca's sitting on. Yunalesca stood up; they held hands and hugged. Yuna looked at Seymour, who looked back at her, silently. Yuna then returned her gaze to Yunalesca and the mystery man, hugging. Yuna turned and faced Seymour. He leaned over and whispered something to her. She slapped him and then remembered she was supposed to be polite. She covered her mouth with her hand and gasped. He then backed away and nodded slowly. Yuna seemed lost in thought. Wow, Yuna can think of things other than loving Tidus and killing me. Yuna approached the pack of dogs, then turned to the side and got something to drink, gulping it down. Of course I was in the back ground going 'chug chug chug chug chug'. She laughed and snorted water out her nose then hit me. She sighed a breath of relief, then ran to the group, which crowded around her. The pack joined in on this too.  
  
"Wow! Your face is mutilate red!" Rikku laughed.  
  
"Mutilate? I believe the term is beet red" Olivia corrected her.  
  
"Mutilate is another word for beat" Rikku defended.  
  
"No, that's beat. As in what Yuna does to Pretz on an hourly basis. Speaking of which, I believe Pretz is due. Yuna?" Olivia said.  
  
"I'll do it once we leave" Yunie answered.  
  
"Anyway, Rikku. You mean beet as in the food"  
  
"You okay?" Tidus asked Yunie.  
  
Yuna stumbled with her words.  
  
"He...he asked me to marry him!" She said.  
  
Yeah, I was drinking something. Yes, I half spit it, half snorted it out my nose.  
  
"You serious?" Tidus looked stunned.  
  
"You know what Yuna must do," Auron said to Seymour I think.  
  
"Of course. Lady Yuna--no, all summoners--are charged with bringing peace to Spira. But this means more than just defeating Sin. She must ease the suffering of all Spira. She must be a leader for the people. I proposed to Lady Yuna as a maester of Yevon" Seymour used as an alibi.  
  
I was coughing 'bullshit' in the background.  
  
"Spira is no playhouse. A moment's diversion may amuse the audience, but it changes nothing" Auron said.  
  
"Even so, the actors must play their parts. There's no need to answer right away. Please, think it over" Seymour replied.  
  
"We will do so, then. We leave" Auron demanded.  
  
"Lady Yuna, I await your favorable reply"  
  
Everyone started to walk away. Seymour spoke up, and Auron stopped.  
  
"Why are you still here, sir?" Blue boy asked.  
  
"We're leaving, jeez!" I yelled back.  
  
"I beg your pardon. We Guado are keen to the scent of the Farplane" He covered.  
  
Tidus walked up to Auron and started sniffing him. Auron pushed him away and walked out of the building. Everyone else followed. We met up outside of the manor.  
  
"Yuna, the high summoner's daughter. Seymour, the leader of the Guado. Married in the name of Yevon, overcoming the barriers of race. It would give Spira something cheery to talk about, for a change" Lulu babbled.  
  
"Sounds just like a passin' daydream, like Auron says" Wakka added.  
  
"Come on, let's just get on with the pilgrimage! I mean, marriage?" Tidus whined.  
  
By this point I had chewed my way out of the straight jacket of Kimahri's arms and was giving my two and 3/8th sense.  
  
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Yuna, how old are you?" I asked.  
  
"I'm seventeen. Why?" She answered.  
  
"Well, then you can't get married. That's just wrong. And illegal as far as I know. As your doctor I restrict you from marrying anyone except Tidus"  
  
"You're not my doctor" Yuna said as Tidus made a little 'Woo!' in the background.  
  
"Well, I have two good reasons not to marry him and just continue with your pilgrimage. Reason number one, he's scary looking. Anyone who looks like the blue spawn of Satan can only be evil. I've seen his shifty eyes" I continued.  
  
"When was that?" Lulu asked.  
  
"At the blitz ball tournament" I replied.  
  
"Pretz, we was watchi- never mind" She sighed.  
  
"Glad you agree. Reason number 2, HE SOUNDS LIKE WHINNIE THE POOH! And more importantly, what the Hell is a pooh?"  
  
"Oh, that's easy, Pretz" Tidus started, "That's the brown stuff that comes out of people's-"  
  
"As Yuna one said: that's enough Tidus" Auron stopped him.  
  
"Well, I still agree with Pretz" Tidus continued.  
  
Yes, I was cheering in the background at this point.  
  
"Hmmm. Jealous?" Rikku smirked.  
  
"What? No way! We gotta defeat Sin. Romance can wait!" Tidus answered.  
  
"He sure picked a fine time to lay this one on us" Wakka complained.  
  
"Maybe it is a fine time" Yuna mumbled.  
  
"You serious?" Tidus said baffled.  
  
"If my getting married would help Spira... if it would make people happy... If I could do that for people... maybe I should do what I can. I never imagined doing anything like this. But, I won't answer till I know what's right" Yuna thought aloud.  
  
"Seriously?" Tidus asked.  
  
"You could always just quit your pilgrimage and get married" Rikku encouraged Yunie.  
  
I was struggling to get away from Kimahri screaming 'No! F NO!'  
  
"I will...go on. I'm sure that Lord Seymour will understand" Yuna decided.  
  
"Umm, I guess so..." Rikku seemed disappointed.  
  
"I am a summoner! I must fight and defeat Sin" Yuna reassured us.  
  
"Like Braska before you" Auron said.  
  
I had to stop myself from shouting: What's there to think about?  
  
"I'm going to the Farplane. I'm going to see my father and think on this" Yuna said.  
  
Yes! She's gonna talk to her father. That means it's a definite no!  
  
"Go on, we'll be right behind you" Lulu answered.  
  
I wondered why none of the others ever asked Yuna: Do you love Seymour? Do you even like him?  
  
Yuna and the group headed to the upper level of Guadosalam, and down a passageway. We arrived at what appeared to be a rippling bluish portal. Circles of light –pyreflies- flew around us.  
  
"Question!" I started "About this Farplane... When somebody dies, a summoner sends them to the Farplane, right? So their souls, or whatever they are, they go to the Farplane, right? But that's the Farplane we're going to, right? And Yuna's old man's there, too? Do dead people live there or something?"  
  
I pictured myself surrounded by various ghosts, mushrooms, and worse: my ex- boyfriend. I shuddered.  
  
"You're thinking those funny thoughts again, ya? Did you take your medication this morning?" Wakka asked.  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"Well, you'll see once we get there"  
  
They started drag me- I mean calmly walk up the steps. Auron stayed behind.  
  
"Aren't you coming?" Tidus asked.  
  
"I do not belong there" Auron mumbled.  
  
"You're scared!" I mocked him.  
  
"Searching the past to find the future... This is all that is there. I need it not. You'd better be going" He corrected me.  
  
Rikku walked up.  
  
"You're not really going to see the dead, more like your memories of them. People think of their relatives and the pyreflies react to them. They take on the form of the dead person--an illusion, nothing else. Well, have fun!"  
  
"What, you're not going either, Rikku?" I asked.  
  
"I keep my memories inside" She said.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Memories are nice, but that's all they are" She answered.  
  
"Aha" I turned back to Auron, "You're scared"  
  
"No I'm not" He insisted.  
  
"Oh, yes you are!" This was fun.  
  
"No"  
  
"Ooh, look at me. I'm Auron, and I'm scared"  
  
"Stop that"  
  
"Scardy fairy princess! Scardy fairy princess!" I danced around.  
  
"That's it!"  
  
He charged at me full out, sword drawn, looking to kill me. I hopped back across the portal line. When he hit it, it was like one of those electric dog fences.  
  
"ZZZT ZZZT ZZZT! GAH!" He screamed and lay on the ground, smoking and oh- so still.  
  
Tidus taped the portal, then entered it. We were walking on a stone platform. I looked around it.  
  
"What the...?" I mumbled.  
  
Wakka was looking at an image of Chappu, and Yuna was looking at images of her parents. The images were partially see-through ghosts, who were floating in mid-air past the edge of the stone platform. Below the stone platform, a massive formation of clouds gathered, with a large cloud- whirlpool sucking them downwards. I saw a field of green grass and flowers, and a series of pyreflies floating by. Then I saw rushing waterfalls, and more pyreflies. It culminated with the stone platform hovering over a massive waterfall. In the background, huge tunnels of water reached up into the sky; it almost looked like a painting.  
  
The Farplane was cool, but I couldn't stop thinking about Yuna. Her parents--they looked so happy together. But it got me worried that maybe seeing them would make Yuna really consider Seymour's proposal. None of us, except maybe Wakka, Lulu, and Kimahri really liked him.  
  
I watched Wakka talk to Chappu.  
  
"Yo, Chappu! Meant to come see you earlier, ya? Sorry! I know you won't hold it against me. I gave up the game. I'm a guardian from here on, you know? This guy--looks a lot like you--showed up. Traveling with him, I thought, maybe... you were still alive somewhere, ya? But, then again, here you are on the Farplane. Guess your place is here. So, how you been? Oh, that guy I just told you 'bout, I gave him your sword. He likes it."  
  
Then the Chappu ghost SPOKE!  
  
"Wakka, you idiot! You're horrible at blitzball! Of course you should have givin' up the game! And whatddya mean you gave that poser my sword! I hate you, Wakka! You're such a blundering idiot!"  
  
Wakka looked extremely scared at the time. I looked over at Tidus's hair gel-filled sword of doom. I went to talk to Lulu.  
  
"He is dead, and I am still alive. Coming here really makes that clear. I should focus more on what I have to do now," She said.  
  
She laughs. .O Does THAT happen?  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"I'm not even sure what I'm saying" She answered.  
  
"Okay, that just makes you possessed. Don't you mean that you should leave Chappu behind? I'm sure he was a great guy, but there'll be others. I know"  
  
"Hmm... That's a possibility"  
  
"How about... Wakka?"  
  
"What, me? With Wakka?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah, you two get along great I guess"  
  
"Getting along isn't enough. Not even close"  
  
"Lulu, have you ever even HAD a boyfriend...?" I wondered out loud.  
  
"Um...." She started.  
  
The pyreflies reacted to her memory. We saw a slightly younger (Maybe two or three years) standing behind her hut thing peering at someone. He looks like Wakka but with no retarded cowlick. He's Chappu. Lulu pulled out a blow dart gun and shot at him with it. The feathery dart hit him in the ass and he collapsed. Lu ran over and dragged him behind the hut. The memory ended.  
  
She stood there, mouth half open.  
  
"Fuck......" She mumbled.  
  
"Oh, sorry. My mistake. You did have one"  
  
"You'd do well to remember that. Knowing a bit about knocking people out might come in handy some day"  
  
"Yeah, except I don't need to..."  
  
"I won't be forgetting either. Goodbye, Chappu. You always said I looked grumpy. But those were the happiest days of my life"  
  
All that love crap was making me nauseous so I went to talk to Yunie.  
  
"So...Yunie?" I began to ask.  
  
"I've decided" She decided.  
  
"Oh? Really? That's good. Or is that bad?"  
  
"I remember, when I was only seven years old, in Bevelle that day. My father had defeated Sin, and the whole town was out in the streets. Everyone was laughing. They all seemed so happy. If I defeated Sin, that would make everyone happy...wouldn't it? I must do what everyone wants, not just what I want" She lagged on and on.  
  
"Let's go back! You gotta tell Seymour he's an ass hole and you hate him"  
  
"Before that... Call him. Give it a try"  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"You talk in your sleep. Don't worry. He won't come"  
  
Trying not to think about him made me think about him, of course.  
  
"See, told you" Yuna giggled "That means he's alive, you know?"  
  
"I'd rather never see him again"  
  
"What makes you hate him so?" She asked.  
  
Before I could answer we were bombarded with Tidus's memories. We saw his sixth birthday when he was slammed into the cake and almost suffocated, him with braces and head gear, him accidentally getting his braces locked with some other guy because of a dare, him on Halloween night dressed as Kenny and getting chased around in one of many murder attempts, and his first date ending in him getting slapped.  
  
All was silent for a few moments.  
  
"Tidus, I just lost all respect for you" I muttered.  
  
"Oh, man... I must sound so stupid" He said.  
  
"You don't sound stupid my friend, you ARE stupid" I corrected him.  
  
"I don't think so" Yuna tried to defend him.  
  
"How embarrassing!" Tidus barked.  
  
Wakka and Lulu were behind us.  
  
"Well? Need some more time?" Hair boy asked.  
  
"No, I'm ready" Yuna responded.  
  
"Did I miss something?" Lulu asked.  
  
Tidus laughed and scratched the back of his head. As we were leaving the Farplane I could resist.  
  
"Haha! I'm still alive! Fuck you death! Come on, try and get me!...... OW! I was just kidding..."  
  
Rikku and Auron were sitting outside still. No one else heard it but my demony ears picked it up from a ways away.  
  
"Oh, gee! Here they come. Quick, take your position" Rikku whispered.  
  
Rikku immediately laid across the ground making gurgling noises. Auron just sat still. Yunie ran over to Rikku.  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
Rikku groaned.  
  
"You've been gone for three and a half days, Yunie. I'm sssoooooo hungry"  
  
Yuna paused for a moment.  
  
"We were gone for that long and you couldn't figure out you could have walked ten feet to buy some food?"  
  
"Uh, no. I'm blonde remember?"  
  
"Oh, right. Gotcha. Thanks for waiting. I'll go give my answer to Maester Seymour"  
  
Several Guados gasped. We all looked up. A ghostly image begins to exit from the Farplane portal. A Guado backed away from it.  
  
"Lord Jyscal!?"  
  
"Lord Jyscal!"  
  
This Lord Jyscal dude went 'Ugggh', although that IS what you would expect a zombie would do.  
  
"It does not belong here" Auron pointed the obvious.  
  
"Why?" Yuna asked the zombie.  
  
"Yuna, send him" Old man barked.  
  
Yuna walked up the steps. Auron fell to his knees, making sounds like he's in pain, but no one noticed because we all secretly hated him. Damn it, now it's not secret anymore!  
  
"Lord Jyscal..." Yuna sighed.  
  
"He is Lord Jyscal no more. Send him now!" Lulu yelled at her.  
  
Everyone's always ordering her around. Isn't a summoner supposed to be revered or something? She sent him. He turned into pyreflies and vanished, but not before dropping something small and blue. Maybe it's my long lost brain. She picked it up and Auron finally stood up. Damn.  
  
"Talk later. We leave now" He ordered.  
  
We left the Farplane area and started walking through the tunnel area to return to Guadosalam.  
  
"Wh...what was that just now? That really Lord Jyscal?" Wakka asked.  
  
"Nope, it was an Elvis impersonator" I laughed.  
  
"I don't understand how a man like Lord Jyscal could die and not be sent" Yunie wondered.  
  
"Incorrect postage, I guess" I said.  
  
"I would think that he was sent once... but he stayed on Spira. Something, a powerful emotion could have bound him to this world. Such things happen"  
  
"I believe the correct phrase is: The death of Lord Jyscal has been very tragic, but hey, ya know, shit happens" I added.  
  
"That's against the rules, isn't it?" Rikku asked.  
  
"It means he died an unclean death" Auron answered.  
  
"You mean he died of leprosy?" I asked.  
  
The group returned to the doors to the manor.  
  
"I will go... meet with Maester Seymour" Yuna left us.  
  
"Yuna! Jyscal is the Guado's problem, not yours" Auron continued yelling at her.  
  
She ignored him (Woo! Go Yunie!) and entered the manor. Everyone walked off in different directions, but I talked to Lulu.  
  
"Umm..."  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"So, Lulu, what do you think about Yuna getting married?" I asked her.  
  
We walked to a pathway that overlooked the manor doors.  
  
"As long as the pilgrimage continues, either way's fine" She replied.  
  
"That's it? What if she doesn't even like the guy? Is that okay?" I wondered.  
  
"People marry for many reasons"  
  
"What's that mean?"  
  
"Sometimes marriage doesn't require love, like celebrity marriages, you know? Defeat Sin, and bring joy to the people of Spira. Get married, and bring joy to the people of Spira. For Yuna, they're just two ways down the same road. All you need is determination. If you have that, you don't need love" She dragged on.  
  
"All you need is love, Lulu. DON'T MAKE ME SING THE SONG! I just don't get it though"  
  
"Listen. If Yuna gets married, then I..." She started.  
  
"What? That again?" I asked.  
  
"Yes. If she is to marry, I would want her to marry for love"  
  
"See?" I mocked her.  
  
"But... If Yuna said she wanted to marry the one she loves, I would have to object"  
  
"Huh? What the Hell is your problem?"  
  
"I know"  
  
"You know stiff? Oh, my God!"  
  
"I've talked enough about that."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"I'm sorry, just forget about it"  
  
"Jeez! Grumpy!"  
  
"You'll understand one of these days. I just don't want to give it words. Not yet"  
  
She randomly walked away and talked to Tidus.  
  
"I shouldn't have to say this, but don't fall in love with her"  
  
"You're more my type, Lulu" He replied. Mmm..... Lulu...  
  
"Interesting. I suppose I could add you to my list. I wish you good luck, little boy. You're going to need it" She replied.  
  
I thought to myself then I could live a long and happy life if I never heard that phrase again in my life. I can live without seeing him again, but I never wanna hear that again. I walked down a tunnel exiting Guadosalam when a crazyass nun came running up the path.  
  
"My... Was the lady summoner not with you?" She asked in her nunish craziness.  
  
"No. She's at Seymour's place"  
  
After I said that this chick was lookin' at me like she was about to perform an exorcism on me.  
  
"That's Maester Seymour, or Lord Seymour" She insisted.  
  
"Oh, I'll be careful. Sorry" I lied. Feh, like I'd actually do that.  
  
"That's all right. Maester Seymour left Guadosalam a short while ago"  
  
"You serious?"  
  
"I believe he went to the temple in Macalania. Maester Seymour is also the high priest of that temple"  
  
"Whoa, I gotta tell the others!"  
  
Why is there always a twist on this Seymour dude? Does he have a copy of the script and changes it to his liking? Why doesn't he just kill us now then? I ran back to the manor, and told everyone that Seymour's gone. Rikku poked her head in the door.  
  
"Yuna, let's go!"  
  
She did the prayer gesture to Jyscal's portrait, then walked out of the manor. She met up with the group outside.  
  
"They say Seymour went to Macarena Temple" I said.  
  
"Macalania Temple" Wakka corrected me.  
  
"Aye" I answered all pirate-like.  
  
"What I don't get is... Why would the lord maester head off without a peep to anyone?" The red head asked.  
  
"Maybe he wasn't expecting Yuna's answer so soon" Rikku guessed.  
  
"Ah, that's probably it"  
  
Yuna had a short laugh.  
  
"Yuna, what is it?" Auron so nosily said AGAIN.  
  
"Oh, nothing"  
  
"Hmm... You're a poor liar" He went on.  
  
"It's true. It's nothing! Come on, let's go" She ended.  
  
We went down the path that I tried going down before when I was interrupted by the crazed nun, leaving Olivia in Guagosalam, or so we thought.  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Who is this 'him' person? Well, who really cares... BUT YOU HAVE TO READ TO FIND OUT NOW! No telling, Becky! Bwhahah! I've had a lotta crap goin on... my dad's been home so I haven't gotten to type too much. YAY! I'm 16! I'm still 15 in zee story though. I got me the Iron Maiden CD I wanted. I actually have MONEY! 


	6. The Thunder Plains And Elvira

Hiyo! I'm back. Sorry for not updating in a while... many complications that shall be explained in my always longer end author's note. Anyway, someone asked me why Olivia left the story so soon. I don't hang around Olivia too much and I really shouldn't have used her. She also shot down a sub plot idea by breaking up with her boyfriend, but I shall get around that.

Disclaimer: I own nothing because Square Enix refuses to share.

Chapter 6: The Thunder Plains And Elvira

We reached the Thunder Plains. The ground was grey, the sky and clouds were grey, and the atmosphere was dark and cold. Hmm, reminds me of him. In the distance, there were several tall malformed pillars. Rikku huddled up into a fetal position.  
  
"Oh, no... We're here" she cried like a baby.  
  
Lightning struck; thunder rumbled. Rikku continued her shrieks. The lightning bolts hit one of the pillars.  
  
"How are we supposed to cross that?" Tidus yelled over the thunder.  
  
"See the lightning rod towers?" Lulu asked.

"How can we miss 'em? They're the only thing out here..." I said blankly.

"The lightning is drawn to them...hopefully" She said.

_Hopefully._ That's the part that would have scared me, but at that point in my life something in my mind had clicked about everything that had happened before Spira. Being killed by lightning wouldn't have been so bad, but I really thought maybe I'd get to see someone in particular again.  
  
"We head north, not too near and not too far from the towers, ya?" Wakka stated.

"Wakka, I think you've already been struck by lightning. Look at your hair" I laughed.

I had suddenly forgotten about who I wanted to see. Wakka's hair was ALL straight up and smoking. One of the tips was on fire. His hair did seem kinda like a lightning rod to me.  
  
"Meaning Wakka should avoid wide, open areas" Lulu laughed.

Wait. Lulu LAUGHED?! The world IS coming to an end!  
  
Lightning struck and thunder roared again. And once more, Rikku shrieked and cowered. This reminded me of Daniel after I had dyed Cedric's hair pink while he slept. That boy was terrified.  
  
"I, uh, think I forgot something in Guadosalam" She trembled.

Yep, it's official. She is no longer allowed to be my double.  
  
"Nice knowing you" Auron said calmly.

Man, I knew Guados were scary, but......  
  
"Okay, okay! I'll go!" She wined.

After that threat, I would too.  
  
They traversed across the treacherous Thunder Plains. After a while I noticed that only Tidus was getting struck by lightning. No, I didn't have a problem with that by far. We eventually we came across who I thought was Olivia. As we got closer I saw her hair was dark brownish reddish (like Rogue's hair) with blonde in the front. _No, it couldn't be. _That's what I thought at least. She must have noticed me because she stood up.

"Ocoee there!" She shouted.

Upon those words I realized it was indeed who I thought. It was Shea (pronounced Shay for you retarded people). Shea was one of the drama counselors at camp, and even though she _was_ a counselor, I always found it a bit hard to respect her in that way because she's only 5 months older than me. She was more of a buddy. She was standing underneath a lightning rod tower. Gee, that's smart.   
  
She did the pirate hook thing. Long story, but the counselors were either Spiders (Boo!) or Pirates. Shea was a pirate and I wanted be too.  
  
"Holy shit! Shea! What are you doing here?" I asked.

You'd think by now I wouldn't bother anymore.

"I'm not really sure. But, hey, is it true?" She asked back.

"No! I never did that! Who told you?! WAS IT THE DOG!?"

"No, Sar-"

I _had_ to stop that word.

"AHH! NOO! I be Pretz!"

"Um... okay... Anyway, I heard that Maester Seymour and Lady Yuna are to be wed! It's such great news! I have to tell everyone!" She continued.

"How the Hell do you know all this crap...? Well, you heard a _wrong, _Sheata! Yuna's gonna turn him down!" I cackled.

Yuna looked at me like I was crazy.  
  
"Oh... Really? That sucks. Hey, who are these guys?" Shea asked.

No one said anything. Their mistake.

"This is Rikku, mine and Lynsay's evil twin"

Rikku just waved wondering who the Hell Lynsay was.

"There's Kimahri. I'm not too sure what he is"

Oh, gee! I wonder what Kimahri did... Hmm!

"Auron. He's kinda old, antisocial and kinda senile"

That coulda been a mistake.

"Wakka, the human lightning rod. He looks and sounds Jamaican, but I think he's just a confused Canadian"

Once again Wakka stopped drinking the syrup.

"Lulu... is... Lulu"

She just stood there looking evil.

"There's Tidus. He's a dumb blonde"

Tidus didn't notice as he was trying to tie his shoe, and kinda entangled himself.

"And of course, Yuna. She tries to kill me daily, but I'm not sure why. I've forgotten at this point"

Yuna threw a brick at me. Hey. Where's she get a brick? Standing in the rain Tidus had few things on his mind when he opened his big mouth. He was using a weird, overstressed British accent.

"Would you like a glass of watah?" He asked, holding a glass in the air.

Shea just stared at him confused. As we started walking along, I guess it couldn't be helped, he asking me and all.

"Hey, Pretz. What ever with you and Daniel? You haven't talked about him since camp" Shea quietly asked me.

Unfortunately, Yunie overheard. She swooped up behind us like Ms. Bitters from Zim.

"Soooo! You have a boyfriend, Pretz?! You two-timer! Why are you after the Tidus then!?" Yuna hissed.

"I-I'm not! Daniel moved, you nosy......... SHNIGLEMONKEY!" I bombed.

"Hmm, that sucks. Where'd he move to?" Shea asked.

It seemed at the time, unlike Yunie, Shea actually cared what I had to say. I could have just lied and took the easy way out. But what can I say? He's not evil, he's French.

"He moved to France"

That ended the conversation, with Yunie fuming in the background, clinging to Tidus. The group continued along the plains, eventually arriving under one tower. I saw two lightning bolts hit the same tower twice. It scared the Hell outa me.  
  
"Whoa! That was a close one!"  
  
Wakka laughed.  
  
"Stop kidding around" Lulu scolded him.  
  
"Yes, ma'am..." Wakka replied.

Man, when Lulu cracks the whip, he listens.  
  
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh..." Rikku started laughing psycho.

I knew it! She IS possessed. Fazuzu has entered her body and now we gotta do an exorcism!

"Hmm? What's wrong?" Wakka asked her.

_Whaddya thinks wrong!? _She's possessed!"Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh..." She continued.

Maybe she possessed by Jerret and not Fazuzu.  
  
"'Heh heh heh...' You're givin' me the creeps!" I screamed.  
  
Lightning struck a tower. Rikku shrieked and fell on her knees, covering her ears. Hmm, maybe she was having a seizure. All of a sudden, she swiftly crawled up and grabs a hold of my leg, which scared the Hell outa me.  
  
"I wanna go home! I hate lightning! I hate thunder! Let's go rest over there! Please?" She begged.  
  
"This storm never stops. Better to cross quickly" Auron insisted.   
  
"I know, but... Just for a little while?"  
  
"Heh, well? What now?" I asked.  
  
Auron sighed. Everyone, except Rikku and me, walked past the door of the building.  
  
"Pretty please? Just a few minutes?" She begged.

Everyone ignored her and continued walking.

"I'm scared of lightning! Let's rest, please? Pretty please?"

They ignored us again and continued walking.

"I'm too young to die!"

'Oh, no you're not' I thought. I've watched Dead Like Me. They all walked some more; they were nearly out of the area.

"You're mean...cruel! Your moms would be ashamed of you!"

They all walked away, and then returned.

"Are you having fun doing this to me?" Rikku squealed.  
  
"Fine, we rest. She's worse than the storm" Auron sighed.  
  
We entered the building, and Rikku was certainly glad to be there. Wakka was playing YU-GI-OH! With Tidus. Something about little cardboard cards with shiny pictures on them makes little kids insane, ya know? Shea was in the corner watching Big Fish on a portable DVD player, trying to find Billy Ray. Lulu and Kimahri just kinda stood there.  
  
"I'm...a little tired. Do you have a room available?" Yuna asked the clerk.

I believe that's abuse of celebrityness!

"Ah, Lady Summoner. Yes, just over that way"  
  
"Thank you"  
  
She went down the hallway, out of sight, to her room.  
  
"Uh, Yuna?" Wakka blankly stared.  
  
"It's not like her" Lulu added.  
  
I walked down the hallway, passing by Yunie's room. I stopped in my path; I heard another voice in there and it wasn't Tidus."Wha...?"   
  
I listened intently, putting my ear on the door. I looked around to see if anyone was coming, then tried to pry the door open a little to hear better. Unfortunately for me, the door completely opened up and I tumbled in. Goody. Straight into the lair of the beast.  
  
"AHH!"  
  
Inside was Yuna, who seemed to be standing in front of Jyscal's sphere. A small image of Jyscal was hovering over it. Ooh, séance time.  
  
"W-What?"   
  
"I...well... It's nothing, really. I...I just, uh..." I started to mumble.She turned off the sphere. I was fumbling with my words, trying not to make her too mad.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have come in. H-Hey! Wasn't that that Jyscal Guado guy?"  
  
She nodded, and looked around the room. Something was wrong. She wasn't trying to kill me.  
  
"The sphere is his will... It says, 'Take care of my son'" Yuna said softly  
  
"His son...? You mean mascara boy?"

She nodded. _Yeah, I'd love to take care of that guy._ I thought. Very violently, but take care of him none the less.

"Well, I know one way to take care of him" I said smirking.  
  
She stormed out of the room. I walked toward the sphere. Hey, it was shiny, give me a break. Wakka was standing in the doorway, then spastically ran in and put me in a headlock.  
  
"What do you think you're up to? Not trying to bump off Yuna again I hope" Wakka asked.  
  
"AAHH!!! You need deodorant, Wakka!" I screamed, gagging.  
  
"Yeah, yeah! She'll tell us when she's ready, so hold your chocobos till then, ya?"  
  
"What the Hell? That's something you say to Tidus, not me..."  
  
Wakka let go, praise be to Yevon. I went to sleep. The next morning I came downstairs, or whatever you wanna call it and went up to Rikku and Shea, who seemed to be getting along.  
  
"It's not stopping, is it?" Rikku asked me.  
  
"Don't tell me you were hoping it would" Shea said slapping herself.

Lightning struck and Rikku screamed like a baby again.

"Fine. Stay here" Auron said coldly.  
  
Auron walked out of the building. Wow, he's really mean.  
  
"All right, already. But! You didn't have to say it like that, you know! You could be more comforting or something!" Rikku wailed.

"Ok, Rikku. It's alright your petrified of lightning like a little baby" I said smirking.

She turned around coldly.

"Mushrooms!"

I screamed and hid behind Yuna.

Lightning struck and she huddled again.

"I'm not scared! I'm not scared, you hear?" She yelled to seemingly no one.

She was then struck by lightning.  
  
We left the building and a random guy ran up to us, and took a photograph of the group. And by the group I mean Wakka, Kimahri, Tidus, Yuna, and Lulu. Real nice. Leave out the Al Bheds and the scary mutant. No one made any mention or said anything about it. They just stared at him. Hey, I would too. The group continued along the Thunder Plains. Along the way, Yuna suddenly stopped the group.  
  
"Everyone...wait" She said.  
  
"What's up?" Wakka asked, and then got struck by lightning.  
  
"I have something to tell you" Yunie continued.  
  
"Why here? I'm gonna get sick" I protested.  
  
"You'll have mushrooms growing on you, Pretz" Rikku whispered.

Naturally I screamed and huddled on the cold, wet ground.

"We're almost out of here! Let's go!" Shea whined.  
  
"I have to say it now!" Yuna yelled in her not-very-loud yelling voice.   
  
Auron looked to the side, where a lightning rod was. We were currently standing in an open area where Tidus or Wakka could be struck at any moment.  
  
"Over there" He said coldly.   
  
We went there, and all standing around, watching Yuna. Except me because I was having a mushroom panic attack.  
  
_Somehow, my bad feelings always come true. _About marriage I mean, not the mushrooms.  
  
Yuna took a deep breath.  
  
"I've decided to marry" She informed us.  
  
Everyone was silent, except Rikku who was cowering after a lightning bolt struck.  
  
"B-But why? Why'd you change your mind?" Wakka squealed.  
  
"For Spira's future... and Yevon's unity. I thought it would be the best thing to do" Yuna blabbed on.  
  
"That's not good enough" Auron said unemotionally.

Woo! First good thing Auron had said since... ever.  
  
"Wait, is it... Is it because of Lord Jyscal?" Lulu asked.

Wow, was she a bright one.  
  
"Hey! That sphere!" Tidus blurted out.  
  
Auron approached her quickly.  
  
"Show me" He insisted.

I fell down cracking up at this... hehe, boob.  
  
"I can't. I must speak to Maester Seymour first. I truly am sorry, but this is... It is a personal matter"

I'd said stuff like that on Furcadia to my friends and family to know it's not wise to say that. Makes them feel left out........ Alright! Go Yunie!  
  
"You're kidding, ya?" Wakka inquired.  
  
"As you wish" Auron said.  
  
He turned away.  
  
"I'm sorry" Yuna apologized.  
  
"Just one thing" Auron started up again.  
  
"I won't quit my pilgrimage" She finished him off.  
  
"Then it is...fine" Auron said, defeated.  
  
He started to walk away. Tidus stopped him.  
  
"Wait a minute, Auron! You don't care? I mean, you're not going to stop her?" Lover boy said quickly.  
  
"No, I'm not. As long as she is willing to face Sin... all else is her concern. That is a summoner's privilege. As long as she journeys" He explained.  
  
Wakka nodded and was struck again."But that's..." I started.  
  
I tried to find my words, but couldn't and went 'arrgh'. All was silent for a few moments. I went up to Yuna.  
  
"Yuna, just one question. Can't you just talk to Maester Seymour? You've got to marry him?" I asked.  
  
"I don't know. But I think it is the right thing to do" She answered softly.

I sweatdropped.

"Okay, I guess..."  
  
Rikku approached Yunie as well.  
  
"Yunie..."She put her hands on Yuna's shoulders. Lightning struck and she looked up.

"Quiet!"

She was struck by lightning, but still faced Yuna again.

"I wish we could help somehow, some way!"  
  
Yuna puts her hand on Rikku's hand.  
  
"It's okay... I'll be fine... I've got pepper spray" Yuna said reassuringly.  
  
_She says, "I'm sorry". He says, "It's fine. She's 'willing' to face Sin. She's 'privileged_'". I didn't understand. But somehow, I felt like I didn't belong. But if I didn't belong with them, I'd be stuck in Spira, alone with Shea. And being alone in that place with her, well, I didn't want to think about it.  
  
"Next, we're going to Macalania Temple. Yuna can talk with Seymour there. We guardians will wait until they're done, and plan our next move. Understood?" Auron barked.  
  
Hmm. Guardians, eh? I guess that means I can tell Shea to interfere. The troupe reached the end of the Thunder Plains and left. Thank Yevon!

I thought this chapter was ironic because we're being rained on by hurricane... Ivan?... Bob?... Gustavo? I don't know! But anyways I'm all wet right now (or my jeans are anyways) cause I jumped in some puddles. OK! I know I haven't updated in really LONG time but here's the scoop. First I went to camp for a week. Or I PLANNED to at least. I ended up going back for 3 weeks. (If you REALLY wanna see some pictures of the craziness, email me and I'll send 'em to ya) Yeah... some of the counselors were even telling me to go home. Then my boyfriend of like, 2 years moved...... TO FRANCE .O. Then my mom started going into hyper bitchy mode due to my Grandma being here and taking the guest bedroom from her. ONE good thing that did happen to me was I finally got my computer set up. HOWEVAH! T.T I LOST MY ROUGH DRAFT! So I'm gonna be tearing my room apart till I find it... So yes, this whole chappie was improv. Go me! Well, stay tuned. Wait... Is that line copyrighted?


	7. Ruined Moments And Hockey

Anime con is next weekend. Can't type for now.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I have 1000 words stuck in my head.

Before I continue, I need to say something potentially serious. I fear I may be turning into Yuna. Haha! Gotcha! For the past 2 weeks I somehow magically knew the lyrics to "1000 words". I HAVE NEVER EVEN KNOWN _ONE_ VERSE TO THAT SONG _EVER!_ I found myself talking to myself to Cedric, like Yuna does in X2 (Who was basically my Tidus cause he randomly jumped off sometin' like yellow shoe boy once), and I found myself randomly dancing. None of this was intentional either! Do I have some disease... like Yunaitis of something?

Chapter 7: Ruining Moments and Hockey

Before we even entered the woods, Rikku stopped us.

"Wait. Can't we go AROUND the woods?" She asked.

"What is it NOW?" Shea replied.

For some reason Rikku started talkin' in a southern rednecky accent.

"Well... See. There were these twins, the Brarala twins. They went into tha woods, been there hundreds ah times, but this time they got LOST. Couldn't find there way. Then they saw this woman. She was up in tha air, FuhLOATin'! She took their heads, SWITCHED 'EM, like it was a sick game! Then she took their bodies. She SWITCHED them too! They came back lookin' esaccly the same, but we all KNEW... They'd been all _switched up_!" She ranted.

We all started at her with that weird shocked/confused look for the good part of 15 minutes. I finally walked up to her and slapped her. We continued into the woods. The group reached the entrance of a forest area. Rikku was still huddled up, walking alone. I guess she noticed there was no thunder or lightning, although you gotta admit it is amazing it too her so long to realize something like that. She unhuddled and stopped moving. The rest of the group walked past her. She jumped up in joy and slipped on the icy ground, sliding after the rest of the group. Auron stopped me and pulled me off to the side. Oh no! I'm not failing math _again_ am I?!

"Ahh! I'm sorry! I'll do my homework, just don't fail me!" I yelped.

"Pretz, you're a nut case.... You're worried about Yuna, I can tell"   
  
"Uh... no... That's Tidus... I don't really give a shit what Yunie does at this point 'cause if I complain, she'll just hit me..." I tried to convince him. No such luck.  
  
"The simplest answer would be... In exchange for agreeing to marry him... She hopes to negotiate with Seymour" He continued.

Jeez! He was like a psycho parent hell-bent on giving their kid the talk! He wouldn't shut up!  
  
"Please shut up, Auron" I said, lying down on the ground.  
  
"I wonder" He continued.   
  
I said nothing, as I was starting to have a seizure.  
  
"She's strong, but Seymour is the better negotiator"  
  
I guess my flailing on the ground had attracted the attention of the group, because they were starting to come over.  
  
"Yuna wants it this way..." Auron continued ranting.  
  
My seizure had stopped.

"On the contrary... She doesn't want us caught up in whatever it is she's planning..." He said putting his fist to his chin.  
  
Kimahri had done the first verb for him in a long time. He helped me up and Auron was STILL talking."That's the way she is. She's naive, serious to a fault, and doesn't ask for help" He continued.

Man, he doesn't know Yuna very well does he? Yuna of course herd him saying this and smacked him with her staff. Auron staggered for a minute like a drunk and STILL continued as if nothing had happened.  
  
"Yuna's easy to read"  
  
"Maybe you'd better stop, Auron" I said.  
  
Auron began to walk away.  
  
"But hard to guard. Stand by her, always"  
  
"Once again, I don't care! You're supposed to be telling TIDUS this, not me!" I screamed.

It's funny how calm I was. Maybe it was because I realized that Yuna wasn't marrying Seymour for love. Not really. It was just her duty--something she had to do before returning to her pilgrimage. That's what I kept telling myself, anyway.

"Slowpokes!" Rikku said energetically, constantly doing the splits on the ice.  
  
"Sorry!" Shea apologized for us all, "Hey, Pretz. I'll give you 150 gil to lick that tree"

"Hmm, I dunno. Isn't that dangerous......?" I inquired.

"Fine, I'll give you 250 gil!"

"Deal!" I yipped, grabbing the gil.

I stuck my tongue out and licked the tree. I tried to back up and mock Shea but my tongue was stuck to the tree.

"OH NO! Mesh tong's suck!" I mumbled.  
  
"Yuna, lets go" Tidus FINALLY took his part.  
  
She nodded and Rikku cheered. They stared to walk away.

"Hewwo? Yluna? C'mon!" I tried to say through my tongue.

That seemed to be how a lot of things went. We had wandered around for a number of days, and several times Shea and I had to fend off Blair Witch style panic attacks on Rikku's part. So, I found this to be a PERFECT opportunity to teach them a little game: Hockey. One night when Lulu was asleep, I explained the game to them. We wandered around and found a bowl type clearing in the forest. It was perfect. We made some goals out of branches and used sticks that were pretty closely shaped to a hockey stick as sticks. We just needed a puck. A block of ice wouldn't work cause it was getting dark, so Shea, Rikku, and I went back to camp looking for something to use as a puck. There was Lulu's Cat Sith, a bottle of Tidus's precious hair gel, and the steaks Kimahri made. Well, they steaks worked for a while, but they kept on breaking the sticks. I grabbed a knife and tried sneaking Naruto style to Lulu's tent. I grabbed Lulu's Cat Sith, or whatever it was. I slowly cut it'd head off and put it body back where it was: between Lulu's giant boobs. I sprinted back to the rink and we picked teams. The captains were Yuna and Rikku. Yuna picked Kimahri first. I was first on Rikku's team. Yuna then picked Tidus and Rikku picked Shea. Yuna picked Auron next and Rikku picked Wakka. _This is my time to shine _I thought.

Well, of course not! Rikku made me a goalie! Kimahri slapped the puck at me at like 100 miles an hour. Of course I dove OUT of the way. After a few minutes of play I felt a tapping on my shoulder.

"Not now, Shea. Tidus is coming" I shooed who I thought was Shea away.

"What are you talking about? I'm over here-......"She started to say, but grew a mortified, horror-struck look on her face.

"There's something bad behind me, isn't there?"

Standing behind me was Lulu. The look on her face was bloodcurdlingly scary then that picture of Rikku shoved in a cabinet at the hotel. She said nothing and just held up her doll.

"It was Tidus" I promptly said.

She dropped the headless doll, grabbed one of my braids, and started strangling me with them. I would have died that night if it weren't for Kimahri. He finally calmed Lulu down a bit.

"Pretz good person. Kimahri protect Pretz" He said.

"You mean like a guardian?" I asked.

Kimahri nodded.

Wow. My own guardian. Well, we continued onward. Along the way, Barthello ran up to the posse.  
  
"Hey! You, have you seen Dona?" "Dona? Can't say I have" Tidus said.  
  
"What's up?" Wakka asked.  
  
"We got separated on the way here. Damn it all! I've got to find her!"  
  
"Calm down" Auron barked.

"How the fuck do you lose a summoner?" I asked.  
  
"But, if anything happens to her..."  
  
"Running around in a panic is not going to help. Right now, you have to keep cool, and search" Auron insisted.  
  
"But--" "Guard your emotions, then guard your summoner" "You're right"  
  
"Shall we search?" Auron asked.  
  
"No, I've taken up enough of your time. Thank you, Sir Auron"  
  
He did the prayer gesture, and then ran off. Rikku ran to the front of the group, and then stopped.  
  
"What's up?" Wakka asked in the exact same tone as last time.  
  
"Oh, I just wanted to wish him good luck" She answered.  
  
The flock continued through Macalania Woods. we got to one area, where a man dressed as a bird walked to the group.  
  
"A butterfly with golden wings will lead the way to secret things. Precious Precious"   
  
Tidus lifted his foot.

"You mean this?"

The strange little man screamed.

"Ah! What have you done to the Precious!?"

Tidus ignored him and put it in his pocket as we left. The group continued through the forest, finally arriving at one area.  
  
"Wait. It is here...somewhere" Auron said.  
  
"What's here?" Tidus asked.  
  
"Something you should see"  
  
"But, Sir Auron..." Yuna begged.  
  
"It won't take long"   
  
Auron sliced repeatedly into a tree, clearing a path for us to pass through. He went first; we follow him. We were then standing in a section of Macalania Woods beside a lake, with a large tree past the lake.  
  
"This place... It's just water, isn't it?" Tidus asked again.  
  
"This is what spheres are made of. It absorbs and preserves people's memories" Auron explained.

It felt good to not be the one people explained things to. Out of the water came a large blob, which formed a big sphere.  
  
"What's that?" Wakka screamed.  
  
"Fiends are also attracted to these places" Auron said calmly.  
  
"Thanks for the warning!" I screamed.

After a long fight it got destroyed, and melted. Afterwards, in the water, we saw a sphere sitting. It was Jecht's Sphere.  
  
"Whoa, this is old! Don't know if you can play it back" Wakka exclaimed.  
  
"Jecht left it here ten years ago. Play it back" Auron ordered.  
  
"What are you taking?" A younger Auron in the sphere asked.  
  
"Well, you said it was gonna be a long trip" Jecht said.

We saw Auron and Braska walking, with a large building in the background. Jecht was using the sphere like a video camera.

"We'll be seeing a lot of neat things, right? So I thought I'd record it all in this. To show to my wife and kid, you know"  
  
"This is no pleasure cruise!" Auron yelled at him.

Even when he was younger Auron was a hard ass.

"Hey, Braska. Ain't this supposed to be a grand occasion? Where're the cheering fans? The crying women?" Jecht laughed.  
  
"This is it. Too many goodbyes--people think twice about leaving" Braska said calmly.  
  
"Hmm... If you say so. Well, it better be a lot more colorful when we come back. A parade for Braska, vanquisher of Sin!" Jecht fantasized.  
  
Braska laughed.   
  
"We should go. Day will break soon" Braska said.  
  
The sphere got turned off; the screen went black. It faded back in on any icy landscape; a Travel Agency was in the background. Jecht and Auron were standing far apart; Braska was now controlling the sphere.  
  
"Auron, you could stand closer to him?" Braska asked.  
  
Auron sighed, nodded, waited a few moments, and then went to stand beside Jecht. "Good. That should do it"  
  
Above their heads, we noticed a banner that said 'Lake Macalania'.  
  
"What's the matter? Afraid I might bite?" Jecht sneered.  
  
"Jecht..."   
  
"Braska! You should take one, too. It'd make a great gift for little Yuna!" Jecht laughed.  
  
"I suppose"   
  
Auron stepped forward.  
  
"Lord Braska... We shouldn't be wasting our time like this!"  
  
"What's the hurry, man?" Jecht asked in a very stoner-ish voice.  
  
Auron walked towards Braska.  
  
"Let me tell you what the hurry is!"  
  
"Auron!" Braska tried to calm him down.  
  
The sphere turned off."What's the point? He wasn't on some pleasure cruise" Tidus whined.  
  
"I think there's more" Rikku pointed out.  
  
The sphere's turned back on again. The area that Yuna and company were now in was shown, with the same big tree in the background. The sphere turned off, then on again. Jecht was talking to the sphere, which he placed on the ground.  
  
"Hey. If you're sitting there, watching this... It means you're stuck in Spira, like me. You might not know when you'll get back home, but you better not be crying! Although, I guess I'd understand. But you know what? There's a time when you have to stop crying and move on. You'll be fine. Remember, you're my son. And... Well, uh... Never mind. I'm not good at these things"   
  
He stood up, walked off-screen, and turned the sphere off. He soon turned it back on, holding it like a video camera again, so we didn't see him.  
  
"Anyways...I believe in you. Be good. Goodbye"  
  
The sphere finally turned off.  
  
"He sounded almost serious, but it was too late" Tidus sighed.  
  
"He was serious. Jecht had already accepted his fate" Auron started talking.  
  
"His fate?" Girly boy asked.  
  
"Jecht... He... He was always talking about going home, to Zanarkand. That's why he took all those pictures--to show them to you when he returned. But as he journeyed with us and came to understand Spira, and Braska's resolve... It happened gradually, but Jecht changed. He decided he would join Braska in his fight against Sin" Auron wouldn't shut up.  
  
"So then, he gave up going home?" Tidus asked.  
  
"That was his decision" Auron continued.

That is until I stood behind him wearing a mask of Yubaba from Spirited Away. Tidus burst out laughing and fell down. Auron stormed away.

"This was getting to be too serious" I laughed.  
  
"All right! Let's go, guys!" Tidus cheered.  
  
_Maybe I had to start accepting my own fate._  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Ok! Ivan was AWESOME in my backyard! Anyway, this chapter was a little rushed, and it shows. Anime Weekend Atlanta was this weekend and if you were there on Saturday, you saw the many Yunas. That was my costume this year. Let me tell you something: The words masking tape and boob should NEVER be used in the same sentence! EVER! Spending time as Yuna made me sort of respect her in a way. She walks around in heels 24/7. Anyway, it took me 3 hours to make it from the bottom of the escalators, up and around artist's ally, and back down when I was with my FFX2 buddies. They were dressed as thief Yuna, gunner Paine, and warrior Rikku. As you might know they won the novice division of the costume contest. Playing FFX2 will never be the same to me after hanging out with them all day. On Friday there was a black mage Rikku, which I hope I can find online somewhere cause I didn't have a camera, and she didn't enter the costume contest as her. She was so much like Rikku though. Acting like a 6 year old I mean. "C'mon! I gotta pee! Where're we goin'? Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom. Hey mom." There was a cool Lulu with her too. AND I FOUND A LENNE! She was awesome. Me, her and some other girl are gonna be YRP next year, so tell me some Rikku and Paine dress sphere's you think they should be. I didn't get to enter cause my dad didn't bring the reference picture in time. I AM however on a number of sites, and will get those up once I find them. Next year I hope to go as Samurai Yuna, but I'd like to know what dress sphere you think I should go as. Cosplaying at Publix is funny when you're on your way home and want some doughnuts, and people are staring at you and your friends.


	8. Chapter 9: Mistakes

My inspiration as returned! And none of you have any idea what I mean by this! Mwhaha! AMAZING! HA! I STOLE YOUR WORD!

Before you say a word, you've probably noticed this is chapter 9. Where is chapter 8? There isn't one. See, my friend Nick (Who refers to himself as Dr. Nick) had noticed my Yuna-itis had transcended into Lenne-itis. One main reason was I remembered I don't really care about Tidus at all. Shuyin however...hmm hmm hmm chuckle. Apparently part of my brain has become permanently trapped in Spira or something. Dr. Nick's 'prescription' was to remove all things associated with Spira from my life for 2 weeks as of the time I posted chapter 8 of my story. Well, do you know how much effort that would be!? I'd have to change my computer background, take down half my posters, change my AIM theme and icon, take that picture out of my locker and hide my costumes! It can not be done!

Disclaimer: Well, I emailed Square Enix about sharing FFX with me. They said no. But I'm just gonna say I own Jarrett even though he'll probably have a fit when he reads that comment...

Chapter 9: Mistakes

We spent the rest of the night in Macalania. _What a bizarre week this has been_ I thought to myself. I had become a guardian for a summoner who tries to kill me, Shea had come into the picture, but no Jarrett. I had accidentally hit Donna in the head with a machete while clearing a path through the woods. You may wonder _'Why would you hit Donna in the head with a machete?_', but instead ask yourself _'Why was Donna in the way of my machete?_'. I had also dyed Shea's hair black while she slept. Why did I dye Shea's hair black? Why was Shea's hair in my dye? Wow. The only way this could get weirder would be for Lulu to start smoking and Auron to wear a pink dress.

Today was the third day of the tenth month in the Spiran calendar: Uldupan; the equivalent to Earth's October. You'd think they'd realize that was Al Bhed. I awoke very early the next morning. The sun wasn't even up yet. I sat up and quickly jogged down to the pond near us. The only one awake was Kimahri, who was walking back from the lake. He seemed more vibrantly purple than normal. I ignored it and got to the water. I randomly swam around until I noticed something on my arm. **28:06:42:12.** I knew what it was and screamed. Rikku came running.

"Fryd? Fryd?" She said.

"Look!" I yelled, holding out my arm.

"Wryd'c dra pek taym?"(What's the big deal?) She asked.

I ran out of the water, grabbed her arm, ran to Shea's bag and pulled out her DVD player. Shea was missing for some reason, but I was a little preoccupied.

"Did Shea ever show you the movie Donnie Darko?"

"No..."

I popped it in and showed the scene to her. She gasped.

"Promise not to tell Yuna. I know she's seen this movie" I begged of her.

"Sure, Pretz. I don't think she'll care though. I mean. She hates you"

"Call me crazy, Rikku, but I don't think that's totally true"

"Oui'na jnyxo" (You're crazy) She said.

We both laughed. Shea walked up and hit me for using her DVD player. I showed her my arm.

"Oui eteud. I drew that because you dyed my hair black while I was sleeping"

"You speak Al Bhed!?"

Yes, that was my main concern.

When it was time to get up the next morning, I couldn't even get out of my sleeping bag. Too cold. Kimahri pulled my sleeping bag around across the icy floors until I fell out of it, sliding a few feet in a fetal position. So after that traumatic experience, we left the Macalania Woods, to a big old frozen lake: Lake Macalania. Are we at the north pole of Spira or something? Where's the big, fat and strange dude with candy. Strangers have the best candy. Some dude was tending to a chocobo. Pass the ketchup! Kimahri never made breakfast.   
  
"Hi there. Would you look at this? They always leave me behind" He just automatically started talking. We all stared at him wondering who the Hell he was for about 10 minutes.  
  
The flock walked some more. Now before me was a vast frozen lake. I could've had only one thing on mind. BAMBI TIME! I jumped out onto the ice, pulling Shea with me, and slipped and started skidding around, eventually slamming into a rock. Then that guado guy from before came up to the group. Tidus started flippin' out about him not being on the list, but Kimahri held him back.

"Lady Yuna, we've been expecting you. We were surprised you decided to come so soon. Pleasantly surprised, of course. Lord Seymour sends his apologies for having left without notice"

Ok, this dude sounded way too scripted and suspicious to be human...... Oh, wait. He's a guado. Never mind. They're all weird like that.  
  
"It's quite all right. I have one question, if I may, sir" Yuna said in that fake innocent voice.

"My lady?" The scary Medusa wannabe asked.  
  
"I want to keep journeying, even if I marry. Do you think that Maester Seymour would let me?"

I could be found in the background screaming "NNNOOO! Don't do it Yuna! Seymour's a jackass!" and trying to fight off Kimahri's grip.  
  
"But of course, my lady. Lord Seymour wishes nothing else, I'm sure" Tromell assured her.  
  
Yuna turned, faced the group, and nodded.  
  
"Goodbye" She said.  
  
She walked up to Tromell.  
  
"Well... We must follow Guado tradition. I'll have to ask you to wait here a little while longer. I'll send someone to escort you" Tromell stopped her.  
  
Wow, that's a stupid tradition to be married into. _Why does blueberry boy want to talk to Yuna alone so badly, anyway?_ I thought. _Is he like, planning world conquest or something?_ A little skit-like thought popped into my head. Seymour had a very high pitched voice.

"_Lady Yuna, it would be a great honor if you took my hand in marriage. And we could crush Spira, like a grape. Did I say crush?! I meant to say unite in peace, and harmony, and bloodshed. Did I say bloodshed?! I meant to say-"_

My train of thought tragically lost in a freak dental accident. Tromell walked away. Yuna began to walk, but turned around.  
  
"I..."   
  
"We're all with you. Do as you will" Auron said.

I wish people wouldn't speak for me. Even though it would get me in less trouble, it's annoying.  
  
"Thank you" Yuna said softly.  
  
Auron turned his head to Tidus.

"Sorry"

Tidus went "Hmm?"

"That was your line. I misread my script. Sorry"  
  
Tidus ran forward, remembering what he should have done before Auron stole his line.  
  
"Yuna!"  
  
He whistled. Hmm, I didn't know Yuna worked for a strip club now... She turned around.  
  
"Yessir!"  
  
Tromell and Yuna walked off. Something else was getting the pack's (Me, Rikku and now Shea, just cause she's crazy) attention.  
  
"Oh, no!" We all screamed in unison like you would see on Sailor Moon.

Wakka choked on the hockey puck he was trying to eat.

"Foul! Oh, I mean Al Bhed!" he screamed.  
  
Several Al Bhed on what appeared to be jumbo-sized skidoo's encircled Yuna and Tromell. The group jumped off the path to reach them, except Tidus who, for some reason, ran around the long way.  
  
"Stand back" Auron Barked.  
  
"Thank you!" Tromell said in his weird guado voice.

Tromell and Yuna began to walk away. She jerked her hand from his grasp and rejoined the group. Wait... They were holding hands!? What the fuck?!

"Lady Yuna!"  
  
The group was completely surrounded by Al Bhed, who appeared ready to fight. All of a sudden, they all ran away. Oh yeah! Fear my majesty!  
  
"Rikku!"  
  
A dude with a Mohawk and too many tattoos and saggy overalls was standing on top of a hill of ice.  
  
"Tuh'd ehdanvana un oui kad drec!" ("Don't interfere or you get this!") The farmer trying to imitate Good Charlotte yelled out.  
  
Beside him, a large machina cannon moved up the hill.  
  
"Ouin bnaleuic magic yht aeons yna caymat!" ("Your precious magic and aeons are sealed!")   
  
He laughed. _"Ok, this doesn't really matter. I don't use magic"_ I thought. Then I remembered the thousands of time Lulu had to bring me back to life and stuff........ _"USING MAGIC! OH CRAP!"_  
  
"Oh, no!" Rikku cried, being over dramatic.  
  
"Translation?" Tidus demanded, facing the wrong person, accidentally asking Shea.  
  
"He's gonna use an anti-magic field on us!" Rikku yelled at Auron.  
  
"Kad dras!" ("Get them!") Mohawk man yelled, facing the other way, before slipping and falling down the backside of the hill.  
  
The cannon dropped down. Ok, to put this very simply: I got my ass kicked and handed to me on a platter.  
  
"My lady!" Tromell said running up to Shea, who just pointed to Yuna.  
  
Tromell and Yuna walked away. The Mohawk guy had crawled back up the hill.  
  
"Rikku! E femm damm Vydran!" ("I will tell Father!") He whined.  
  
"E ys dra guardian uv Yuna, oui caa? Yuna ec cyva! Fa femm kiynt ran! Cra ec cyva!" ("I am the guardian of Yuna, you see? Yuna is safe! We will guard her! She is safe!") Rikku yelled back at Wakka.  
  
"Oui tu drec ymuha, cecdan!" ("You do this alone, sister!") He yelled sliding back down the hill. "Oui ryjah'd caah dra mycd uv sa Ehcbaldun Kytkad!" ("You haven't seen the last of me Inspector Gadget!")

Rikku giggled. Ok, what else is new?  
  
"I told him I was a guardian. Well, guess I had to, really"

"How come you speak Al Bhed? Why?" He yelled at Rikku and I. Wait... Rikku's the one who spoke Al Bhed, not me.  
  
Wakka looked at everyone.  
  
"Because we're Al Bhed. And that...was my brother" Rikku started at Tidus.  
  
"You knew? Why didn't you tell me?" He yelled at Kimahri, who picked him up and put him down facing Lulu.  
  
"We knew you'd be upset" She said calmly."This is great. I can't believe I've been traveling with an Al Bhed! A heathen!"  
  
He sounded like Hillary Faye from that movie Saved.

"You're wrong! We have nothing against Yevon" I sighed.  
  
"But you Al Bhed use the forbidden machina! You know what that means? Sin was born because people used machina!" He wailed at Lulu.  
  
"You got proof? Show me proof!" Rikku defended.  
  
"It's in Yevon's teachings! Not that you'd know!" He sneered at a nearby rock.  
  
"That's not good enough! Yevon says this, Yevon says that. Can't you think for yourself?" Rikku made an excellent point, even though she was yelling at Shea.  
  
"Well, then you tell me! Where did Sin come from, huh?" Wakka poked me.   
  
"I...I don't know!" Rikku continued to yell at poor Shea.  
  
"Hmph. You bad mouth Yevon, and that's all you can come up with?" He started to nag at a nearby icicle  
  
"But... that doesn't mean you should do whatever they say without thinking! Nothing will ever change that way!" I cut in, actually yelling at the right person.  
  
"Nothing has to change!" Wakka twirled around, steaming at me all demonic like.

It was very scary.

"You want Sin to keep coming back? There might be a way to stop it, you know!" I defended.

"_Oh No! I just ended a sentence with you know! I'm turning into Rikku!"_ I screamed at myself.  
  
"Sin will be gone once we atone for our past mistakes!" Wakka started to yell at a passing person.

"Dude, I'm just the plumber..." He said, ignoring Wakka.

"When? How?" Rikku finally started to help me.  
  
"If we keep faith in Yevon's teachings it will be gone one day!" Wakka said oh so stubbornly.  
  
"Why do I even bother?" I muttered.  
  
"Rikku! Will this move?" Auron asked.

Finally, a change of subject. He was standing beside one of the big skidoos the Al Bhed left behind. She ran towards it and began fixing it.  
  
"We're not using that, are we? Wait... Sir Auron isn't Al Bhed too, is he?" Wakka accused.  
  
"Come on, Wakka..." Tidus tried to calm him down.  
  
"What!?"   
  
"I mean, getting angry just 'cause you found out Pretz and Rikku are Al Bhed... You guys got along fine till now, didn't you?"  
  
"That's different. I mean... Any one of you could be an Al Bhed. A heathen! Auron, or Tidus, or Kimahri, or Lu, or Shea, or even _you_" He blabbed on and on pointed at nothing for that last one.  
  
"Well, I don't claim to know that much about Spira. And I probably know even less about the Al Bhed, but... I know at least _Rikku's_ a good person. She's just Rikku!" Shea tried to convince him.  
  
"Shut up! Lies! All filthy lies!" He screamed, shoving her, "Lu?"  
  
"Just think of this as an opportunity to learn more about the Al Bhed" She said calmly.  
  
"Ha!"  
  
Wakka walked away and Tidus started to follow.  
  
"Let him go. Give him time to think" Auron stopped him.

"Think on what? His mind's already made up. I was following him to go beat some sense into him" Tidus explained, "And... Um, Auron?"

"What is it?"

"I've gotta go to the bathroom"

"Fine, but do it over there. Away from Wakka"

Tidus yayed and skipped off to take a leak.  
  
"We're sorry" Rikku and I said at the same time.  
  
"You've done nothing to apologize for" Lulu reassured us. She's so much like a big sister.  
  
"All right! Let's Teh'go!" Tidus ran back and yelled in a Mario voice.  
  
"You sure you know how to drive this?" Rikku asked.  
  
Kimahri flipped one over that had previously been upside down. He sat on it, and drove away. _Oh, THANKS Kimahri. Now we all have to be shoved onto the other two. Was there two... or one. Hmm. This could be tricky.  
_  
  
"Better than Kimahri does!" I laughed.  
  
I plopped on one, with Lulu behind me, and drove away. Only _after_ I started driving it did it come to mind _"Oh, shit... I never got my drivers permit..."_  
  
"I hope that you're not too mad at Wakka" Lulu said plainly.  
  
"Hey, not at all. People accuse me of being evil every day"  
  
"Thank you"

"Um, you're welcome I guess"  
  
I continued trying to drive, almost running us off the cliff several thousand times.  
  
"Say, what do you think of Rikku?" I asked.  
  
"Me? She's...fun to be with"

"That all?"  
  
"Well, I can tell she's not a bad person"   
  
"Yeah. You know what the problem is? She's just another Al Bhed to Wakka. Wakka's head is as hard as a rock. I bet it's because of Yevon. Or, you know, something like that"  
  
"Well, there's more to it than that"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Wakka doesn't like the Al Bhed because of his brother Chappu"   
  
"Oh...he used a machina weapon, right? And got killed by Sin. Killed by my old man. Damn you, Jecht"  
  
"What?"   
  
"Opps! Wrong line! Hey... Can someone, like, a human become Sin ever?""I can't say that I know, but why?"  
  
"Ok, stop it"   
  
"Sin is the punishment for, and the incarnation of, crimes we have committed"  
  
"Seriously, Lulu. Stop"   
  
"There's no need to know, so no one asks. You run or you fight. That is really all you can do. There's no sense brooding over it"

"Lulu! Shut the Hell up!"  
  
"You really do come from a world where there is no Sin, like you say..."

"I'll run this car off a bridge! I swear to Yevon! Shut up!"

Well, I had something really funny for my author's note, but I forgot it... Oh, as for my desc. I'm not a happy camper. I'm a happy C.I.T. Hehe. Well, I would still like dress sphere suggestions for a Yuna costume. Any are good except thief, gun mage, alchemist, warrior, dark knight, berserker, songstress, lady luck, and trainer. None of these can fit inside of a mascot costume, or aren't movable (Ok, that's just trainer, but whatever). What does this leave? Samurai, black mage, and white mage, and gunner. Tell me in your review. And you WILL review, or I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish (This means YOU, Shea and Jarrett). Haha, this'll be funny. Anyone know where I could get that plushy Yuna carries as a mascot? And if anyone figures out how to make a tear-away moogle costume tell me. $10 says Jarrett says the word 'Amazing' in his review. Well, I finally found myself on the internet. XD IT'S AWESOME! Go to the Cartoon Network website and search for elections. Watch the one called 'The people have spoken'. The last person is Shea. XD I JUST LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU SHEA! It's so funny! Bwhahaha! Gak! I fell out of my chair. Well, here I go. I'm gonna try and be Spiraless for 2 whole weeks. Yep. Here I go. Nooo Spira at all. Out in the big, bad world with no Tidus to talk to in my head. Yessirie! No Hymn of the Fayth to be stuck in my head. No wearing my gunner costume under my clothes............ I'm screwed. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAHAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! R-R-RIKKU AND RAVEN! THEY HAVE THE SAME VOICE ACTOR! WHY HAVE YOU GONE TO THE DARK SIDE?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO DC COMICS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -.- I just fell through my deck...


	9. The Real Chapter 9: Delays

Disclaimer: I own only my grades. I didn't know grades could plummet that fast.

We had a Crucible test today. We had to say who we'd cast to play various people and I was gonna say the Van Helsing dude but I forgot his name and spent the rest of the day trying to remember it. AND I KNOW I'LL REMEMBER IT TOMORROW! Damn it!

The _Real _Chapter 9: Delays

After many threats to run the snowmobile off the bridge, and Kimahri and Shea duct taping m to the back of the snowmobile, we finally reached the entrance to Macalania Temple. A guard was there in front of the door. They untied me, I ran around screaming "freedom!" for a while, and then Rikku and I ran up to the door.

"Halt! The likes of _them_ are not welcome in this hallowed place"

I reached down, grabbed his subtitle and changed it to say Halloween. Hehe.

"You can't keep me out of here! Halloween is the one day of the year when taking candy from strangers is encouraged! EET'S MAH DAY TAH SHINE!"

Auron sighed.

"They are guardians"

"Al Bhed, guardians? Preposterous!" The guard yelled.

"I've decided to be Yuna's guardian now, and that's all I want" Rikku begged.

I however had more integrity.

"And what about you, much more slutty one?" the guard asked.

"They've been dragging me along since Besaid, nearly killed me a few times, and made me be Yuna's guardian"

"What?"

"Oh, I mean I just wanna protect Yuna"

"And that's all one needs to be a guardian" Auron stopped me.

"Very well"

We all entered the temple, and I ran around crazily trying to find the candy. That princess Lea wannabe known as Shelinda ran up to me.

"Ah! There you are! So Lady Yuna is getting married. You shouldn't kid around about these things!" She yelled.

"What are you talking about? Who the Hell are you?!"

"You're not happy?"

"Happy?! A random Star Wars freak just ran up to me and started yelling at me about Yuna getting married!"

As fast as my legs could carry me I ran away from her before she tried to use the force on me or something.

"Do you guys know where Yuna is?"

"I believe... she's gone to the Cloister of Trials with Maester Seymour"

"AAHHH! Go away, you psycho freak!" I waved my hand in the air "You _will_ go away"

The weirdest part was... she did!

"Dude! I'm a Jedi! Fuckin' awesome!" I jumped up and down.

"Ooh, you got a light saber?" Shea asked.

"Hmm" I pulled out a flashlight and clicked it on "Chheew! Vwom! Vwom! Voooo! Vwom! Kcch! Vwoom!"

Well, of course Shea pulled hers out and we had a battle. She checked me into a wall after a while.

"Yes, Pretz, use your hate. Join me on the dark side of the force!"

"Never!"

"It is your destiny! Look inside, you'll see the truth"

We fought some more, making our own cheesy sound effects.

"I'm feeling something strange inside. What are you doing to me?!"

"Your rightful place is at my side. You know it is true" Shea said.

"What do you mean? What does all this mean?" I asked in a very crybaby-ish voice.

"Pretz... I am your... COUNSELOR!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I guess in all the epic battle for camp and stuff something important had happened. This girl out of a random, much less important room. 

"Lord Jyscal!" She screamed.

"Lady, Elvis is dead... leave it alone..." Shea said.

"A sphere, in Lady Yuna's belongings..."

So naturally everyone ran into that random, much less important room that suddenly became more important, which shall now be known as 'Jyscal's Sphere room'.

"This may well answer a few questions" Auron said.

Auron handed Tidus the sphere. He placed it on the floor and turns it on. Then Auron smacked him for putting it on the floor where no one can see it like a moron. Once he fixed it we saw an image of Lord Jyscal, with a cloudy background as if he's underwater, and several bubbles floated up every so often. Ah! I'm having an acid trip! Every so often, lightning appeared to strike in the distant background. Why was he in a pool of soda in the Thunder Plains? It's no wonder he's dead. I felt a speech coming on. We all know what that means.

"What I am about to tell you is the unclouded truth. I swear it on my honor as a Guado"

"Guado honor is like French bravery, it does not exist!"

"Listen to me very carefully, for I shall tell you the truth about my son, Seymour"

"He's gay? I knew it!"

"His mind is closed even to me, a maester of Yevon"

"Well, he _is_ taller than you. And a _little_ less ugly, so..."

"But I can feel flames of darkness burning in his heart"

"Stop it with your Jedi mind tricks! You speak lies!"

"He is using Yevon, the Guado, and even the summoners"

"Ha! I knew it! Yuna owes me 20 gil!"

"If he is not stopped, he will surely bring destruction and chaos to Spira"

"Umm, too late..."

"I will leave this world soon, killed by my own son"

"Hehe, red rum..."

"But I do not fault him"

"What?! Why not!? He killed you, you idiot!"

"Because I was not wise enough, he has suffered, and become twisted"

"I think he was born pretty twisted. I saw that picture of him at the mansion. He's like 5 and he's already gone Texas Chainsaw Massacre on is stuffed bear..."

"I could not protect him and his mother from the world and its cruelty"

"Hehe, stupid half breed. Wait a minute... What am I saying?"

"I will accept death as punishment for my deeds"

"Oh well. Too late now, eh?"

"But whoever is watching this..."

"The what now…...?"

"I implore you to stop Seymour! Stop my son"

"Hmm. Implore...cchhhh, yeah! Ya know _what_? Nah-uh!"

"To stop him quickly you must-"

Before he could finish I kicked the sphere.

"Wonderful, Pretz. You may have brought about a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse" Auron said.

I gasped. Shea spoke up finally.

"You, big trouble! You, lighten up! You, get in the car!" She said pointing at me, Auron and then empty space.

"Um... Shea... There's no one there. And we don't have a car" I said blankly.

"Car sounds like mar. Mar has an 'M' in it. 'M' is the first letter in machina! Forbidden machina!" Wakka screamed.After bribing- I mean asking Lulu to cast silence on him, I finally showed my first sign of feelings for others for a long time.

"Will Yuna be all right?" I asked quietly.

Auron walked out of the room.

"Without us, no"

Kimahri ran out and Rikku followed.

"Where you goin'?" Wakka asked as if we were deserting him.

"You saw, didn't you? Seymour's bad news!" Tidus yelled at him.

"But he's a maester!"

"Fine! Stay here if you want!" 

"Come on, Wakka. Let's at least hear him out" Lulu urged him.

"This can't be happening"

Finally after everyone else had left, I walked up to Wakka.

"You know, Wakka, you say you're a devout Yevonite, and you would do anything to protect your summoner, but you won't even help Yuna now. She needs you Wakka, and now of all times you choose not to be her guardian? Don't guardians have a code or something? 'Protect the summoner blah blah blah no matter what'. Yuna hates me, and I'm still going to help her. I'm her guardian. It's my job. You should do yours" I turned to leave, "I know that Yevonism is one big hypocrisy, but... Wait... WHAT _IS_ YOUR RELIGION CALLED? AND WHY THE HELL DON'T I GET PAYED FOR THIS?"

Wakka shoved me and stormed out of the room. Shea walked in and helped me up.

"Wow, Pretz"

"What?"

"I didn't know you were going to help Yuna after all she's done to ya. You really would have made a good counselor. You've got guts" She said noogieing me.

I pulled away and ran out the door.

"C'mon, you can be my G.I.T." I laughed.

"A what?"

"Guardian in training"

"G.I.T... git... Hey! You turd!"

I burst into the door to the Cloister of Trials with Shea's arm around my neck. Tidus ran up to her.

"Shea, no!" He started scolding her, "Your hands are too small! Let me do it!" He finished and started choking me as Shea laughed.

"Kimahri's up ahead. Get Sirius you three!"

As I read his subtitle I noticed something. He said get Sirius, not serious. Hmm, time to collect a bounty on a wizard I guess.

"Right!" Tidus said running at the door, bouncing off it and falling to the ground."We will protect Yuna from anyone. Even a master. Tidus, what did I tell you this morning?"

Tidus stood up and rubbed his foot on the ground in little circles. It kinda reminded me of Thumper.

"If you're gonna run into another room" he paused for a moment, "you need to open up the door first"

"This can't be happening" Wakka sighed.

"If he is truly at fault, it must be done" Lulu reassured him.

"Hey, we were thinking" Rikku, Shea and I stepped forward, "Could just us go. She could really use the experience, and our little group_ is_ called SRP now... Whaddya say?"

Auron looked at us for a while, looking like he was thinking about it.

"Absolutely not. You three are the worst guardians in Spira" He said coldly.

_Oh, poopie!_ We ran through the tunnel to the next room, where mascara boy was standing on a staircase leading to the Chamber of the Fayth, where Yuna was I assumed. Unless of course he had duct taped her in a closet somewhere. The door to the chamber was closed and a Guado guard was standing on either side of the stairs. '_Are they supposed to me Seymour's muscle men to scare us or something? They look kinda scrawny to me'_ I thought.

"Seymour!" I yelled out.

"Please be silent. Lady Yuna prays to the fayth" Seymour said in that freakily calm funeral home director voice of his.

"Make me!" Being a smartass is just what I do.

Seymour turned around and walked down the steps. He smirked at us, which is nightmares for me! The chamber doors opened and Yuna walked out. Seymour turned to face her.

"Yuna!" Tidus yelled, pointing out the obvious.

"But why...?" She asked.

"We saw Jyscal's sphere!" I answered.

"YOU WENT IN MY STUFF!?!?!?!" She fumed.

Yuna immediately began to hurl a cinderblock at me.

"Ah! It wasn't me, Yuna! It was- GYAHHH!!" I began to explain before I developed a concussion and fainted.

"You killed him" Auron continued to say.

"What of it? Huh! You wanna piece a' me old man!?" Seymour cleared his throats,"Lady Yuna, certainly you knew of these things, did you not?"

Yuna made some noises. She didn't know what to say, I guess.

"Well then, why have you come here?" Seymour continued.

"I came... I came to stop you!" Yuna shouted as she joined us.

"I see. You came to punish me, then" Seymour said with a smirk.

Even though I was knocked out and had a severe concussion, I started laughing. 'Hehehe, I want to be punished! No, punish me!' that ever present line from Myuki-chan in Wonderland played in my head.

Seymour turned around, faced us and walked forward, extending his hand creepy boney Guado hand. Yuna backed away, stepping on my arm.

"What a pity"

All of them surrounded Yuna, and Shea dragged my by the arm in front of her.

"Ah, of course. 'Protect the summoner even at the cost of one's life'. The Code of the Guardian. How admirable."

His two scrawny muscle guards stepped forward.

"Well, if you're offering your lives, I will have to take them"

"Um, scary blue man? I'd just like to point out at this time I'm not offering my life. You're more than welcome to take Pretz here's life. Yuna's just gonna kill her anyways" Shea said seriously, holding me up by my wrist.

It was then I heard Shea's voice in the darkness of it all. I came out of that half coma for one reason, and one reason only: to kill Shea. I started strangling her like her had done to me.

"You meanie! You really ARE on the dark side of the force! I have no idea why Jamie likes you!" I started.

"Maester Seymour. I trust all my guardians with my life... Well, except for Pretz… But they are also my friends. I will not stand by and watch them be hurt. I will fight you, too!" Yuna so rudely interrupted me.

"Maester Seymour!" Wakka pleaded.

"Wakka, it's a little late to be begging at this point" I laughed.

"So be it" Seymour said calmly.

Well, we quickly took out his muscle men and beat him up.

"Feel my pain. Come, Anima!" He shouted.

I swiftly through a bottle of Pepto Bismal at him. Hey, Anima still sounds like enema to me. Maybe he's just having issues taking a dump and that's why he's so evil. I still think Anima sounds like enema. He summoned Anima, the massively-powerful Aeon who killed all the fiends at the blitzball tournament in Luca. After a while we killed giant turd, and were back to fighting girly boy.

"That power that defeated Anima... It will be mine!" He barked.

He got this extremely demonic look on his face, but sadly for him, I have to attention span of a rodent. While the morons were trying to fight him, I snuck behind him with a pair of hedge clippers. Very carefully and intricately I CHOPPED OFF THE ENTIRETY OF HIS HAIR! BWHAHAHAHAHA! He fell to his knees, hissing and screeching like Oogie Boogie.

"EEYYYYAAHHH!!!! MAH HAIR! MAH HAIR! MAH HAIR!"

After a while he finally stopped his infernal screeching.

"Yuna...you would pity me now?"

But even Yuna was not listening. He were talking and completely ignoring him like adults normally do to at Christmas parties. In the mean time he was slowly crawling towards the door. Not the main door, mind you, but a puny side door with a knob. Hehe, knob! He got all the way to the door and the door flung open. It hit Seymour ad he flew up into the air, landing where he once was. The word Overkill appeared over his body. Just as our luck would have it, Tromell, Seymour's official spokesperson, walked in.

"Lord Seymour! What happened here?" He yelled at us.

Tromell and his two female assistants run to Seymour's body. The females started being overly lugubrious... even crazily if you ask me. Like those vampires from Van Helsing. Mmm, Helsing...

"What...what have I done?" Wakka muttered to himself.

"YOU didn't do SHIT, hair gel boy! It was all me!" I yelled, taking recognition for my one and only victory.

"Wait a minute! It's not our fault at all! Seymour struck first! He's the bad guy!" Tidus defended us so stupidly.

"Tidus, have you ever heard of the term 'Don't confess to something they don't know bout yet'?" I whispered in his ear.

"You did this?" Tromell guessed.

"No, NO! It wasn't us. It was... THAT GUY!" Shea screamed pointing at some random guado.

"But he has 'Pretz and Shea were here' written on his face. Your names are so, are they not?" Tromell glared at us.

"Um... no?" I explained.

"Oh... alright then"

The two assistants carried Seymour's body out of the room. Tromell followed them. Yuna dropped to her knees. I think she was having one of those way-too-freakishly-innocent-to-be-Yuna moments."We're finished" Wakka yelled.

"Now hold on just a minute! Seymour's the bad guy, right? We'll just explain to everyone what happened!" Tidus tried to convince himself.

We returned through the ice tunnel we came through before. Alas, the bottom of the tunnel vanished beneath our feet and we all fell to our dooms. 

"Oh, come on! Gimme a break! How are we supposed to get back up there?" I yelled.

"Ooh, I know. What if we all stood on each other's shoulders?" Rikku suggested.

"Rikku..." Lulu stared.

"Yeah, I know. It was a pretty dumb idea"

"No, that's actually a pretty good idea"

"REALLY?" She said all high pitched and sparkly eyed.

So we all stacked up as follows. Kimahri was on the bottom for obvious reason; Lulu was next, because she didn't trust Wakka under her. Wakka was next up and then Auron. Next came Tidus with a stupid drooling grin on his face because Yuna was next up. Then Rikku, Shea and myself on top. The pillar of people wobbled back and worth until I finally grabbed the very edge of the platform, with my arms stretched up as far as I could. For a moment everyone was silent.

"So... now what?" Wakka asked.

There was a long silence.

"Ummmm...... Now, Pretz!" Rikku yelled.

"Rightoh!" I replied.

I quickly flipped up onto the ledge, and pulled up Shea and Rikku. The rest of the blob fell over, and Tidus slid into a stalagmite... or is it stalactite? I always get those two mixed up. Gah! We casually walked away and out the door, but found a series of guards, and Tromell, blocking off the temple exit. Damnit! They always have to do things the hard way!

"Look, I'm sorry about your precious mascara boy dying, but can't you let us pass?" I begged.

"What? Oh, that. We're not mad about that at all. We can always clone him from his 10 million fingernail clippings lying around. We can sell that high definition plasma screen TV over there to fund it-" Tromell began to say.

Reason gave way to ADHD and I was soon chucking pebbles and other random things at a target I had drawn on the TV's screen.

"No! Please refrain from doing that!" Tromell yelled, and sounded way too much like that Harriman dude from Fosters.

It was much too late. The TV exploded in a fiery rage. It was then I saw Tromell's demeanor change from prestigious dude to Gollum. Yuna and the flock of chickens that follow her came out, saw the trouble, grabbed us by our necks and dragged us out of the temple in a sprint. They ran out of the temple, and kept on running, because Guado guards were running after them too. We eventually reached Lake Macalania. Merf. We had to fight this giant monkey/Bigfoot thing. Before it died, it pounded into the icy lake, causing it to crack - and break. Everybody fell through the cracks.

'_Praise be to Yevon' _That's what I would have said, if I was a follower of Yevon.We were all there, and in one piece. Even if I had a headache from wondering what was in store for us next.

When I came to I was wedged beneath a large pile of people. The bishi Tidus, the tubby Wakka, and the kitty man Kimahri. But where was Auron? Sitting on a rock right next to the pile, putting a cork in his jug.

"Um, a little help?" I asked coldly.

"No, you must figure this out on your own. Besides, it's more fun this way" He replied.

So after what seemed like an hour of trying, I finally squeezed our from under them. Shea, Lulu, and Rikku waddled up and the boys came to. We seemed to be amidst the ruins of an ancient city. The water only goes up to our ankles even though we were under the friggin lake. Ah! It's the city of the mole people! There were a lot of pyreflies. Everyone was there and in one piece, except for Yuna who's lying down. Rikku ran over to me.

"I'm sure Yunie's okay. She's breathing fine and all- Shea! Stop that! She doesn't have a nosebleed!"

Shea was holding the middle part of Yuna's nose like the camp counselors do to little kids. Stopping nosebleeds seems to be the only thing drama counselors are good for besides making you act like you cut your own foot off with an axe.

"How are Lulu and Wakka?" Rikku continued.

"Well, Wakka's in shock, and Lulu, well, she's just the same as always" 

"She's so together. All grown up, I guess"

"I guess"

"Well, just give me five or six more years" Rikku grinned.

I started backing away and backed into Kimahri.

"So, Kimahri, how do we get out of here?"

Rikku jumped at me like my friend Spiff sometimes did.

"Hey, don't change the subject!"

"We climb" Kimahri said calmly.

_CLIMBING?!_ He had never seen me on a high ropes course. I dominate!

"Kimahri, too!" Rikku squealed.

"Only those who try will become" Kimahri laughed at Rikku.

"Huh?"

"I think he means you have to work hard if you want to be like Lulu...... and have plastic surgery" I replied.

"Oh! I will! E-Except that last part... I won't do that"

"Kimahri think Rikku should stay Rikku"

"Hey! Are you saying I'll never be like Lulu? Kimahri!"

I started laughing but then Yevon boy ran up and spoiled my fun.

"How can you laugh at a time like this!?"

Then my fun surpassed spoiled. It decomposed in a putrid decay of moldy ooze that festered into a bitter disillusion venomously lethal contaminated blob of polluted deterioration of........................... BUNNIES: Yuna awoke.

"Yuna!" Everyone seemed to say at once.

After a long while of everyone swooning over Yuna, she finally spoke up.

"I wanted to confront Maester Seymour about his father, Lord Jyscal. I wanted to convince him to turn himself in to Yevon's judgment"

"Yuna, did you learn nothing from the Crucible?! Guilty people don't confess! They blame other! Ahh! Don't make me read the line again, Ms. Bennett!!!" I jumped up.

Everyone was silent for a long while. We all had spread out and were just doing our own things. Lulu and Wakka were talking, Kimahri was with Auron, Yuna and Tidus were Yevon knows where but I couldn't imagine them doing anything worse than Hannah and Kyle. I was sitting on a rock with a guitar, trying to come up with something and Rikku was lying around a few feet away. Something finally hit me and it wasn't Yuna. I started playing this tune that sounded like 'Broken'. Rikku sat up and watched me play for a brief moment. Then something _else_ hit me.

"Hey, bitches!" Shea screamed after she had jumped on my back.

Rikku suddenly realized what she was planning and asked before Shea could even say it.

"Let's go exploring! C'mon, Pretz!" Rikku yipped.

"Hmm, let me check me schedule. Hmm, 5:00- Think about how much I hate Yuna... 6:00- Wrestle with my self loathing... 6:30- Solve world hunger. Tell_ no one. _7:00- Dinner with myself. I can't cancel that again! 8-9:30- Stare into the emptiness. I'm fully booked. Can't" I sneered.

They started to do that famous puppy dog face on me. That's not fair! Pitting my brethren against me is a horrible thing to do!

"Well, I could drop solving world hunger and just go for take out. I'll see you later"

The time went by and sure enough they came by the tent and err... helped me out. We wandered around giant boulders, large chunks of ice, and many other strange things. We stopped to have some food when we all froze. Something was following us. Whipping out a chicken wing, a bottle of mustard, a plastic spork we all stood back to back. Wow, Charlie's Angels rip off. What leaped out of the rubble at us reminded me of those Dracula's minions from Van Helsing that seem like they'd be the mole people. They dragged up to their city, full of other mole people. Their king or whatever he was approached us.

"You have intruded on our borders! Now you must never be allowed to leave with our secret!" He barked.

"Um, what secret?" I asked seriously.

"Don't play koi! We have been harboring machina for centuries! Fugitives, Al Bhed, all who defy Yevon, your kind, come down here to be free from persecution"

"Um, if all who defy Yevon know about this, that must mean the Yevonites know where this place is too" Shea tried to point out.

"Lies! You speak craziness!" He screamed.

"Listen, Mr. Mole people king sir. We won't tell anyone about this place. We're all Al Bhed too" Rikku reasoned with him.

The possibly high king looked us all in the eye, and to our worst fears, he stopped at Shea.

"Wait!!! This one's not Al Bhed! She stays! You two girls can go. I must, erm, deal with this one"

We debated on and on to save Shea's probably-not-worth-it ass from the acid addicted king. Eventually we won and as we were walking out I felt I should reassure him of our promise.

"The summoner is about a mile east of here. And don't worry, your secret's safe with us-"

A large beast was somehow swimming in the nonexistent water, ramming what looked like a control tower. As the tower fell over and Sin began to destroy the city I punched Shea.

"Damnit. I _told_ you if we'd just waited 15 minutes you wouldn't _need_ saving. Stupid D.I.D"

Well we couldn't really stay there so we ran back to camp and acted as if noting had happened. Auron was speaking to the remaining losers.

"Our immediate concern is Yuna's pilgrimage. Are you willing to go on?"

"Yes. But then, do you think Yevon will allow it?" Yuna asked.

"The fayth are the ones that give power to the summoners. Not the temples or the teachings. If the temples try to stop us... then we will defy Yevon if we must" Auron um... well that's not very reassuring so never mind.

"Whoa!" Tidus jumped back.

"I can't believe you said that!", Rikku yipped running up to him, trying to put him in a headlock, but just reaching up, she stuck a badge on him, "You're now an honorary Al Bhed. Congratulations"

"That pin went inside me..." Auron said in his always monotone voice. 

"Sir Auron!?" Lulu gasped.

"Count me out!" Wakka began ranting. We _all_ know what that means.

"We have to atone, to make up for the sins we have committed"

"What sins? _You_ didn't do shit, Yevon boy"

"Of course..."

"Trying to rationalize yourself, eh? Well, it's too late for that you hardened criminal you!"

"It's not like I ever liked Maester Seymour, ya?"

"Congratulations, Wakka. The first step is admitting"

"No way I'll ever forgive him for killing Lord Jyscal"

"Riiight. That matters because?"

"And for trying to do us all in too, you know?"

"He's had a break through! He's realized the fault of a maester!"

"But still, the bunch of us going against Yevon?"

"Not that hard, Tubby"

"No way!" He whined.

"Why? Me, Rikku and Shea do it all the time" I ended.

"But still, we have transgressed and must face our punishment" Lulu added randomly.

"We must go to Bevelle. We must speak with Maester Mika and explain what has happened. There is no other way, I think. Sir Auron...?"

"So it is decided" 

"Will you come with us?"

"I am the troublemaker, after all"

"No, _I'M_ the troublemaker in this party. _You_ are just the old man nobody likes" I corrected him to myself.

"Yeah, that's right! You can always count on Auron to complicate things!" Tidus must have heard me.

Sweet! An anti-Auron cult!

"Yeah! Kimahri roars, and Auron runs off, and..." Rikku started.

"I never asked you to follow me" Auron defended himself.

"Hey, but that's what friends are for. Right?" Tidus laughed.

"Yep!" 

I had NO IDEA what they were talking about.

"Thank you" Yuna said to Tidus.

Auron walked away. See! He's running off! Rikku bounced around in the back ground.

"Man... How can you all act like nothing's wrong? Must got nerves of steel or something" Wakka whined again.

"You're too edgy. Listen to the hymn and calm down, psycho" Lulu ordered.

"Is that coming from the temple?" I asked.

"Yes, it is Yevon's gift. It soothes the hearts of the faithful" Yuna explained.

"Faithful, eh? So _that's_ why I find it annoyingly stuck in my head" 

Unfortunately Shea came back from whatever she was doing. Damn!- Err I mean hooray!

"Tifa used to sing this song..."

It baffled me how the Hell she even _knew_ Tifa unless she'd tracked down Jamie somehow and gone to his house.

"Yeah, over and over. But not this good, that's for sure"

"Another trait you share"

"What, you were listening?" 

I thought about back at Camp Ocoee (Mmm, flashback...) when I was sitting on the canoe dock, humming the Fayth Hymn. How did I even know it? Shea was standing behind me, but I didn't know it. 

"Eesh.. Can't I get a little privacy?" I laughed. 

"Your singing reminded me of Lassiter"

"Oh, right. You're not from Chattahoochee, are you? You schoolsick? And how the Heck does that remind you of Lassiter?"

"Hell no"

"Um, you still haven't answered my question"

(Mmm, end flashback)

"Say, how'd you get to Spira anyway?"

"I don't really know, you?"

_"That proves it" _I thought_,"Something we don't remember was the link between our world and Spira"_

"Um, Pretz? Hello? You alive? Ocoee there! Hellllooooo" Shea waved her hand in front of me.

All this was interrupted by Lulu freaking out."The singing stopped"

The ground started shaking violently.

"Thanks a lot, Lulu! They never would have known if you hadn't pointed it out!"

I yelled.

"There's something here!" Wakka looked around.

"The ground!" Auron barked.

"Thank you Captain Obvious, and his young ward, Yevon boy!" I said while falling over.

Sin was sitting motionless in the water. No idea how that worked seeings as we were under the ice where the water was.

"The toxin! Watch out!" Lulu ordered.

Everything suddenly went white. I couldn't see but I could hear Tidus monologing.

"The song... You were listening, too! What is it this time? Zanarkand...  
You homesick, too?"

"Shut up, Tidus"

"That's not your world anymore. You're Sin now. Hey, I'm older now, you know? I know. You want this to end. I'll find a way. Promise"

"Urge to destroy Spira rising…..."

Review damn you! Or I'll move from my computer and come make you. You don't want that! Ah! This is so friggin annoying! My dad won't let me get online till 9 pm now! You know what time they make me go to bed!? 9:30! I can't take much more of this. BUT, I'm going to stop whining now. PURPLE! XD Speaking of purple, Olivia will be coming back later on, and two others (guy and a girl). Whether those two will follow us, I don't know yet. I need an embarrassing way for them to come into the story though, except Olivia who I already have devious plans for. My friends aren't much help. If it's to pervy for a review, email it to me. Moo! Ok, I WAS planning to update before HALLOWEEN! Lol, but then I don't remember what happened but it was a good reason. Then I was grounded until I could clean my room. That took a while. Heh, that top note was made WAY before Halloween. I now have a dilemma as I'm working on 3 stories at once. One's a nightcrawler manga, one's this one and the other is I'm helping Jamie make his comic. BUT I figure I'll just work on only doing the manga at school when I can't type this. I am being dragged to Orlando this thanksgiving. My dad said if you take a long vacation in the car with your family it bonds you. There is a _huge _difference between being bonded with and being stuck with! I'm leaving tomorrow (Um, the 20th if I don't get this posted before that) and I'm forced to be with them a week. I wanna stay HERE! GAH! But every time we take a trip something so insanely stupid happens it's funny. (And whaddya know, I DIDN'T get it posted before I left)


	10. The Festival Of Mooching!

Well, since I missed being able to totally ruin the holiday of gorging I am going to screw up, for me, the next holiday: Christmas. Wow, I didn't even spell it right till I went in with spell check. That's sad.

Disclaimer: How could I own FFX when I only have $0.75 to my name?

Chapter 9 52/30: The Festival of Mooching!

When I awoke from whatever I was in and looked around. Not much to see but snow up my nose. After I finished judging the snowfall factor (How deep the snow would appear if you got drunk and fell face first in the snow) I stood up. All that was topside was a cabin. The light was on so I assumed there were people inside. As I walked up I could make out the figure of Auron. As I ran up I saw he was smoking. Like there's some other reason he's outside in a snowstorm with no jacket on. He looked at me like I was crazy for being outside.

"What?"

"Should you really be smoking? You're kinda old to be smo-"

He hit me. Such a mean old man he was_. "And on Christmas, too" _I thought to myself. Then I realized it really was around that time of year back home. I wondered to myself what Shea would be doing if she wasn't stuck here. What would Kristina and Jamie be doing? And was Daniel noticing I was gone when he came to visit? Why was I sitting out in a snowstorm in a bikini?

I realized how burning cold I was and bolted inside. Everyone was just sitting around.

"How long were you going to leave me lying in the snow anyway?"

"We thought that was Rikku" Yuna said all shifty eyed.

After a long time of talking and trying to eat Kimahri's food, Shea and I devised a scheme. It was a scheme. It was a schemey scheme. It was a schemey scheme that schemed schemey. If we couldn't get home to our world for Christmas, we could sue Square for being religiously discriminate against Christmas.

"Pretz, you fucktard" Shea laughed "We can't do that!"

"Fine! Then we'll be cliché and bring the Christmas here! Happy?"

"Yep"

"Stupid counselors. Always doing the right thing"

So we got to work gathering things we needed for a makeshift Christmas. There wasn't very much we _could_ get. We set out to get a tree, but the only ones findable were frozen solid.

"Well now what're we gonna do? That things frozen soli- AHH!" Shea began to ask.

A fireball hit the tree and it fell over. Standing shivering in the snowy wind we could only think one thing: Why had Lu followed us?

"Just great, Shea! Our tree got melted and now we're stuck out here! You shoulda made sure Lulu didn't follow us!"

"Shut up! How was I supposed to know she would follow us!?" She defended.

"Oh, you manage to score a job at Ocoee, but you can't even check on one stupid chick! She's kinda hard to miss! She's got knobs the size of watermelons!"

"It must be really hard knowing your fat head is bigger though!"

"Grr, E bie patookie! (That's not Al Bhed)" I yipped.

"Ah! Leave my mother out of this!"

"Why should I?!"

"At least she can open a medicine bottle!"

"That's it!" I screamed and dove at her.

Rolling around in the snow punching each other must have been the last straw for someone up there. Somewhere between Shea slammed my head into a snow buried rock and when I bit her I felt arms pulling me back. In seconds I could see Wakka had firm hold of Shea's arms, and Tidus refused to let go of mine. Standing next to Wakka was, bizarrely, Olivia. Wearing that black mage outfit she looked at me like she was worried. My vision was spinning from exhaustion and the cold. The last thing I heard was something blurry.

"We've gotta get them back fast"

When I woke up I was back at that cabin. There was a bare tree sitting in the corner and everyone randomly standing throughout the room. Rikku started jumping up and down, and Shea sat up. We both laughed.

"We haven't had a fight like that since we played Budokai"

As it turns out we started killing each other from exhaustion and something about that area makes people go crazy. Like that purple goop from Ghost Busters 2. After we'd eaten something Shea and I started to explain the whole Christmas thing to the Spirans. When it came time to decorate the tree they all put some ornaments on carefully like little kids do. Shea and I however had been doing this forever so we lied down on the floor and Olivia handed us stuff. Then we threw them at the tree and hoped they stayed. Special ornaments? You know the ones that come in boxes that are like, baby's first Christmas and stuff. We left those in the boxes and just threw them into the tree as is. Yuna got a little mad and started fixing the loose ornaments. All the presents under the tree mutilated from projectile orbs, cookies for 'Santa', just one thing left. The doohickey on top of the tree. Generally at my house the smallest person (Besides my mom) would get to put it on. It was becoming me again, but Rikku was a bit smaller than me. I handed her the star thingy. Wouldn't ya know it; she knocked the whole tree over.

Sitting back with cups of cocoa we watched the Spirans run around doing various things. Yuna was chasing Tidus with a mistletoe and, Auron was drunk on eggnog and had a lampshade on his head. Rikku was trying to create a Christmas toilet seat cover with a Reith. Kimahri was jumping up and down trying to hold it in while Rikku hogged the bathroom trying to be Martha Stewart. Wakka had leapt out of the way of Yuna and Tidus's rampage and gotten his faced wedged into Lulu's boobs. They were unsuccessfully trying to unstuck him, although I don't think Wakka was trying his hardest. Later in the evening Kimahri started starring at the tree with this spaced out deranged look on his face. It was far too late by the time I recognized the look. Kimahri suddenly, without any warning, jumped and dove on the tree. Shea, Olivia and I all slapped ourselves. In hitting myself I realized Olivia was there. Yes, I'm slow.

"Holy crap! Olivia's here!" I yipped.

"Pretz, you've had too much to drink. Gimme your keys" Olivia said calmly.

"I can't drive"

"Exactly, gimme"

"No, I mean I don't have my permit. Are you sure it's not just you who's drunk?"

"What are you talking about?" She said staggering a bit "Everyone sees those pink elephants! Right guys?"

After about 10 minutes of chasing her around we finally caught her and stuffed about 15 chaser pills down her throat. Somehow it made her sober, though I never recommend you try that. We figured it was about time to put some presents under the tree. We didn't really HAVE any presents, but we somehow came up with a butt load of presents, each giving something to everyone and KNOWING what they gave them (not like we do at my house). We all laughed and gathered around the fire. Now I didn't know any Christmas carols, so I made one up on the spot.

"Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,

The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler,

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,

I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy,

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,

The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives,

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,

So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'

I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin

He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws

And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause."

I said, "Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause,

And you ain't takin me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."

I said, "That might've been me, just what's he look like?

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly

That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly

He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."

I said, "That sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,

"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red

I'm here for the truth now; it's time to come clean,

Tell me what you done, and tell me what you seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell

It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,

I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from works she was white as a ghost

I thought maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head

And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red,

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter,

A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.

Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun,

When outta Red's chimney this feller did run

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'

I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'

So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air."

But he went about his business like he hadn't a care

So I popped off a warning shot over his head,

Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled,

And as he flew off I heard him extort,

"That's assault with intent Roy; I'll see you in court."

We all laughed, and then Shea got a genius, or insane idea. It's amazing how often those to traits go along side. Since her, Olivia and I were all from the south, we tried our own version to that annoying 12 Days of Christmas song about that spoiled chick. Then Shea punched me and pointed out it took way to long. So I started from 12!

"12 packs of bud

11 reslen tickets

10 a copinhagin

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of red men

6 packs of spam

5 flanle sherts!

4 big mut tires

3 shot gun shells

2 huntin dogs

And some parts to a Mustang GT!"

The next morning Shea and I got up early and patrolled the tree with shotguns. People stared to trickle down the stairs and we couldn't help but wonder how they found a friggin cabin in the middle of nowhere. After a few hours and 5 warning shots, everyone but Yuna was up and about. I went upstairs to see what the Hell she was doing. As I walked in the room she was still in the bed. I poked her.

"C'mon, Yuna. Wakey Wakey. Rise and dull. You're way past the beauty sleep thing"

She rolled over and swatted at me.

"Five more minutes, Dad" She muttered.

I sweat dropped a bit then punched myself. I when outside, gathered up a big handful of snow, then went back into her room. Silly Yuna had accidentally left a chair wedged up under the door knob. I cleared the doorway for her out of the goodness of my heart. As I walked up to her bed I dropped the snow on her. She bolted upright and screamed. Down in the kitchen everyone stopped for a second, stared at the ceiling where Yuna's room was, then went back to their business. Yuna grabbed hold on my neck and squeezed it very tightly.

"PRETZ! LEAVE ME ALONE! I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP!" She screamed and threw me at the wall.

"Well…..."

Everyone jumped as I bolted down the stairs and dove into the tree. Yuna appeared at the bottom of the stairs floating with lightning bolts coming from her. After we had calmed her down and Shea dug me out of the tree (I was caught between a light bulb and a popcorn chain) we all settled down to open the gifts. Everyone opened their gifts happily. As Lulu and Rikku opened theirs I blinked. Lulu was holding a packet of crack and Rikku had a stuffed cow. I leaned forward and stitched the two, laughing a bit. It had been a good Christmas. I had gotten away from my crazy guy friends. I had gotten to spend time with Shea outside of camp, and I got to hide in a Christmas tree. I did start to miss Kristina and Spiff, though. I actually _wanted_ a hug and they weren't there to annoyingly glomp me. I smacked myself in the head. _'You'll see them again. Don't say things like that'._

REVIEW! Well, I've been writing for one year now! Sweet! I should throw a party. Well, my parents are sadly sending me to Alpharetta High next semester T.T. I've already cried, so no point in saying I'm gonna. And right when I was gonna have friends in my classes too! :cries: Well, on an odder note one of my friends set me on fire. My friend had cement glue, he was being an idiot, put it on his hand and then light it on fire. Cool, wow, and all that shit, but, someone comes to him. "Hey, put it on the back board!" this was in gym and the bleachers were out, so, we could reach the side basketball goals. Well, he put a small dab on it and lit it, then the guy was like, put more.

The idiot put more and caught the whole container on fire, and my leg...e.e;

Well, he kicked the bottle and tried to stomp it out, after like 50 thousand stomps it went out and he ran like a damn hill billy. It was funny. Would anyone like to help me with my dilemma? I actually got this posted when I meant to! OMG! Well,

Merry X-mas

Happy Chanukah

Mali Kalikimaka

Happy Happy

Happy Yevon Day

...Or whatever you celebrate this time of year, have a good one.....Ya know it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to spell Chanukah........


	11. Old Homes Have Crappy Food

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even my mental stability.

Ah… Soo hungry. It's 2:44 AM. What am I doing? I'm cursing at my brother for messing up the Budokai 3 disk so that I can't fight Omega Shenron (I really should return that. I'm gonna have a 30 late fine ) And I'm playing the addicting games on Neopets. Yes, I have started playing that again. Deal with it. If any of you are having a mental breakdown and playing Neopets too, I'm Pretz480. And I'm _very_ poor. I didn't USED to be that way though, no. And I did not paint my pet purple. I adopted him like that. He's lucky cause I found him at level 4 ;p. BACK ON TOPIC! Repori, I will put you in when I can fit random people popping in. Brief warning: I was a little messed up when I wrote this so they say the F word slightly more than normal.

Chapter 10: Old Homes Have Crappy Food

-

It seems whenever things are just going well for me, something goes wrong.

When I woke up Tidus was the only one around. I was in a desert with a very large puddle. I slowly stood up and walked over to him. After kicking him a few times he started talking in his sleep.

"Ahhh… 5 more minutes, mommy… can I have pancakes for breakfast?... Daddy's drunk again… Mommy, what is sex?... Where do babies come from?... I don't wanna go to school today… I think my groin is broken, I can't go…"

"This isn't working"

Realizing it wasn't going to work and there was _no_ chance I was going to give him CPR I grabbed his foot and dragged him over to the oasis. Leaving him halfway in the water was the best thing I'd ever done. He started sleep talking again.

"Mommy, I think I wet the beddy by… Daddy poured his beer on me…"

After a while of this Auron and Lulu walked up, and Lu was _pissed_.

"Pretz, you were supposed to aimlessly wander out into the desert and run into us! I'm wearing long, black leather! Do you know how hot black leather is in a friggin- Hey, is he sleep talking?"

"Yep"

"Sweet!" Lulu smiled as she pulled 3 ears of corn out of her boobs.

She quickly cast fira on then and handed them to us. Cool! Popcorn on the cob! As much as I didn't like the idea of touching anything that had been near her boobs, the fact she was denying physics was just too tempting.

As we watched Tidus be a complete moron, eating our psycho popcorn, various people began to show up. Pretty much everyone had shown up, although I felt like I was forgetting someone. (At this point you've probably pictured Olivia in the woods. Olivia: 'S anybody else cold? Just me?).

Around that time Tidus woke up.

"Chickens and ducks!"

He crawled out of the puddle and stood up, brushing some sand off himself.

"Why's everyone looking at me weird?"

We all snickered and turned to Rikku because we felt like staring at a crack head.

"Umm... There's something I wanna tell you, but promise not to say anything" Rikku started as Shea whined something about her black hair being freakishly hot, "I know where we are but you can't tell anyone about it" She finished glaring at Wakka.

Wakka arched his shoulders and remembered he hated Rikku and myself.

"What! I'll never keep a secret for you Al Bhed! You're…... stinky... COOTIEHEADS!"

I was about to scream back when I felt a tugging on my sleeve. It was Shea, with a nalgene of water and a crazed look on her face.

"Tnehg fydan, Pretz. Oui tuh'd fyhd du kad tarotnydet (Drink water, Pretz, you don't want to get dehydrated)" She babbled quietly.

Counselors were always obsessive about campers getting dehydrated and stuff. I shook her off.

"Shea, I'm not thirsty right now"

"Oui need to drink!" She yelled.

"I'm not thirsty, Shea!"

"Drink your damn water!"

By this point I was hiding behind Kimahri. Rikku sighed, clearly not getting anywhere with Wakka's stubbornness. So for some strange reason we stared following her into the desert. Under the desert sun oui begin to wonder many things. Like how did Lulu defy the laws of physics by making popcorn-on-the-cob from some corn stuck between her boobs. Does being wedged in Lu's boobs give things powers? Does that mean Wakka's, like, super special?

"MAKE ME SPECIAL!" I yelled and lunged at Lulu.

I tried telling Lulu it was desert fever but she wouldn't believe me.

"We've only been out here for 5 minutes. Pretz"

Needless to say everyone thought I was insane after that, except for Wakka who thought I had come to know the 'joy' of it. We continued wandering aimlessly- I mean following Rikku who claimed to know where she was going for what seemed like forever. Even thought Yuna wasn't there to rattle

"Rikku! I think we're lost! We're going in circles!"

"I am not lost!" She snapped.

"Then why are we walking in a circular trench that's 5 feet deep?" Tidus asked.

"Besides, I've got a map"

"No we don't" I added.

"It's up here", she said tapping her temple, " Where it counts"

"We're doomed..." Lulu muttered.

Shea, thinking she was still being _paid_ for acting responsible, cut in.

"I'll tell you what we're _not_ gonna do. We're not going to panic"

"We're dead! We're dead! We might survive, but we're dead!" I cried.

"We're gonna be ok... It's gonna be... Oh, man! We're gonna die!" Shea snapped.

"The car, man! Where's the car!"

"Oh, spit, man!"

"HEY!" Lu screamed, "There never was a car! You _fucktards_ quiet down! You're scaring the cactus!"

We shrugged and carried onward ho! Hehe, ho. After a while Wakka became smart and asked his first intelligent question in a long time.

"Where are we goin' anyway, eh?"

"Eh?" Rikku asked.

"I said YA! You heard nothing!"

"Ooookay... anyways. We're going to Home..." Rikku said with a weird look on her face.

For some strange reason Auron started to flip out like... oh, never mind. Point is he started flippin out.

"Home?... Home?... HOME! NO! I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOME!"

"What?"

"I'm not going to the Home! I ain't old!"

We couldn't get him to calm down, so Kimahri grabbed his arms and I took his legs and we just carried him along with Auron kicking and screaming. About 10 minutes later one of Auron's feet slipped loose and kicked me square in the face. I fell backwards and put my hands over my nose. As I stood back up my lip was bleeding a little bit and my nose was bleeding a lot. I tilted my head forwards and held my nose. As I looked around Wakka and Kimahri were wrestling Auron so he couldn't run away, Lulu was fanning herself, and Rikku was pretending to know where the fuck she was going by counting sand dunes. Tidus was lying on the ground trying to make himself even more tan_. 'Wait... That doesn't seem like everyone'_ I thought. Someone grabbed my headband and yanked my head back. Then, kinda upside down, I saw Shea's psychotic face. Damn, I thought we'd lost her. Just kidding.

"Your nose is bleeding! Tilt your head back!" She yelled.

Ah, counselors. Obsessed with stopping nosebleeds. After about a minute of almost drowning in my own blood cause I couldn't swallow it fast enough as it flooded my throat, I kicked her and tilted my head forward. It had just stopped bleeding when we decided to take a break and play a game. And since we couldn't think of anything better, we decided to play 'Honey If You Love Me'. Shea and I explained the rules the best we could. If you don't know, the person who's it has to make someone else laugh and/or smile while saying 'honey if you love me wont you please, please smile?'. The other person has to say 'honey I love you but I just cant smile' without smiling or laughing. So yeah, you get the idea. Rikku was first cause she was so busy looking at the mucus viscosity of the sand or whatever to say no it. She chuckled crazily and waltzed over to Tidus.

"Honey... If you love me, won't you please, please smile?"

Tidus did nothing.

"Honey, I love you but-"

"Look! Fan girls!" Rikku shrieked.

Tidus turned around with a grin.

"Ladies! I- Wait... ah, shit..."

He was smiling, so he was it. He looked around and waddled up to Shea. He whipped out his foil-sun reflector thing and held it up to make him self even more tan.

"Honey, sugar muffin, if you love m- AHHHH!"

The sun had burned his eyes and they were now black and bubbly.

"Ah! They've booby trapped their sun somehow!"

Shea laughed and stood up.

"Amateurs..."

I was sitting on a piece of scrap metal that kinda made bleachers. Shea started crawling across the ground on her feet and hands, her stomach practically on the ground. She crawled up the bleachers. A note to you people, Shea plays dirty -.- She was practically climbing on me. I burst out laughing. Now, if you don't know how normal people laugh, air is often repelled out of the nose rapidly. It sprayed blood all over Shea's shirt and, a little on her face. She fell back laughing, and I had quite a bit of blood on me too.

While we were waiting for the skin on Tidu's eyeballs to grow back, I decided to take a quick head count. Call it incoming counselor habits. Ok, there was Tidus the blinded fool, Lulu the mutant creating fool, Rikku the lost fool, Shea the bloody fool, Wakka the Lulu loving fool, Kimahri the giant kitty fool, and Auron the... fool_. 'Wait'_ I thought, _'We're one babbling fool short'_. Then I realized we were missing Yuna, so it was all good. But I decided to have some fun anyways.

"Hey, Shea"

"Hmm?"

"Code Adam"

"AH! CODE ADAM! MISSING CAMPER!" She ran up to Rikku, shaking her, "_WE HAVE A MISSING CAMPER!_ WHAT IF IT WAS BATMAN? LINE UP! ROLE CALL! OK, PRETZ, LULU, TIDUS... No! To your left Tidus! WAKKA, AURON KIMAHRI, RIKKU! We're missing Yuna! BATMAN _ATE_ YUNA! Or maybe it's a missing camper drill! DAMN YOU, BRANDON UPCHURCH! DAMN YOU I SAY!"

I fell over trying to contain my laughter, and keep my nose from bleeding again. Then Wakka joined the festivities of panic. Rikku calmed them down and convinced then she'd be at Home. But Auron thought otherwise.

"HOME! NO! I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOME! " He screamed as Kimahri slung him over his shoulder, "I AIN'T OLD! I THINK I'LL GO TAKE A WALK NOW! I feel happy! I feel happy!"

This went on for about 10 more minutes until Rikku finally snapped.

"AURON! SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE OLD HOME! WE'RE GOING TO THE AL BHED HOME! NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I SHOVE A CACTUS UP YOUR BUTT!"

"Ohhh... AHH!"

Rikku screamed and fell over backwards. Then Wakka _finally_ noticed what Rikku had said. The moron.

"AL BHED HOME! You never said that!"

"Holy shit! Yes I did! Now shut up!"

"No! You never told me! And I-"

Holding a megaphone next to Wakka's ear I yelled.

"HEY!"

Shea laughed and yelled back again.

"Ho! Camp Ocoee's got soul! Huh!"

I turned around with yet another deranged look. I was bothered by that phrase... a lot. Rikku then proceeded to steal the megaphone.

"Look! Yuna is probably at H-... the place we're going!"

We let Auron free and started again.

"Just don't say anything about the H-O-M-E" Rikku said quietly.

Ok, apparently Auron can't spell.

"Hmm, hom?... Hoom... hum... gum... sum... some... gun... hun... hom... home... home? HOME? HOME! NO! I AIN'T GOIN' TO THE HOME! NOT THE HOME!"

The wind was picking up and this was driving me crazy. I grabbed Auron's jug and smacked him with it. Everyone was thankful, except Auron because he had a concussion. We started walking... AGAIN!

"I eat food" Lulu said.

"What... the fuck..." Shea muttered.

"I haven't said anything in a while"

"God, you are such a f-"

"Ah!" Rikku screamed.

We had finally made it to the Home. Except it was on fire and everything was all over the place. Sounds like my room. Rikku ran down in a panic, and I knocked over Kimahri and used him as a sand board. Bombs were flying. People were dying. Children were crying (Well, not really since there were no children), politicians were lying too. Explody thing were killing, someone's gut were probably spilling. Home had gone to hell but...

"How are you?" I asked a random dead guy.

As Rikku ran around freaking out I was having a little party of my own. After having to listen to that annoying announcement over and over, I was scaling the wall with a chainsaw in one arm. It's very hard to climbs bricks with little grooves when you are carrying a chainsaw. As the thing continued 'It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh?' I reached the speaker. I started to chainsaw and clanged at it. It wouldn't die! I tried swinging from it, jumping on it, and unscrewing it! Ah!

"Yes it's annoying! Shut up!"

"Welcome to Kuut burger, home of the kuut burger. Can I take your order?"

'_Holy shit'_ I thought while sitting on it. But the fact I had not eaten in 4 days could not be helped.

"Yeah, um, I'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries. Oh, and an apple pie"

"Doesn't that seem like a bit much?"

"What?"

"Well, don't you know how much fat is in that? Wouldn't you rather have an Atkins approved item?"

"Ya know, I'm sick and tired of people sticking that Atkins crap in my fat filled menu!"

"Are you aware of the health ramifications of what you are ordering?"

"How bout I tell you about the health ramifications of me stabbing you in the throat!"

"But by eating that burger you-"

"I'm gonna come back there and put my foot up your ass if you say that again!"

Silence.

"But ya know if you eat this burger you're seven times as likely to-"

"Ah! Gah! You (incoherent babble) Ah fucker! AHH! DIE!" I screamed while knowing at it.

"Pretz! Get your ass down here! We're leaving!" Shea yelled.

"Fug off!"

"God I hate you... Gravira! What? Why didn't it work?"

"Ha! Your retard! Everyone knows it's Demi, not Gravira!"

"Ahhh!"

As the gravity pushed me down it broke off the megaphone. Landing on Shea I stood up and laughed.

Dashing into the burning crumbling building sounds like something only I would do, I know. Running down the corridor I would randomly open doors expecting to find something cool.

"Rikku, where are we going?"

"The summoner's bay"

"Um... I knew Yuna was fat, but I didn't know she needed a harbor"

"Not literally, you idiot"

As we were running along we passed as crazy bald guy hauling up what seemed like 150 pounds of explosives toward the surface. I screeched to a halt.

"Ahh... there _is_ a god..."

"Let's go, Pretz!"

Now, it is very hard for me to notice anything at all. I finally looked forward only to meet a very large steel door.

"Alright. We're here. The summoner's bay" Rikku announced.

"Wow, I knew Yuna was fat, but I didn't think she needed a _harbor_"

"Shut up, Pretz"

"Well _fine_! I see when I'm not wanted! I'm just not going to talk to any of you from now on!"

They all shrugged and opened the door. Within the summoners cove or what ever were... MONKEYS! No, I'm just kidding. There were summoners, although as far as I'm concerned they might as well be monkeys. Monkeys with machetes.

"So YOU kidnapped them!" Wakka squealed. I get why you did it, but..." "Well, I sure don't get it, Wakka. They might get hurt on their pilgrimage so you kidnap them" Tidus babbled on, "I mean, if the summoners don't do their job, then who will beat Sin? You want to protect them, I know. But guardians are there for that. If guardians do their job well, summoners will be safe! Right" 

Silence.

"Right" 

"It's quiet. Kimahri goes now" Kimahri made his fist full sentence.

Kimahri walked down the steps to the Summoners' Sanctum. The others followed in slow motion; not a single word is uttered. Only Me, Tidus and Rikku stayed behind. Cool! A new pack of morons or whatever. We stared at each other for the longest time. Rikku blinked slowly and Tidus leapt into the air and pointed at her.

"Ha! You blinked!"

"God, you are so retarded" I yelled and walked after the others.

The inside was big and on fire and there were quite a few dead bodies.

"Yuna" Kimahri yelled looking around.

All was silent for a moment, but hey, remember slutty chick? "She's not here. Hello again. Wait there until we have performed the sending"

"Sending! No! I hate that dance!... Wait... Is _Yuna_ dead? Because by all means- Ow!"

"They died...protecting us" Isaaru started, whoever he is, "It's not much, but the least we can do is give them a proper sending"

"Ah, so it's just the freakin gardians. Damn- Ow!"

"Pretz, sometimes I wonder..." Lulu sighed.

This little kid who's name I think was Pacce ran up. "Hey, what's 'sacrificed'? The Al Bhed said summoners were being sacrificed. That summoners shouldn't have to do a pilgrimage..."

"Well, little Timmy" I started.

"My name's _Pacce_"

"Of course it is, Timmy. Well, a sacrifice is when someone is killed for what seems like a good reason but it really isn't and they just die a painful, pointless death for no reason, Timmy. Wait... Did you say _summoners_ were being sacrificed? PACK YOUR BAGS EVERYONE! WERE FINDING YUNIE AND GOING TO ZANARKAND!"

"Shut up, Pretz. Why couldn't they trust guardians to protect summoners...? The Al Bhed had no right stopping their pilgrimage" Tidus asked.

"The pilgrimages have to stop! If they don't, and they get to Zanaraknd... They might defeat Sin. Yunie could...but then she..." Rikku said, almost in tears"Yunie will die, you know"

Aaaaand cue the sad music. And my monologue screw up.

"You know, don't you? Summoners journey to get the Final Aeon"

"Yeah, It's all I hear from you people"

"Yuna told you, didn't she"

"She's evil? I know"

"With the Final Aeon, she can beat Sin...but then..."

"What? Sheep?"

"If she calls it, then the Final Aeon's gonna kill her"

"Well, that's a bit counterproductive, isn't it?"

"Even if she defeats Sin, it will kill Yunie too, you know"

"Wait... Wha- No!"

-

Well, I meant to get this out a loooong time ago. I know have someone here to help me host these author's notes. Please welcome Yuna.

Yuna: These aren't notes, they're excuses.

Shut up. Here's why I couldn't: I got to stay at Chattahoochee High (Wither that's good or bad I don't know) but in the words of Chandler "Victory comes at a price". I had to pretty much sell my soul. I can only get on the computer now on the weekends and that's only if I don't miss anything.

Yuna: Ha!

Well, on a funnier note I just came back from the dentist and they had to stick me 4 times with Novocain because I'm immune to it or something so I can't feel the entire left side of my face and am drooling.

Yuna: Ok, stop that.

Why the Hell should I?

Yuna: Or I'll tell everyone that-

Shhh, they don't find that out till Zanarkand. I recently realized my spell check misspells things -.- Go figure. And if I get bored enough I will be editing the beginning chapters to make them suck less. Well, I've been asked by the people at my church to spike my hair pink for Sunday. So, that's cool. I had a mental breakdown yesterday and cannot remember what I did through 5th and 6th period. Although Spiff helped me regain sanity this morning. Hugs to her. And my mother wants to send me to a psychiatrist or something cause she thinks there's something wrong with me. Well, happy belated Chinese New Year (Which I actually got to celebrate for once). And the late fee was only 23.13.


	12. Lapdances Are Good For You

Disclaimer: I don't own FFX or anything else for that matter.

Well, this has been an interesting few days. I helped tape a Gravitation manga to Lance's face. Well, I hate to say it but Daniel won his bet, so I just lost 20. Can't tell you what the bet was because that would be bad. Lol. I was so out of it other day I started listening to the All American Rejects. I don't think I will do a valentines chapter because I despise Valentines Day with all that I am. I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is Daniel's coming back to GA to live here again sometime during the summer (Hope it's not while I'm at camp), the good news is I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. Hehe, I'm just kidding. I can't drive. So I guess the two should be switched, eh? Ok, I have not slept in 2 1/2 days. Let's see what I can do!

Chapter 11: Lap dances are good for you (Yes, it is a random title and it also has nothing to do with the chapter)

"Was I the only one who didn't know?" Tidus yelled.

I admit, I wanted Yuna to be hurt or scarred for life of whatever, but not for her to _die_.

"Tell me why! Why were you hiding it? Why didn't I know?" He continued.

"We weren't hiding it..." Wakka slurred. 

"It was just...too hard to say" Lulu sighed. 

Tidus ran up to me and shook me.

"You can't tell me you agree with them?"

"Well, since I didn't know, I don't really have an opinion do I?" I said dryly.

Auron and Kimahri were silent and motionless. Tidus shrieked, which was really funny, then fell to his knees. Gasp! He wants to marry the dead person!

"Lulu! How could you? How could you? Isn't she like a sister to you?"

"Have you never heard of sibling rivalry?" I laughed.

"I thought you were family! Why don't you do something, Wakka?" 

"Don't you think we tried to stop her? She follows...her heart" Lulu explained.

"Yuna, she knew what she was doing when she chose to become a summoner. To face Sin, ya? Yuna knew!" Wakka snapped."And I've been telling Yuna Let's go to Zanaraknd together! I told her all the things...we could...we could... But Yuna, she'd... just smile" Tidus dried. 

Then a large white thing came tumbling down and crushed me. AH! A FLASHBACK!

"Hey, watch!" Yuna said.

She whistled. Mmm, cat calls.

"Hey, you got pretty good" Tidus laughed.

"You sound sad"

"Yeah, maybe"

"Wanna scream?" Yuna yipped with a crazy look on her face, "Or beat on Pretz? It's very stress relieving"

"I really don't think that's gonna help this time"

"You know what? It's embarrassing to say this myself... But summoners and their guardians are kind of like Spira's ray of light. A lot of people in Spira depend on us. I learned to practice smiling when I'm feeling sad, you know? I know it's hard" 

"No, that's not hard. That's called denial"

"Right, now let's see what you can do"

They both laughed and picked up buckets of paint. So THAT'S why I was blue.

"I want my journey to be full of laughter" Yunie smiled.

The gigantic white flashback flew up where it came from and I stood up all bruised and band aide-y.

"I can't let her die! I'll find her!" Tidus yelled.

"Well, maybe she wont die. Let's just leave her be. I'm sure she'll be just fine without us" I mumbled.

Everybody glared at me and ran out of the room, and up a flight or stairs. The next thing I knew I was inside a large vehicle with that crazy bald guy running it!

"Hu desa! Ku, ku, ku!" ("No time! Go, go, go!") He yelled. 

"Draa sehida mavd!" ("Three minute left!") That previously mentioned Mohawk guy yelled.

"Rinno, rinno! Oui ryja uha sehida!" ("Hurry, hurry! You have one minute!") The bald man yelled.

Tidus ran up to him.

"Where's Yuna?"

"Ajanouha uh puynt?" ("Everyone on board?") "Ajanouha ymeja!" ("Everyone alive!")

Tidus bolted up to him, grabbed him and spun him around.

"I said where is she? Answer me! Answer me, damn you! Pin the tail on the donkey!"

The whole group stared at him.

"What'll you do when you find her, eh?" "I didn't know anything about what a summoner is supposed to do"

"Yes you did" I muttered.

"And I told her all those things without even knowing. I've got to tell her. I've got to tell her I'm sorry!"

"That's it? You're gonna tell her you're sorry? And then you just drag her to Zanarkand and make her fight Sin, huh? You're all the samelet the summoner die so we can live in peace!"

He grabbed Tidus and Judo flipped him to the floor.

"No! I'm not gonna let Yuna die!"

"Damnit!"

"Hah! Words! Show me action!" "I'm telling you, she won't die!" "Boy, don't forget those words, 'cause if you do... I'm gonna make you regret it."

"Oh sweet! I'll get the hot glue gun!"

"I won't"

Cid looked into the giant nightlight in the middle of the bridge. I walked over to him.

"So you know where she is?"

"'Course not. That's why we're gonna look, dipstick! Using this airship!"

"A-Airship?" Wakka squealed

The ship made a big shake and, scarily enough, Brother was piloting it. Who the Hell names their kid Brother?

"Vydran! Nayto du ku!" ("Father! Ready to go!") "Oaaryy! Y vmekrd 1000 oaync ujantia!" ("Yeehaa! A flight 1000 years overdue!")

Oh, no. As if having to **save** Yuna wasn't bad enough, now we've got redneck Al Bhed. A section of the ground beside home opened up and sand started pouring in it as the airship lifted out of the ground.

"Fruy! Ed sujac!" ("Whoa! It moves!") Brother yelled.

"Necg pek, feh pek!" ("Risk big, win big!")

"OHMYGODWEREFLYING!" I yelled.

The airship lifted off fully, as fiends flew towards it. It turned really sharply, making everyone fall over and flew away.

"Ah. What the Hell was that for!" Shea yelled.

"Fruy! Ed vmeac!" ("Whoa! It flies!") Brother said again.

"You just said that retard"

"Haqd, fa ica dryd!" ("Next, we use that!") Cid grinned crazily, pointing to a series of buttons marked 'Explosion', 'Nuke', and 'Holy Shit'.

"Frydajan oui cyo" ("Whatever you say")

He began singing the Hymn of the Fayth and Cid joined in with all the other Al Bhed. Rikku looked sad.

"What's goin' on?" Wakka asked.

"We're...we're going to blow up our Home"

Auron cheered untill Kimahri threatened to throw him out the window. 

"How?" Lulu asked.

"With one of the forbidden machina!" Cid beamed, "Nayto? Vena!"("Ready? Fire!")

"MACHINA! What the Hell are we doing on a machina shi-"

"SHUT UP, WAKKA!"

Brother shook his head, "E lyh'd" ("I can't")

"Oh, Hell no!" I yelled, jumped on Brother's shoulders, and slammed his head face down onto the 'Holy Shit' button.

A barrage of missiles shot out of the airship and blew Home to little pieces.

"Gah-hah-hah-hah! Nadinh du cyht!" (Maniacal laughing (Yes it requires translation) "Return to sand!") Cid cackled.

Brother was crying, partly because his Home was destroyed, and partly because I just smashed his head into the dashboard of the airship.

"Hu haat vun daync! Fryd ec kuut ypuid machina, ec drao lyh pa piemd yhaf, oui caa?" ("No need for tears! What is good about machina, is they can be built anew, you see?") Cid comforted him.

Wakka was talking to Rikku, and doing a pretty sucky job of it.

"Hey, look. Don't get so down. Boom! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?" 

I was truly shocked to know Wakka could be that stupid.

"You can cram your happy festival, you big meanie!"

Tidus must have caught my ADHD because he became fairly impatient. We waltzed over to Cid. And by waltzed I really mean it. She was in the corner having a fit because the Code Adam had not yet been solved.

"Did you find out anything about Yuna?" Tidus whined.

"I'm lookin' into it, okay?"

"But- but- but! I wanna- AH! YOU SUCK AT THIS! LEMME SEE IT!"

Cid and Tidus clawed at each other over the map sphere, which was odd to me cause guys don't normally like maps. Neither do I but that's when I was in Colorado and driving around in the middle of nowhere for hours was fun, mainly because it was the only time I ever got to listen to _my_ music in the car. I simply coughed and walked away. Outside was Donna sitting on the floor. Ah, wait! I meant slutty chick!

"Look, I'm really tired. Leave me. If it's not an emergency, would you mind leaving?"

"I... uh... broke my brain!"

"I knew that. Wait... There's something I want to ask you. What would you think if I said I...I was giving up my pilgrimage?"

"Sounds good to me"

"Unusual. Most people would never forgive a summoner who quit"

"Why's that?" "Behind my back, they would say I was abandoning my duty"

"So, who cares? "Why not do your own thing and let them say what they want! That's what I do!"

Then Shea butted her head in.

"Pretz, I seem to remember a conversation on AIM about you worrying about people finding out that- GAH!"

I dive tackled her to the ground.

"Ah, I see you haven't come to terms with that. I'll go now" She said with an awkward grin and left.

"Easy for you to say. But...you do have a point. Maybe Barthello and I should go someplace far away"

"Uh, or oui could fine someone _other_ than him. Someone a little... smarter?"

They had found Yuna. Why did they have to find Yuna?

"The Palace of St. Bevelle. Heart of Yevon" Lulu said.

"Gramps, let's move!" Tidus yelled.

"Easy, kiddo. Bevelle's defenses are top-notch" Cid cautioned him.

I rolled my eyes "Yeah, I'm _sure_ they see machina airships _every_ flippin day. You gotta stop thinkin safe pilot and start thinking Playstation! Blow some shit up!"

"But... Yuna's there"

"And... Your point is...?"

"No! I have to at least solve my freakin Code Adam!" Shea squealed.

So they tied me up with some spare duct tape and flew off to save Yunie.

Wow. That took FOREVER! HOWEVAH! I actually have a legitimate excuse this time (for once).

Yuna: Gasp…...

Shut up. Ok, see you all know I can't get on the computer during the week and I was having some mental breakdowns, but I was doing something productive. No, I wasn't learning to drive. I was animating! That's right I got Flash (for the time being) and was working on an animated piece of my story! And since Dan and I are both retarded and couldn't figure out the "easy" way to do it (Motion tweening) we have to do it frame by frame. So it'll be on Flashplayer sooner or later. But if anyone understands motion tweening... TEACH ME! AND I HAVE BEATEN MY LATE FINE RECORD! 35.00!


	13. The One With The Love Song

Well, I've finally finished my animation... more or less. I had to cut it short however because I ran out of time, and because my crappy microphone died. Some of the places required subtitles cause you can't even hear it. The animation is like a prequel to this story. Despite sound problems it's fairly funny. Why did this take so long? The chapter, I mean. Well, a breakup. I say no more. But it gave me writers block. Badly!

Chapter 12: The One With The Love Song

-

"What's Seymour doing alive? Didn't we take care of him in Macalania?" Rikku whined.

"Yeah. We clearly killed him. Killed him _dead_" Shea added.

"He is dead. As dead as Jyscal was. His attachment to this world kept him from the next" Auron explained.

"Hmm, someone has attachment issues..." Shea laughed.

"Yuna must be trying to send him"

"Wonder if that will work" Rikku thought out loud.

Then Wakka decided to join in our little idiot's brigade. Or should I say theirs. I was still duct taped up in the corner.

"I'm glad Yuna's okay and all, but what's with those fancy clothes?" 

"It's called a wedding dress" Lulu explained.

"What?"

The tape over my mouth had finally become moist enough to push off.

"Wakka! Even I'm not that stupid! Can't you see it's overly white and fluffy and expensive to only be worn once!"

Everyone stared at me. This was a regular occurrence now. Tidus tried to leave the bridge when the airship rocked back and forth. Some strange noises were... uh... being hearable? Rin walked into the bridge. 

"We're being attacked from within. Some of the Guado that attacked Home must have snuck on board" He said.

"You're awfully calm about it!" Cid barked.

"I am calm about most things. After all, I do talk in this monotonous, British sounding voice at all times. You could- You with the multi colored hair!"

"What?" I muttered.

"I want you to kick me to demonstrate how my voice tone never changes. Go ahead and kick as hard as you can" Rin finished.

I beamed with excitement. Guys don't normally want, much less ask, to be kicked cause they're scared you might hit them in... places. I strolled up to Rin really looking forward to this because I highly enjoy hurting guys. In kind of a running kick thing into his groin. He fell to the ground holding himself and when he opened his mouth to speak his voice was high pitched and whiney.

"Ah! Why would you do that? That was sick! Hold on a second and let me find me balls for Yevon's sake!" 

Cid, however, had failed to notice this.

"Fiends! There's nothin' to do but--"

Rikku jumped in front of him and mocked his rednecky voice.

"But destroy the ship and all go down together! You gotta learn a little restraint, Pops. If you crash the ship, we can't go rescue Yunie!"

OO "Blow it up! Burn it! Burn it all!"

"Leave the fiends to us professionals!"

"Yeah! Let's go!" Tidus yipped.

Rin kicked back in for but a moment with his squeaky voice before Brother dragged him off to a closet somewhere.

"Rikku, you've made some very good friends, I think" He started "Good luck. Hey, watch it!"

We went around the entire airship killing fiends, and a few people I just didn't like. When we reached the cabin I ran over to the window to look at all the puny people I could crush when I overthrew Cid and took over the airship. And what do I see! This big ass, red Pokemon thing!

"Huh, now there's a rare sight" Auron said calmly.

"Whoa, that's huge!" Tidus yelled.

"Crap! I forget my Pokeball!"

Cid's horrible redneck voice came over the intercom, interrupting our little crisis.

"Rikku, you read me?"

"Hu, E lyh'd rayn oui ujan dra frehao juela uh dra ehdanlus, bubc..."

"We're going to fight that thing!"

"Ah, spoken in a true redneck fashion" I laughed.

"Get on deck and show him what you got! Go!"

"There he goes again" Rikku whined.

"The ferryman asks a high price" Auron muttered.

"What ferry? We're on an airship. Jeez, and you guys thing I'm an idiot..." Tidus snickered.

We ran on back to the cabin... bridge... thing and that Pokemon confronted the airship. Everyone seems to think it was just SOOO much bigger then the airship. We coulda just run it over but NNOOOO. We have to do things the hard way.

"We gotta keep our distance, boy, but we can't let her get too far away. You all have to tell me when to move! But tell me quick, eh? This rig ain't so nimble, you hear?"

"Kinda like you...?" I scoffed.

"What?"

"Nothing"

"Roger! I'll give the commands!" Tidus yelled.

"Not alone, you won't!" Rikku demanded.

"Yeah" I rolled my eyes "We all know how difficult it can be, giving commands"

We tried asking the summoner's for help, since that IS their job, but they said no and gave us some bullshit excuse about it being too cramped to call aeons. What the Hell is that? The thing is OUTSIDE! So we stepped outside and they all beat the crap out of the thing after getting poisoned, gaining many puncture wounds and catching Ebola _and_ leprosy. I was standing on the edge with my arms out.

"I'm king of the world!"

"Pretz, what the Hell is wrong with y- why do I bother asking?" Shea muttered.

"Sing with me Shea! Love is a very... splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love"

At this point I could almost hear her thinking _'God... this is camp, co-counseling with Lynsay all over again_'. Either that or _'I'm going to kill you'._

"Please, don't start that again"

Little did she know that THAT'S THE NEXT LINE! MWHAHA!

"All you need is love"

_I hate you, Pretz._

"A girl has got to eat" She pleaded.

"All you need is love"

"She'll end up on the street!"

"All you need is love"

"Love is just a game"

"I was made for lovin' you baby, you were made for lovin' me" I laughed.

_I know where you sleep, Pretz..._

"The only way of lovin' me baby is to pay a lovely fee"

"Just one night. Just one night"

"There's no way cause you can't pay" _'You're a dead camper, Pretz'_

"In the name of love. One night in the name of love"

"You _crazy_ fool. I wont give into you"

"Don't... leave me this way. I can't survive without your sweet love. Oh baby, don't leave me this way"

_Maybe killer bees... everyone's allergic to those..._

"You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs" Shea twitched.

"I look around me and I see it isn't so"

"Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs"

"Well, what's wrong with that I'd like to know cause here I go, YEAH!" I hopped up on a 'hood ornament' thing "LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG"

"Pretz, get down or I'm gonna kill you"

"WHERE EAGLES FLY ON A MOUNTAIN HIGH!"

_I'm gonna throw **you** off a mountain high _"Love makes us act like we are fools. Throw our lives away for one happy day"

"We could be heroes just for one day"

"You, you will be mean" _Oh, maybe I can smother you..._

"No I wont"

"And I... I'll drink all the time"

"We should be lovers"

"We can't do that" _Ok, **that** crosses the line..._

"We should be lovers and that's a fact"

"Though nothing" She started. I could tell I'd got her started cause she was being more enthusiastic "will keep us together"

"We could steal time just for one day"

Then we both started singing. Which is odd.

"We could be heroes forever and ever. We could be heroes forever and ever. We could be heroes."

"Just because" I started "IIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooouuuuu"

"IIIIII can't help loving... how wonderful life is now you're in the woooorrrrrlllldddd"

Maybe the others had had their fill of random camp senselessness but Lulu coughed.

"Ahem. Well as soon as you two are done being bi or whatever, can we go back inside cause we're losing power"

We both blinked and realized we'd gone off on another camp tangent. We jumped away from each other and started a babble of stuff that sounded something like this at first.

"What? I'm not- but she- I didn't- that was her-"

But eventually turned into audible speech.

"Shea, why would you get me started. You know what happens to me with mindless camp appropriate songs!"

"Me? You were the one who started the whole thing!"

"You- hey what's that?"

"That's Bevelle. And Cid is going to fly us near it to-"Lulu started.

"Oh, fuck that!" I yelled and ran inside.

"Do I want to know...?" Wakka sighed.

Needless to say we took the Playstation entrance and crashed into the city. The sound of wedding bells wouldn't stop. Seymour walked up the aisle with Yuna. I really don't think that's how weddings work, you know with the guards and all.

"Fire!" Measter Kinoc ordered.

The guards fired relentlessly at the ship. Seymour seemed quite pleased. "Come"

He grabbed Yuna's hand and walked up the stairs. Seymour, Yuna, and Maester Mika stared at the airship lodged into the... thing. We slid down these cables from the deck to the... I wanna say chapel. I have no idea how Kimahri's feet didn't get ground off. Several guards ran up to us with their guns. We all glared intensely at Seymour.

"Yuna!" Tidus yelled.

We all rushed forward into the battles. Only I would have, but one of the guards hit me on the back of the head with his gun and I fell overboard. People ask me to this day what I was thinking when I came to in the air. I was thinking 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then I flipped around to see the ground hurtling towards me. Then I thought "Hey, maybe I should get a puppy'. No! I was thinking 'AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!' Yeah that sounds about right. Yeah 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' I hope I've crystallized it for you.

I thought I was really gonna die this time. Out of nowhere this purpleish red thing came swooping towards me. Now I was falling headfirst so a lot of the blood was no longer in my head. Where my brain is. The thing I use to think. Oh who am I kidding! It just wasn't in my head, ok?

"Holy crap! Is that Katie!"

"What the Hell are you talking about, Pretz?"

"Um... nothing. Yuna! You saved me?"

"Not my original intent, but yes. See I saw you falling too, and if I didn't save you Lulu and Wakka would disown me"

"Ah. The whole self serving thing. Wait... You touched Seymour! And you neither bleed nor burn!"

She laughed.

"You kissed him, Yunie, and you didn't burst into flame!"

"You've been talking to Rikku, haven't you?"

"Yeah... Ooh! Did you see me land the airship?"

"I'm pretty sure everyone did. I thought that was Cid..."

"No. Wasn't it great?"

"You know how you said you never learned to dive in your world? Maybe that's not such a bad thing"

"Really" I glomped her "You're the first person to understand that!"

"I can't imagine why..."

Well, Yuna had to make a pit stop to get her precious aeon. She prayed to this hologram kid for the longest time. I kinda wanted to see Jarrett run in and lecture her about praying to that instead of 'being a good Christian'. It was really boring. So I started wandering around the room poking stuff. There was this cool chest but I just couldn't get it open. So naturally I took one of the spinning dagger things Rikku gave me to cut it open. What? Just the lock, not the whole thing. All of a sudden the whole room started rumbling and water started filling the room. Yuna waded over to me looking like a mass murderer.

"What did you _do_!"

"I haven't done anything!... lately"

The door was already closed and locked, and we were up to our necks in water.

"Pretz, I'm going to kill you! I'm gonna kill you until you are no m-!"

"What? I can't hear you when you're under water!"

Once the water had almost filled the room there was a small opening. But of course it had a steel grill on it! Yuna and I were hanging off of it despite the fact we were gonna die a horrible waterlogged death, and have to come out of people's TVs and kill them.

"Pretz! We really _are_ gonna die in this _stupid temple_. So I just want you to know that I really don't hate you"

"Really? Aww. I don't hate you either"

"Hug?"

Gasp! What? Pretz can hug people? Holy shit!

That instant the water began to whirlpool out. Even though I was her guardian I kinda lost her. The next thing I knew Tidus, Shea and Lulu were standing over us a little outside the door.

"Uh, guys, I can explain _everything_" I babbled.

"I thought I said no more wild parties" Shea laughed.

Yuna stood up slowly.

"Hey, Pretz?"

"Yeah"

"I'm still gonna kill you"

"Understood... Uh..."

"What?" Lu asked.

"Well, you're leaning over me... and I can see down your shirt"

She gasped, turned only to see guards with their guns pointing at her

"There's the last of them. You are to stand trial"

"I expect it will be a fair trial" Auron scoffed.

Kinoc just laughed.

"Of course it will"

The guards punched us and carried us off. I for one, wasn't giving up without a fight.

"Hey! You can't lock us up like this! Lemme go! Hey, what about my Miranda Rights? You're supposed to say 'I have the right to remain silent'. Nobody said I had the right to remain silent!"

"Pretz, you _have_ the right to remain silent" Rikku muttered "What you _lack_ is the capacity"

-

"The High Court of Yevon is now in session. The sacred offices of this court seek nothing but absolute truth, in Yevon's name" A big Ronso bellowed "To those on trial: Believe in Yevon, and speak only the truth"

"Maester Kelk Ronso" Lulu pointed out.

"Ah, yes. I always like to get to know my executioner" I muttered.

"Ok, you're not allowed to talk anymore, ya?" Wakka snapped.

"Summoner Yuna. You have sworn to protect the people of Yevon, true?"

"Yes. Except that one. The, uh, really slutty blonde one"

"Then, consider: You have inflicted dire injury upon Maester Seymour Guado..." Kelk announced.

"He started it!" Rikku blurted.

"Conspired with the Al Bhed and joined in their insurrection"

"Ok, that sounds a lot like injection"

"These are traitorous and unforgivable crimes that disturb the order of Yevon. Tell this court what possessed you to participate in such violence"

"Your Grace... The real traitor is Maester Seymour! He killed his father Jyscal with his own hands!" Yuna pleaded.

"AND Seymour started it!" I smirked.

"What is this!" Kelk looked at Mika and then Seymour.

"Hmm? Hadn't you heard?" Mascara boy said calmly.

"Not only that... Maester Seymour is already dead!" Yuna continued.

"It is the summoner's sacred duty to send the souls of the departed to the Farplane! Yuna was only doing her job as a summoner!" Lulu stepped in.

"I will ask you once more" Mika said blankly at me "Did YOU murder Maester Seymour?"

"What? How can you ask that?" I yelled.

I took a few steps back and took a running leap at the platform the important people were standing on. After a while once I pulled myself up I slapped some photos onto his deck"

"You ask me that and you have to ask Wakka if he's really Jamaican!"

His picture showed him standing with a moose and a Mounty drinking maple syrup.

"Ask Lulu if her boobs are real!"

Ok I didn't have a picture for that one...

"Ask Yuna if her nose is real! Ask Rikku why she's always so hyper!"

Yuna's is self explanatory, and Rikku's showed her with a big bag of crack.

"Ask Kimahri if he's really blue! And ask Tidus if he's really blonde!"

Ah, yes. You don't know this but Kimahri is really lavender and Tidus is really a brunette.

"Ask Shea if she's every killed a baby or a camper!"

"But I never did..."

"You tell too many dead baby jokes! Ask Auron why he ripped off the whole Jedi knight look and why he's so old!"

Auron just grunted. Maester Mika looked baffled.

"Alright, just for that" He said "We're not going to tell you the horrible truth about Yevon, we're just going to kill you. Take them away!"

"Pretz... What did we say about talking?" Tidus asked.

-

Well, I haven't updated in FOREVAH! Well, I was hoping something funny would happen at my cousin's wedding that I could use, but obviously not. Maybe by the time my other cousin's happens I'll have enough for a flashback. I didn't want to wait another month. Tis been long enough. I'M 17! I CAN RENT RATED R MOVIES!

Yuna: Pretz, you're retarded... You haven't rented one _and_ you can't drive...

Shut up! Well, the wedding was a little boring. Jarrett was at camp. For those of you who know what I'm talking about it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Well, I had a mental war with myself recently but I'm actually gonna stop being lazy and keep writing! Yay! So I'm gonna go and try to watch Open Water. Then again I snorkel. Never mind. And if anyone wants to see my kickass tan line email me and I'll try to find my camera! Peace.


	14. Disney Songs Are Scarring

Well, oddly enough I have nothing to say.

Yuna: Yes you do, you just don't want to.

SILENCE! Enjoy.

Chapter 14: Disney Music Is Scarring

-

"Get me outta here! I want out now! You hear me? Don't make me come over there!" I yelled from inside the jail cell.

"You waste your breath" The very pessimistic Auron said. He kinda reminds me of Rube from Dead Like Me.

I plopped down on the ground.

"Wonder what happened with Yuna..." 

"She's strong. She'll make it"

"Damn"

Then Tidus went and spoke up to ruin my moment.

"She'll make it? What, so she can die?"

This, by far, was one of the dumber things I'd ever heard. And I know people who play tag with the Tag body spray.

"Why is it... everything in Spira seems to revolve around people dying?"

"I don't know you retard. Maybe they watched Queen of the Damned and realized that's 2 hours of their lives they'll never get back" 

"Ah, the spiral of death" Auron sighed "Summoners challenge the bringer of death, Sin, and die doing so. Guardians give their lives to protect their summoner. The fayth are the souls of the dead. Even the maesters of Yevon are unsent. Spira is full of death. Only Sin is reborn, and then only to bring more death. It is a cycle of death, spiraling endlessly"

I paused then needed to add my 2 1/2 cents.

"So this is all some fucked up version of the circle of life..."

Kinoc approached the cage. I felt like a lab rat. Then I realized how freaking slutty my outfit was, not to mention torn. It was then I swore if I made it out of this alive I'd need new clothes.

"Come out. Your sentence has been decided" He said.

"Come out? Like out of the closet? Ha! I knew it, Tidus!"

From a distance I saw Shea being led off in handcuffs.

"Pretz, your immaturity is showing"

There's something about having a retarded sentence forces you to wonder about other people's intelligence. We were thrown into a watery pit... thing. It was freezing cold.

"This water's freezing cold" I said corny-ly.

"It's not so bad over here, Pretz" Rikku said.

"Sorry..."Tidus muttered. Rikku screamed and swam over to me, clinging to me and half drowning me while making weird noises. This was when I learned Lulu's boobs could be used as a floatation devise.

"Think they expect us to give up and die down here" Wakka sighed.

"That's retarded. There's probably an exit in the deep depths of this thing" I moaned.

"How do you know?" Rikku asked while finally getting off me. Wow... That last comment didn't sound sick at _all_...

"I don't. But that's always the story"

After holding our breath for an unrealistic amount of time we finally immerged. I wheezed as Rikku pulled me out of the water.

"My god, Pretz. You need to go on a diet. Hey, where's everyone else...?"

I looked around. It was true. The only ones there were myself, Lulu, Rikku, Wakka and Tidus. Well, I would be enjoying myself, but since it was Wakka and Tidus I couldn't even blackmail them into yaoi to pass free time. Damn. Well, my boredom didn't last for long. My plotting was interrupted by a high pitched squeal and the word 'Yunieeeeeeee'. I mean, my goodness, sometimes I question Tidus's manhood. So we were reunited with the crazy summoner, the old man, and the kitty man. Something seemed a bit wrong, but I was too tired to do another head count. I'm a bad counselor, I know. Just when things couldn't get worse, the crazy mascara boy appeared with his legion of doom. They were carrying that Kinoc dude. As they threw him on the ground he wiggled a bit.

"I have saved him" Seymour started. He sounded like one of those crazy cult people.

"He was a man who craved power, and great power he had, but he feared losing it. Trembling at unseen enemies, he spent his days scheming petty schemes. Chased by his fears, never knowing rest"

"They have medication for that"

"Now he has no worries. He has been granted sleep eternal. Death is a sweet slumber. All the pain of life is gently swept away... Ah, yes. So you see... if all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end. Don't you see?"

"Ah, but then would your Farplane not be really, really crowded?"

I had stopped him in the middle of his monologue. He looked so pissed his mascara might have started boiling if it were possible. He broke off a piece of his bad ass hair and charged forward. Now, if you've never been stabbed or shot with an arrow there really is no comparison besides this. He stabbed it into the soft spot on my left shoulder. I blinked and looked at the small bit of blood.

"Bitch! You ruined my cool scar!"

Taking what I had learned from Yuna, I grabbed her staff and beat him within three inches of his life. I couldn't get on with the other three because Auron grabbed me and started running down the path after the others.

"Goddamit! Put me down!"

When he finally dropped me I rolled into Yuna's feet. She and Tidus were talking about something. I only caught this.

"Yuna, wherever you go, I'll follow"

Which brings up an important question: What happens when she has to go to the bathroom? Once again Auron picked me up and ran back towards Kimahri. Why? I have no idea. When we got back Seymour was already pounded to nice, fine pulp and Kimahri was playing with Play-Doh. I shook my head and laughed until Auron dropped me on my hip. That bitch was gonna pay.

We camped in the Macalania Woods for the night. I still hated that place from the LAST time. After hours of sitting around I decided to start to take my revenge on the old man. He looked like he was sleeping when I snuck up to him. I had been working on mostly speed lately and other ninja-like traits so I thought it would be easy. He was just an old man, right? As I reached for the small canteen he always had with him, which isn't the jug mind you, he grabbed my wrist and twisted it so hard I flipped out of the tree and landed on the ground with a thud. He stood up and gave me one of those looks.

"Don't touch my stuff you miniature whore"

I actually flinched. No one had ever called me that in a long time. I couldn't believe it, so I just started laughing. The other losers were being boring as Hell, and Tidus had gone to see Yunie. I just have fun screwing things up. Time to spy!

I climbed through the branches until I was right above them in that watery thing. After a long and boring talk they kissed. It actually burned my eyes. This really romantic music was playing from somewhere too. I started thinking that maybe I was thinking too much. Maybe someone for me was right in front of me and I just couldn't see it. Why did Yuna's white top not become see-through in the water? Unfortunately I didn't have much time to think about it because the romantic music stopped abruptly.

"That's not good" I muttered.

The branch under me gave a loud crack and snapped off and I fell right in between Yuna and Tidus, both of whom kissed one of my cheeks. When they realized what had happened they looked horrified. Using my awesome thinking 5k1ll5 of 56k I held up a plate of spaghetti.

"Have fun! BI!" I ran for my life!

I have a bad habit of doing stupid things. I ran into a tree. The next morning we set out for the Calm Lands. When we set up camp for the night, Rikku and I heard this beautiful singing. Yuna and Lulu were by the fire. We looked in all the tents and as we got closer to the one with the singing it started to sound like 'Reflection' from Mulan. Just on the verse of _'Now I see that if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart'_ we pulled back the flap.

IT WAS AURON! HOLY FK! Once we saw it was Auron it instantly turned into an old, scratchy voice. We immediately bent over and gagged. He spun around and threw his canteen at me. I smiled. Earlier he had taken what looked like a star fruit from me, saying it wasn't, and squeezed it into here. It was time for a taste. As I unscrewed the cap I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and Shea slapped me. She looked a little beaten up and had twigs in her hair. True I had forgotten about he, but can you blame me? I showed her the canteen and she shook her head.

"Maybe you should test it on Tidus and Wakka first"

"Are you crazy? What if it's like... concentrated Paupu juice and it makes them commit horrible acts of yaoi?"

"There's something wrong with you... really. Give me that" She grabbed the canteen and took a sip.

Her pupils turned a little heart shaped... Do I really need to go any further with this story? The answer is I can't because... well I have a reputation. After a few minutes it wore off and she blinked, and asked why the Hell she was sitting on me. I wished I'd had a camera for the look on her face when I told her what happened. After that she decided to go her separate way. I nodded.

"Goodbye, Pretz"

"Not goodbye. We'll see each other again. Spira's not so big"

As she turned around I saw her mouth something that looked like 'Vacuum'.

As I went to sleep that night I sat on something sharp. I looked and it was a Rubix Cube. I always knew those things were evil, but I had no idea until...

-

FIN. Woo! AWA is over and I can start writing again! I went as Samurai Yuna! Go Me! Next year I'm going as Sakura from Naruto, Yuffie, Winry and a few other. Well, even though I'm still pissed at them I'd like to thank Charli for coming as Shuyin to surprise me. I'd like to that Piper for being a fan of my Auron singing voice. Yes, I actually have that recorded and I'll send it to anyone (3 people from AWA have asked). I feel awful though. My friend Kristina found out something I never wanted her to know. I feel like I betrayed her or something. BUT I watched all of FMA over the weekend. All 25 1/2 hours of it. If you didn't get the vacuum thing that's too bad. But there are 2 ways to look at it.

Why are Rubix Cubes evil? What was that juice and where can I buy some? What's going to happen to Shea? Will I ever stop talking like this? Yes. And the next chapter will have some very special guests. You all know and love them, and if you don't I'm gonna come to your house and make you love them!


End file.
